To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

See, this is where I genuinely think I have done the right thing for my girls. I divorced my ex, for an affair - one of the primary reasons being I would like my girls to grow up knowing they’re worth more than being cheated on. For me, the red flags were there, and I ignored them, I’m hoping they won’t.

Yes, I make sure I talk to my children regularly about what a healthy relationship looks like . If I had stayed with their abusive dad that would have set an awful example

Of course it was not ridiculous, it was about the OP’s feelings and experience.

No one is talking about not seeing another parent, but about the idea that a child’s life can be cut into pieces for the sake of ‘fairness’ to both parents by making their children live between two houses.

Yes, if the parents put the kids first then that's the main thing. Unfortunately they don't always.

As a teacher I've lost track of the number of times divorced parents have started arguing with each other during parent meetings when the focus should be on how their kids are getting on.

It's also a depressingly rare occurrence for divorced parents to actually copy each other in to important emails concerning their children. I send an email to both and then they pointedly reply just to me without including their co-parent.

Do you believe that all those people who come on here to vent actually go and get divorced off the back of that online conversation?

This in abundance. The travelling between homes will happen whether it is 50:50 or 70:30 or 90:10, the reality is that divorce and having separate parents is crap. Having absent parents is even worse.

Equally, though, staying in a dysfunctional home where parents stay together in misery is damaging. Essentially there is no good option for the kids when a relationship goes sour, there is just the least bad option of both parents trying their best for the kids.

'Its largely luck' is not the same as 'it's all down to luck and nothing else'.

Clearly, some societies and groups within society are more accepting of divorce, so it will be more prevalent in those groups. Its always been more acceptable in the USA than the UK. Obviously, second marriages are more likely to end in divorce because you have removed the cohort who would never divorce no matter what from the overall numbers.

Precisely how long do you think someone should stay in a relationship that is making them miserable 'for the sake of the children'?

How hard does someone have to try to hold things together with a spouse who isn't interested in cooperation?

Edit - quote disappeared.
@Thatsalineallright

I agree but I also it’s important to note that many parents don’t want this but don’t get a choice, it’s something the courts often prefer (particularly for older children).

Some parents or some mothers/fathers?

Because any parent who doesn’t want their child equally, is IMO doing parenting wrong.

Really? Some parents may realise their job, lifestyle or temperament doesnt suit being a 50% parent and to me that's a sign of maturity. They may be much better parents in smaller doses. I wish my ex had had the wisdom to recognise that about himself.

But that’s just it - it should never be about what the parent ‘wants’, it should be about what the child ‘needs’!

YABU families are all different my grandaughter stays Sunday Monday Tuesday part of Wednesday with her dad and us her family and the rest with her mum.. this has been since she was 4 months old she is a very happy settled little girl although my son pays maintenance for his daughter.
If he hadn't of fought to see his daughter he would of been the one just having visits.
How is that fair when a little girl absolutely adores her dad.

That can be because not having a private email would leave one of them open to harassment and abuse through that email address , unfortunately.

Of course they should try to talk first to each other about how to respond to what you tell them, and what they will say.

edited for typo

I know! It's mind boggling people cant grasp this . It's supposed to be a core principle of decision making but everyone just bangs on about what parents want

Judges pretend it is what children need and want.

Provided both parents aren’t certifiably rubbish, it’s my base belief that children need both of them.

If (like my own father) your lifestyle and temperament isn’t suited to raising your children equally, you shouldn’t have them. Parenting is an equal relationship, or should be!

YANBU OP, I understand why you hated it. I was also a child of divorce but there was no formal custody arrangement. I guess if one was to be in that position as a parent in future, and you and other parent were both wonderfully mature, I’ve heard of an arrangement existing where it’s the parent who packs up and the child stays in the house/apartment/whatever. I dunno how practical it is really but saw a video of a couple that did this and thought it was a really wonderful idea if achievable. A lot less instability for the child.

Sorry YABU. Shit parents will always be shit parents no matter the residence arrangements. If you put the kids first, 50/50 is fine. It's cruel to force a child to not have a day to day relationship with one parent.

Easier to just say 50:50 and move on.

im honestly not sure what i would have preferred growing up. Perhaps 50:50 but with my parents living a road over from each other to make it really convenient, have the same walk home from school with friends, have the same clubs each weekend etc. As it was I was EOW in a town 40 mins drive away. Absolutely terrible for me to maintain friendships, have a weekend job, do weekend clubs etc.

Yes, but needing both parents isn’t the same as having 50/50 custody??!!!

It is cruel to separate a young child from a parent for whom they may have a greater attachment (see the article earlier from a pp). Attachment problems can cause difficulties later.

Oh I know! It's really frustrating. The law says children's needs take precedence but everyone conveniently ignores it and focuses on "parents wants"

Have a look on Reddit - lots of men loving 2,2,3 because they get a long weekend on their own to date. 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻

She's allowed to reflect and look at her own childhood with the new perspective she's gainer from being a parent herself.