To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

If they need them equally why wouldn’t they access them equally?

Hmm so do "married to each other" parents always copy each other in to emails? Or do you think they don't need to as they are a single, married entity?

No, but the prevailing attitude is "Divorce the fucker" and not "Have you tried talking about it? What about marriage counselling?"

I parallel parent rather than co parent because my ex is still (10 years on) very abusive. So no you don't get to judge me for not copying him in. He is only allowed to communicate with me through a court approved app and so I would not (and indeed cannot) include him in an email as his account is blocked

I would love to be a gold star co parent, but it takes only one of the parents to be an arsehole for that to be impossible

Probably yeah? Because being married does suggest you’re a unit and should communicate between themselves.

co-parents leaving each other out on purpose sounds passive agressive which is the point that poster is trying to make

Because it’s not fair on the child! Splitting 50/50 is usually (not always) really unsettling for a child, for all the reasons the OP has mentioned in her experience.

I'm sorry 50/50 didn't work for you, OP.

I tend to agree. However, I have that arrangement and it is really important to my DC to feel that they get equal time with both parents and that both parents want equal time with them. Fortunately, we don't live too far apart and it's not hard to pop round and pick up something if anything is ever forgotten at handover.

I wouldn't have chosen it, but my DC would, and once they got used to the routine, neither of them has ever wanted to change it. XH suggested swapping our regular 2 days once, to accommodate a course he was doing, and the DC were really upset. They didn't want to change the routine, so we didn't.

Quite often what isn’t fair on the child is when people don’t make sure they have the same access to everything in both homes. That’s adult error and can be fixed.

Make sure you have the same things at both houses. Take them to the same clubs. Take them to the same activities. Deliver them to their friends if you have to.

It’s not the child’s fault that their parents separated, and if you think they need 50/50 access to both parents, they shouldn’t be made to lose out by not having the same access to the same belongings and experiences.

I understand and sympathise with everything you have written. I worked in family law and saw lots of unhappiness with these sorts of arrangements. Yes, all families are different and moving between homes works for some, but it can be very unsettling for others.

I personally think that children under 5 find 50/50 very hard and it’s preferable that usually the mum is most suitable as the resident parent but having good access to their dad . I find now 50/50 is just a way of avoiding paying maintenance and usually the mum still pays the clubs / clothes/other expenses but puts up with it for their child’s sake .

YANBU.

My kids hate staring at their dads. It started off every other weekend and an overnight week day on one of the weeks. We had duplicate uniform and clothes at both houses. But then contact dipped over the years due to him working weekend having separated from another woman he had a child with. He lives the single life. Randomly texts the kids when he wants to see them and wonders why they text back they don’t want to go or they already made plans. As they got older they don’t have duplicates due to things like Chromebook needed for school and having phones and other devices which are too costly to just leave at one house and hardly get used. He also cancelled internet so I have to give them extra data to watch tv or their devices when there.

I agree with most of what you wrote which is exactly why I think it's basically not down to luck at all. It's your choices such as who your friends are, your own attitude towards divorce, overall personal beliefs etc.

To answer your last question - in my earlier post that you responded to I specifically said it takes two. If both parents are reasonable then I think it could well be better to stay together for the kids. As for how long - I'd say at least until the kids are in secondary school, so at most we're talking 10 years.

That's all well and good but that takes two decent people to be their parent, and all this lecturing seems oddly to assume that we can somehow make our ex partners be good co- parents. But we left them for a reason!

I think you are looking at this very simplistically. This may work if parents live very close to one another, which is not usually the case. The reality is much more complex.

YANBU!!! And Oh Hell yes you are right! I had three full time stepchildren. And actually their mother did not want them with her, but I fought tooth and nail to make sure they had a stable homelife so they knew when and where they would be. And even then she chopped and wanted to change and even demanded I send their breakfasts with them because " she didn't have that sort of food." I think the week about - 50/50 thing for children is destabilising and from observation a recipe for parental disharmony - That is a polite way of saying there are parents who use this sort of thing to get at the other parent. 'Oh Johnny forgot his trainers you better buy a new pair.....'. And on it goes.

Did you get help with buying the house OP?

That is why I said unless one of the parents is useless, etc.

If both parents are capable, decent and competent- then I don’t see any reason why their kids shouldn’t see them both equally.

If helpful, my other opinion is that you shouldn’t move 40mins away from your kids, for example.

Stay local so you can have the access.

I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you! What I am saying is that decisions about where children live have to be made based on the reality, not fantasy. The reality is parents separate and often move away. Therefore custody decisions should be based on what is best for the child in these circumstances. I am not saying that parents moving away is best for the child (although I of course can see this is sometimes the best decision where there has been domestic abuse etc).

This is what my partner does. 2 weeks per month Thurs - Monday, 2 weeks per month Friday - Monday. My kids dad has them every other weekend, id much prefer him to have them more but it's completely his choice so.

How on earth can that be in the best interests of a four-month-old baby?

My youngest spends alternate weeks between mine and their father’s home. He has everything he needs at both homes, if he wants to take his toys to his dads and keep them there, it’s fine, it’s his stuff. He is a very happy settled boy whose parents get on very well. We make it work to make sure he is happy, rather than his father or I not wanting to pay maintenance.

I know a couple who have this arrangement. He very very quickly remarried! Obviously 🙄

i feel for the kids. They’re so young and it’s a shitty arrangement

Cut your mother some slack