To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

We do dad same 2 weeknights every week and he does 1 weekend a month. Childs main home with me.

I live a third between my own place, a third at my partners and a third travelling abroad

I was told by my solicitor that if I tried to fight 50/50 it would cost me at least £10,000 in court costs (I didn’t have) and I was unlikely to win.

Many non resident parents live in poverty after a split. I understand that you found your childhood traumatic but the question was would you give up your kids and see them 2 nights a fortnight to facilitate them not having the life you did or would you expect to be the default resident parent.

That's horrendous. Babies need their mothers.

But that's your choice.
The children in 50:50 arrangements haven't chosen this.

Not every 2 to 3 days you don’t.

You are an adult independently able to make plans and come and go as you please - and I bet this isn't a merry-go-round of moving every 2 days. You have your "own place" where was the OPs "own place" only staying anywhere for a couple of nights.

The OP has stated she doesn't like to stay away from her own home now such was the effect on her of all the to-ing and fro-ing.

OP I also did this and I hated it. I didn’t really know another life as it started around 8 so memories before then aren’t that clear.

however, it fills me with dread that I’d ever be in a position where I put my child through that. I’ve also told my husband I couldn’t do it to my kids. I’m not sure what the solution would be, but it’s not the life I want for them.

it took me years of being an adult to get over it. It makes me well up and want to hug my former self. Not having to drag my things about and only having once place to keep my things is very important to me. I hate sharing a wardrobe and it actually upsets me that
my husband puts his things in mine (I don’t object as I know it’s crazy..!) because his wardrobe is in now in our daughters room.

Well I agree that the non resident parents need strong rights to stop that sort of thing happening - there are no easy answers, but I do think that the current default 50/50 situation needs rethinking with the wellbeing of the child paramount.

Yes it sounds shit to me. And the amount of Mum's on here who send their children to an abusive ex. Crazy. If one parent is so desperate not to be with their partner, to the extent they would leave the family home, they should accept that they have to move out and have visits. Or just stay together.

Actually 2 to 3 days is about as long as I stay at dp before going home

As I kid I wandered between my parents houses as well until my mum moved 100 miles away, then I saw her less often

DS had a choice about whether to stay with the 50/50 care he'd known all his life and was happy with things like that.

@hedgehogbrown what are you actually talking about? For a start most people's exs are not abusive. I doubt lots of mothers are sending their kids off. Nobody is forced to stay in a relationship just because you have a child with someone. Ridiculous.

So given the choice which parent would you have chosen to live with and which would you have reduced to an atm that you visited when it suited you.
Non resident parents seem to lose the bond with their children that resident parents have. And mums seem to assume they should be the default resident parent in most cases.

Would you have preferred them arguing all the time

In your opinion.

It worked well for my kids, and they would agree. They wanted equal time with each parent so that's what we gave them.

It’s a terrible arrangement for the children. Especially if it is court ordered and they have to go regardless even if the ex is abusive. The adults on here often say the children like the arrangement but there are many adults like the Op that can finally say how much they hated it. It’s for the parents not the children who deserve a base. That’s probably why you get so many on here in a flap when they have an overnight meeting at work and don’t want to leave home and go.
when parents drag in new partners and step sibling it must be worse for many children. The adults always say it works though.

Well anything else isn’t hypocritical- the alternative is to stay together

To be fair the level of maintenance set in this country in pathetically low. I struggle to believe that fathers who want 50:50 do to avoid paying this lowly amount. Maybe they just want their children?

I agree with this. I always eye roll when people say this. In 99% of cases it would cost more to have your children 50% of the time than pay maintenance.

You forget that some are /were financially abusive. They will do anything to get a kick out of harming a woman.
And if that isn't the case how come so many men, like my ex, once they get the contact they want "on paper" don't actually have the children half the time they are meant to. They like to have their cake and eat it

I think if you feel it’s so bad then ask yourself if you’d be happy to be the one to see your children 8 times a month? Which is what EOW and a night in the week amounts to. And would they be happy to see you that often? If not then please query why you feel they should be subjected to missing their other parent that often, especially if care has been relatively shared pre-divorce. (I know it’s MN and everyone is married to 100k a year emotionally checked out arseholes who don’t parent but back in the real world many of us share care and domestic duties fairly equally).

My DSD loves her 50:50 arrangement and is old enough to give an opinion, and then some! Her Mum and Dad have always told her that if she’s unhappy they will look at things. That said, they live 5 mins apart and are very, very amicable. It’s a harder situation if parents are far away or combative but any custody situation is hard where parents behave like children.

Me neither.

We had an EOW schedule with special arrangements for school holidays, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day, and our birthdays, but he still wasn't able to abide by it peacefully. I had eleven years of post divorce hell from him because he couldn't believe I wasn't prepared to put up with his abuse til death did us part.

Some people are not cut out for relationships based on love, honour, and respect, and when the least bad option for the kids is divorce, they don't miraculously turn into decent human beings. This is because it wasn't the relationship that made them evil people. The DCs used to hate going to see their father EOW. My ex stopped abusing me through post divorce motions for contempt only when I succeeded in getting a guardian ad litem appointed to represent the DCs after he had had a narcissistic meltdown targeting them one weekend.

None of the DCs have anything to do with their father now.

To the point many countries have had to legislate and set up child support services!

Quite!