To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I agree with you. My children went through the same hardship because my ex is a tight fisted arsehole who insisted on it, in order not to pay anything. My boys didn't even get fed properly in his house. I wish I had had money to fight him at the time, but I simply didn't. It has definitely damaged my children who are now grown up.

I think your voice is important OP. When. I was teaching I always felt sorry for those children who were never really settled anywhere, had to cope with living with step parents who didn't really want them, who were never really at home anywhere, and who were never able to really chill or meet casually with friends.
I think these arrangements are set up for parents own convenience.
The best solution I heard was where the children stay put and the parents rotate, but most wouldn't do that.
A pity I think there are so many broken homes nowadays.

It’s not always black and white. My stepson started doing 50/50 after his mum had a breakdown. It then became apparent that his mum regularly emotionally abused him, and he now lives with us full time. 50/50 was his gateway into building trust with us and his escape.

@Anna1mac I’m in same situation. A lot of us don’t necessarily want 50/50 but haven’t much choice as the courts prefer that arrangement and even taking it to court to ask costs ££££

My DC were 5 and 2 when my ex and I split and he insisted on 50-50 and I went along with it as I knew he would never keep it up. Even the 50-50 involved me picking them up once on one of his week day evenings or it meant DS had to leave beavers. It lasted maybe 2 months. We remained quite good friends and ex started to come and visit DC mainly instead of them staying, or sometimes they’d go on the weekend. It wasn’t ideal but as neither of us were in a relationship then it was ok. For me it was a price worth paying him showing up to visit the kids if they remained in one home. They didn’t like going to 2 houses and that would have got worse as they got older.

After a couple of years ex went to work overseas as part of his job, so the visits obviously dropped off then. Kids are 21 and 17 now and they are still close to their dad. I think for them, this worked out better. My ex could see they needed a primary home and he knew I could provide that better than he could.

Honestly?

I agree with you. Although I’m not sure what the answer is.

Controversial but I can’t think of a single person I know that has managed to make a good job of shared custody arrangements. It’s always arguing/disagreeing. Poor communication or one parent, usually the dad refusing to cooperate with the children’s routine and hobbies, birthday parties. There’s almost always a new partner/s on the scene sticking their nose in too.

Also controversial but I think far too many people are too quick to throw the towel in with their relationships/marriages. Obviously not including abusive situations.

Many people have highlighted abusive ex partners being the reason these arrangements happen outside their wishes. Post separation abuse is real and horrible and often involves repeatedly taking the mother other parent to court and also withholding maintenance. Be mindful before judging parents. The charming dad at parents evening may well be an explosively nasty person when noone is watching

I did 50 50 “to” my kids. I wish I hadn’t. My ex would have spent the rest of our lives fighting, so I agreed.
50/50 wasn’t for the kids. It was for him.

Unfortunately there's no ideal in the case of divorce is there. All solutions have pros and cons.

I know my DC would hate 2/2/3, though. We went on holiday this summer and changed hotel every two to three days and after a few weeks of this they said they were exhausted and wanted to just stay in one hotel next time! They'd definitely not cope well switching house every few days for years.

So your partner has his children for a long weekend every week? Does their mum never want to see them at the weekend?

50/50 is fair. My friends do one week at Mums and one week at Dads. It works really well and the kids feel more settled than moving every couple of nights.

I live in Scandinavia where 50/50 is the absolute norm with kids swapping weekly. It’s never about mum or dad having most rights - more about the child and parents all having the right to a relationship. Of course child care is much more accessible here so both parents can maintain employment with kids. Kids tend to have possessions at two houses as both are permanent home and stays are weekly. However it certainly seems to work for children in a good way - and less custody discussions as both parents have equal responsibility and focus on co parenting.

I just wanted to comment on the narrative that Dad's only want 50/50 to avoid maintenance. DH used to have about 60/40 with DSD and her Mum requested we up it due to her work commitments. Most weeks we have her Thursday after school until Monday morning as Mum works an early shift Fridays and in her words we might as well keep her for the weekend as it's not like we can do much due to our 3 year old DD 😂. She has a point really and it means we do get to do things as a family at weekend. DSD then balances it out by spending a bit more time during school holidays with Mum when she takes annual leave.

Even with this arrangement DH still pays maintenance btw as he does earn more than his ex and wants both his daughters to have the same quality of life.

My dc do this, 2,2,5,5. But what’s the alternative?

My dc have never packed a bag, and certainly never take anything to school as we live a mile away from each other and we arrange the changeover of everything. They have supported of most things. If clothes or anything are at the other house, we go and get them.

They are now teens and we offered them a week on/week off and they said no. They are fine with how it is.

We genuinely get on. We cover for each other if needed for work or even social things like gigs. I’ve sat in his house all day once waiting for a plumber as he couldn’t take them time off work. We were terrible as a couple, but we work really well as co-parents

We did 2, 2, 3 on a rotation.

Nobody ever packed a bag of belongings to take to school etc. Both parents equally involved with school, same activities on the same nights/weekend days etc, bedroom set ups in both houses.

It can be done respectfully and IMO properly.

My DDs dad was the same. They've both married men who are very involved and share stuff equally

Maybe their mum works weekends

A different example, but I moved around a lot as a child as my dad was in military. I have a friend who had same background. She hated it, she says it was traumatic and thinks it has contributed to issues she has as an adult.

I loved it, had a great childhood and as far as I can see it had no lasting negative impact on me. What is true for one child isn’t true for another.

Hmm not the case with me and DS dad. We get on very well. We also get on well with each others long term partners ,( neither of us live with them)

He was with us for Xmas dinner last year, and tbh most years that I'm in the country

It would be totally normal to a 4 month old. Can't see an issue there

You can't be serious.

I agree that the 50/50 system is screwed as it stands. I think if parents want 50/50’thr children should remain living in one home and the parents should be the ones moving in and out. Children are the victims of separation and yet they are the ones that suffer.

I hated it as a kid. It's parents putting their own needs first, or that was always my feeling. I don't know anyone who lived through it as a kid and liked it.

DH and I have agreed that if we ever split up the kids will stay in the house and we'll move in/out rather than forcing the upheaval on them. I hope it's never an issue though.

It goes against everything that is known about forming secure attachments.