To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I hated it too - tried every combination of 50:50 as a child and it was all awful. I really rushed into creating a ‘home’ as an adult because I had never had one (even though both parents did their best).

I challenge any parent who thinks it’s a great idea to split their own time and possessions and see how they like it. It’s not as simple as having duplicates - you can’t do that for school books etc.

It really struck me what you said about staying away from home - I get so anxious about leaving for holidays and can definitely see the connection!

I think they should have tried harder. And the least they could have done is stay in the same town.

I was given the choice. It doesn’t make it easier. In fact I think it makes it harder as I never felt I could tell them I hated it, because I wanted them both to be happy.

100% agree with this

It’s disgusting that the courts do not consider the impact of dislocation on the child. We are so keen yet again to accommodate men and the woke agenda that we have totally ignored the 50/50 impact on children in favour of ‘justice’ and ‘fairness’ for the parents.

I completely agree too.

My ex and his ex do 50/50 and honestly the poor kids constantly moving around was horrible for me to watch from the sidelines. He literally did do it so he did not have to pay maintenance and their set up was all what worked best for him not their mother. It was every second night so say Monday they woke in her house and went to school and then went from school to his house for the night then Tuesday woke in his house, went to school and then went from school to her house for the night. Neither had friends because of the moving around every second night. He was a total control freak which is why he is my ex but he certainly always controlled the narrative. Sad as his ex is a great mum and was an sahm to a younger child that was not his so she had so much time she could have with her kids but no he needed his 50/50 even if he was working late or ignoring them all evening when they got there.

My parents separated when I was a teenager and I would absolutely have hated having to sleep at my dad's house. I never did it once. I liked to see him but only during the day as I only wanted one house and one bedroom.
I have seen quite a few young children crying at school in the past because they don't want to go to their other parent's house.

If me and my partner split tomorrow I don't think our children could choose to be with one parent the majority of the time. EOW would not work for our children. I wouldn't want them to choose. They like us as their parents.

I had a friend with the same arrangement. She loved staying at her dad's as well as her mum's. There seems to be a lot of dysfunctional people. Not everyone feels the same and a lot of parents are very good at co-parenting.

I think you can like and love both parents but still want some stability in your living arrangements which isn't 50/50- and perhaps it changes over the years, especially in the teen years where teens suddenly want to see the same friends, wear the clothes they want.

The best set ups on here seem to be where the parents are very good at communicating and they live very close so that the children essentially have one living arrangement over two close-by houses. They have the same friends, same school and can pop in to each place as and when they want. But, it's often not anyone's fault that this isn't the case.

The key is putting the child first

Doesn't sound like your parents did that for you.

It is notable, though, that almost no children of divorced parents have come on this thread and said they did 50/50 and it worked great for them and they feel equally close to both parents.

Mostly people have turned up saying they hated it.

After my parents' divorce, if I'd had to live with my other parent 50% of the time, I simply would have left home at the earliest opportunity and never ever gone back there to live with the other parent.

I love that parent, but that wouldn't have been my home, ever.

I might be raising something controversial but I actually think one of the problems is the way child maintenance works based purely on nights.

fundamentally if both parents are housing, clothing, feeding and paying for all other costs it seems ridiculous to me that unless it is exactly 50:50 then one of the parents has to pay the other hundreds a month, with the parent who has 1 extra day a week also claiming all other benefits (child benefit, UC etc.). It leads to parents being incentivised to go for 50:50 or else face financial straits to the extent that they can’t afford to house, clothe, feed and supply fun extras to their children because they have 1 day a week less than the other parent. It also incentivises parents to play their kids off against the other parent for greater custody and child support. if the child’s needs were primary then child support would be based on a more complicated formula, taking into account school nights (and the impact on parental income if all school nights are with one parent) and all other costs (extra-curricular, housing, food etc.) not purely the number of nights spent at each home.

I’m so sorry you feel like that. I’ve got 2 kids and share custody with their dad (I have them 60% of the time and him 40%). I worry so much about my kids being unhappy and they complain about the back and forth. I do have a very good relationship with their dad though and we are always very flexible and work around the kids plans (sleepovers, events and so on). It’s far from ideal but it does make me feel incredibly guilty.

@Katewashere the fact your children can talk openly about how annoying it is sometimes and share their feelings probably means it isn't causing the lasting damage some people are reporting. It is the fact that often children have to hide their feelings from the parents, because they take offence/find it hard to hear they don't want to be with them equally that IMO causes so much of the resentment later on. This way, you are discussing openly how this is difficult, and have options for fixing it as you communicate well.

My children didn't grow up in a great home environment for a different reason, and I felt terrible about it, but them being able to talk about why it was difficult and moan at least allows these emotions to be expressed and not to fester under the surface for years.

You do what you can, and very few life situations are ideal.

Agree.

Never met a child who liked it.

Met plenty of parents who say their child thinks it wonderful.... Even when the child in question is in front of them saying they hate it.

I’m sure it is awful being the child who goes back and forth.

I know my kids would rather not be going between homes (they are with me 10/14). But a nesting agreement with someone like my exh would have been hell on earth.

At least this way, I can make a happy, calm and stable main home for them here.

Thank you. They do complain about not having clothes at one or other parents and the journey to their dads (30 mins away). I think it’s tiring for them and I hate they have to do it. They do miss the other parent as well. None of it is ideal really. I’m glad at least there is good relations between me and my ex and we are happy to adapt if one of the kids is really not wanting to stay at the other house. It makes me so sad how it impacts children though and the lasting impact we might not be aware of.

Yanbu. The only people who matter are the children. It's irrelevant if the parents want to see them 50% of the time. The kids probably also have activities and friends they want to see. EOW with catch ups in the week is less disruptive. I'm so glad my parents didn't try any 50/50 nonsense.

Hold on, why is 50:50 about 'accomodating men'? Sounds pretty sexist 🙄

Dads can be excellent parents you know, it's not the bloody 1920s.

You seem to think kids should automatically have majority residence with their mother.

My husband was his kids primary carer until the divorce. Kid is very attached to him. It was heartbreaking for them both to have to go from that down to 50:50 just to appease the control freak mother (didn't want anything to do with the kids before the divorce, they were just props in her 'happy family' insta life, worked away most of the time. Wanted 100% residence after to punish her ex).

Dads aren't always the arseholes in every scenario.

When was DS was a teen the fact we did 50)50 care didn't stop him seeing his friends , attending anything he wanted. But it's was more like your 2 nd paragraph although a 2 stop ride on train

This thread has been useful in considering it from a child perspective

A good friend of mine’s DD got to 6th form and said enough. She liked both parents equally so she tossed a coin as to which was her main base.

There is so little acknowledgement on this thread about the importance of fathers in children's lives. Statistically, children with active, present fathers do better in a whole variety of areas. It's uncomfortable for women who want to believe that they are sufficient, but all the evidence says otherwise. DH and I both had absent fathers (unavoidable due to their addictions) and it has had a lasting impact. We both looked like we were "thriving" as teens -- ultimately we weren't.

My DH has had to fight for access to his children through the courts. After his ex left, she (like many on this thread) saw him as a inconvenience to her and their DC. The couple of nights a month that she allowed him to see them (around friends and school and clubs and family time) was not enough for him to parent, it simply kept them in vague touch.

Things are better now but she still actively resents the court scheduled access because of the inconvenience (longer journey to school etc). What so many of you don't see is that this inconvenience is a result of the divorce, not a result of involved, committed Dads seeking to be able to parent their children because they know that this is in their best interest.

Divorce is awful and has negative consequences on children whether 50:50 or not. Often the threshold for leaving is too low. Lots of accusations of selfishness here towards those who have moved onto new relationships post divorce, very little acknowledgement of the basic selfishness of divorce (other than in cases of abuse/addiction etc). The question is whether carting bags around, living across homes is a greater harm than not having a relationship with the father. I would suggest it is not.

Why do so few people see that time with your mother/father is NOT simply about the interests of the parent, it is in the interests of the child.