To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

But that isn’t always realistic if abuse is involved. And you can’t afford two separate homes for the rest of the time. If I’d done that with my ex I would have spent most of time in house cleaning up his mess.

I still do all the emotional labour, school stuff, school uniforms.

If I’ve screwed my kids up that is awful. But I already feel guilty about having them with him.

I also want to comment on this whole ‘50/50 to avoid paying maintenance’. I’ve found quite a few women (including my stepsons mum) purposefully reduce contact to gain more maintenance. BTW even with 50/50, the CMS still assess for maintenance, as they deem whoever claims the child benefit - usually the mother - to be the ‘resident parent’ and therefore maintenance is still due… Then you often end up in ridiculous child benefit rival claims, as was happening on a thread here recently. So 50/50 doesn’t absolve a father from paying, and mothers can also weaponise contact to gain more money.

YABU for projecting your own experience on the future.

A very dear friend of mine has recently split with her DH. They have split resources evenly, and live close enough that the DC can walk to either house after school. It is amicable and the children are doing well. Purely because BOTH parents are doing their best towards the children.

No, this won’t happen in all circumstances but it is possible. You are only unreasonable if you don’t do YOUR best to work in the child’s best interest.

I don’t claim CMS as I earn more than him. We split everything anyway. But I wouldn’t have been able to keep working, and therefore pay mortgage if we didn’t do 50/50, because of having to travel to office and away for work.

Not sure that would have been helpful for my dc.

As I said earlier, how on earth is that different from parents in the same house splitting childcare 50/50 due to work

Tell me the issue then

Truly cannot see how this is relevant, but yes, I had a small inheritance from a grandfather towards the house deposit. 6k.

That’s how I feel about my exh. No way could we do “nesting” - I’d end up paying for 2 homes and he’d contribute nothing and do zero housework in either residence.

I get you OP.

My parents got divorced when I was 10. They tried to split the week (2-3 night with my dad, rest with my mum) for me and older brother. It was awful with PE kits and missing books and packing up clean knickers each time and taking my teddy to school. It was so much faff.

eventually agree about 3-4 months the parents realised it wasn’t working and we lived with our mum full time. I don’t think 50:50 is good for the children

My son and ex do 50/50 but he still pays maintenance as he earns more. My grandchildren don't 'ferry things ' back and forth as they have stuff at both houses (clothes, school uniform, electronics etc) The only thing they take with them is their mobiles, and they would take them wherever they went anyway.
If course it would be better for the kids to have one stable loving home but when a marriage breaks down everyone has to make the best of a difficult situation.

Op and some of these posters can't say that their experiences trumps everyone else's. Yes it's sad she didn't feel she had the teenage experience she should have received. Her experience comes from a mean father who she felt didn't want to pay maintenance and didn't really want her around. She didn't feel wanted by her father.

I think it's wrong and over the top to debate what other parents should do because she was emotionally abused growing up. She is not helping herself and will only prolong her pain. She needs to learn to forgive and live her life. This thread is not helpful it's harmful to your mental health.

Absolutely horrendous for children 2/2/3 is selfish of the parents.

In my case, I don't think any amount of living with my other parent would have helped the relationship as they have managed to destroy most of their relationships with friends and family over the years, due to their self-absorbed behaviour. I was just very very happy when they left the family home. I do have contact with that parent, though, and we get along fine with occasional visits and hellos. I am stressed even contemplating thinking about living with that parent 50% of the time.

It’s interesting, we have a lot of adult children of divorce here sharing their views. Often saying it wasn’t good.

And parents of children with a 50:50 arrangement currently replying saying they are wrong etc. But it’s different cohorts… it’s the current parents insisting it’s fine (presumably because they have no choice and it’s too painful to acknowledge the set up hurts your kids?)

Of course she is, but "begging her partner" for a custody arrangement when they are happy is, in itself, inflicting damage. You don't heal yourself by hurting others.

I’ve been both. A child of divorce and a coparent.

Visiting my father EOW did make us feel like guests. Sharing beds with his stepchildren because they had their own rooms and lived there all the time. Seeing the disparity at Christmas. All of our belongings being at mums and having nothing at dads because that wasn’t home.

That stuff makes (some) children wonder why their father doesn’t want them as “often” as they see kids who aren’t theirs who live there every day. I don’t believe two equally loving homes an equal amount of the time would do that.

Had we had a father who fought for 50/50, or was capable of raising his own children, and wanted more access, we might have had bedrooms and belongings rather than the scraps and camp beds.

Read the step parent boards the vitriolic posts they receive from women whose men has moved on is insane. You do read a lot of posts where grown women have said I got on famously well with my step mother. Op was unlucky growing up.

Her child will resent her if op did that. The op will feel she is protecting her child when actual fact she is suffocating them. Her child will not thank her. It's all to do with control rather than allowing her child freedom to make choices and allowing them to stay equally in both their houses. They can allow their child to stay at a friend's house if it's her/his night. The one thing she hated about her upbringing was the control her parents had over what she did.

Ouch, could feel the weight of your post, resonated with me.

I was the 'dad's girlfriend' to my ex who had a 50/50 custody arrangement. I'm sad to say I thought this made him a good father and would support the idea he had fought for his children. I now believe he was trying to avoid maintenance payments. I'm glad I could provide some normalcy for his kids while we were together. Before I started seeing him he would would be driving with them for hours hosting them in all sorts of strange places. Quite frankly, anything to avoid holding down a job and being responsible for his decisions beyond how they affected him. The moving continually stress is very real as are the urgent negative aspects that you describe.

I have some sympathy for his ex-wife. He could definitely be financially and emotionally abusive and was highly controlling.

Frankly I find the idea of anything being 50/50 to be one of those male delusions that then underpin a fight for dominance and superiority. It is utterly unrealistic to expect such as split to work as life is complicated and kids are continuously changing.

Life happens though and kids are brought up imperfectly. No need to add to it though!

They are together. It's hypothetical at this point.

And what about the mother's who try and remove as much contact as possible from the father's to the point of where they make false allegations with no repercussions to ensure they get maximum CM at the expense of relationship to the children?

They don't exist on MN 😂

We do 50/50 - 1 week with one and then swap at the weekend. But we co parent really well. Daughter walks home from school every night to here, her dad picks her up when he finishes work on his weeks. She has a room, all her clothes and toys at both houses. If she needs something one of us will run it over or pick it up. She has sleep overs with friends at both houses. She can take stuff from one house to the other whenever she wants (including school uniform and shoes - her school bag does go back and fourth with her though) She pretty much comes and goes as she likes and we’re flexible as to where she wants to be regardless of whose week it is (unless she’s sulking because she has to do something or has been told off and asks the other parent to come rescue her lol) she’s 12 now and we’ve been doing this for 4 years now. Before it was eow and she missed her dad so we did what was best

Maybe I'm just weird, but I don't see what's wrong with feeling like a guest at your dad's house. I had a very strong sense of home at my mum's, so it wasn't a problem - trying to have two places with an equal feeling of home seems much more psychologically unrealistic.

I don’t think any parent should put their child in a position where they feel like a guest in their home.