To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

It is for parents not children. What you have described sounds awful.

Why is automatically assumed the main home is the mothers, mothers constantly complain on here they want men to step and they are tired of doing it all so why not let children live FT with their fathers then because of course the fathers would be equally good at being parents because women would surely not have children with someone so useless?

Sorry you had a hard time op. That does sound shit.

I kicked my exh out because he was useless. Some people on MN have told me that because he wasn’t abusive I should have stayed. But the situation became so intolerable for me that I genuinely felt like I had no choice. I’ve also had MNetters tell me I should have chosen a better father. I realise that now but I’m not going to sit here and lament this, I don’t regret my choices because otherwise I wouldn’t have my wonderful kids, but also I have to look forward not back.

It is not ideal and I am not under any illusions that the situation is amazing. This is not what I wanted for my children and my own life. But when divorce happens the parents have to decide on the next best case scenario. Our current setup is that my exh has the children 4 nights per fortnight. He could have them more if he chose to (it is a bit more in holidays tbf). Like I said I don’t think the situation is ideal for them but I think it is the best under the circumstances. As a parent I have to juggle what works for me but also what I think will work OK for the children and sometimes parents get that wrong.

I don’t believe that 50/50 is always done with the idea that the children will see both parents equally. Plenty of parents will choose that so they have equal time to work, date and have a social life. I think 50/50 can only work if both parents are capable of good communication and have an excellent co parenting relationship. I think that is really only possible in the minority of cases - otherwise they’d still be together.

I’d agree with this. As I said 50:50 works for my DSD but we live 5 mins from her Mum and step dad, her friends are all nearby, her parents swap weekends and days etc where necessary to accommodate holidays, family events, club events etc and there’s no drama.

Op, I just want to say I think a lot of people on this thread appear to be triggered and taking it out on you or at best misunderstanding what you’ve been through. I’m sorry you went through that very destabilising experience. I am neither the child of divorce nor a divorcée but when a friend of mine split up with her husband she said there was loads of research that supported one parent having the child for the lion’s share of the time. She was right. https://jech.bmj.com/content/69/8/769 and https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-on-automatic/202307/8-reasons-5050-custody-arrangements-may-not-work .

Not always. My DH and his exW communicate far better apart than they did together by the sounds of it! They are both lovely people, and very similar people, who got married far too young and unwisely made a “band aid baby” to try to fix what was already broken. Both are in good second marriages with no issues to people who are far less like them - opposites attract has worked well! Both had therapy before remarrying too which I think helped as both are very anxious, highly strung worriers. DSD doesn’t remember them together but even at 10 laughs at the thought! They are good coparents and have reached friendship over the years (she and I are good friends too) which is probably why 50:50 works.

Yes, my childhood situation was similar, as I mentioned upthread. I lived with mum, visited dad, and only ever had one bedroom .

Are you equally close to both your parents or has your relationship with your non resident parent suffered by not being raised by them?

I agree with this. My brother is getting divorced. He is a very involved dad and his kids love him very much. She wanted the divorce (basically just got the ick and couldn’t be bothered to work on the marriage) and turned around one day to say I don’t love you anymore. Suddenly she is expecting to live in the house and have the kids full time. My brother has become an annoying fly she wants to swat away. But why shouldn’t he be the primary parent? He didn’t ask for this, she did. So imo she should be the one to suffer from any custody arrangement they reach, not him and definitely not the children.

Did your dad suffer financially because of that decision?
I see a lot of dads reduced to bedsits and grotty 1 beds because it's all they can afford - which means mum wont allow overnights whether the kids and dad want them anyway

I honestly think my children would have a better relationship with their dad it they only saw him in small doses. As it is, they are with him enough to realise he is a narcissistic bully and increasingly (now they can vote with their feet) choose not to go when they are meant to.

And , switching to decent parents, my mum was a sahm throughout my childhood and my dad worked long hours so we only really saw him at the weekends and holidays (and not even every weekend as often had to work). I felt just as close to him. When he was with us he spent all his time and energy on us. A relationship isn't about quality as much as quantity

In general, yes I think it is.

And I also think it’s mainly a ploy for controlling men who don’t want to ‘give’ money to their exes

I also think these controlling men then use the 50/50 to do as little as possible and the woman is left having to sort social life. Hobbies, medical and school.

@EmeraldSloth in response to your comment at 18:21 patronising me and asking what I wa son about……it’s not really a laughing matter.
the very fact that you wrote that a decision / arrangement you deemed (if those circumstances arose) to be in your children’s best interests but didn’t actually involve - on the basis of the post I challenged - anything other than what you could imagine / want , well it says it all

True.
But I do think kids and resident parents get to the stage where they can't always be bothered to keep up visits not because they're trying to be cruel but because teens are self centred and they want their social life and their tech and their home comforts rather than spending time their other parent.
Difficult all round really.

Definitely not the case here as we live only a few minutes apart. Their dad is just a bully and they don't feel happy there

It's down to both parents to ensure they have social life and tech and home comforts in each place. In fact the better tech is definitely at their dads house and I imagine that's often the case

It would be interesting to hear from more adults who lived with 50/50 as children and see what percentage were happy with it

That is so sad. I worry that my kids might feel like this. It's awful what the kids go through and have little or no control over their situations.

Sorry I was referring to latter part of your post.
If the non resident parent isn't treating the children correctly then obviously that totally changes the case. No child should be made to spend time with an abusive parent.

Why do so few people see that time with your mother/father is NOT simply about the interests of the parent, it is in the interests of the child.

Because in very many cases it’s not at all in the interests of the child to live this way. It is done for the parents and the child is treated like a slice of pie cut in two.

Im not saying it would be every 2/3 days, it could be week on week off, we may have a base like our house and a flat and me and the dad would switch houses on our days.

My children are in sports so are out the house for school and then train till 8.30pm, they come home eat dinner and go to sleep so unsure how mch it would affect to be honest anyways.

Also we are the parents, of course it needs to work for us!!!!

I think that until dads are viewed equally to mums then 50/50 will be the best that can be achieved, a lot of dads are and want to continue to be involved and at the moment they’re unlikely to be viewed as the primary parent even if they actually are.
I know of a few women who have decided they want to split and the dad can just have eow, they’ve then had to fight to get 50/50 even when it’s them the dc want to live with. The whole mother is primary parent isn’t always true today and until society and the courts catch up it will be that 50/50 is what genuinely involved dads have to settle for.

I think that until dads are viewed equally to mums then 50/50 will be the best that can be achieved, a lot of dads are and want to continue to be involved and at the moment they’re unlikely to be viewed as the primary parent even if they actually are.
I know of a few women who have decided they want to split and the dad can just have eow, they’ve then had to fight to get 50/50 even when it’s them the dc want to live with. The whole mother is primary parent isn’t always true today and until society and the courts catch up it will be that 50/50 is what genuinely involved dads have to settle for.

Didn't used to be much of a thing so doubt many adults have done it

Yes, it's terrible for kids, ideal for parents who just want to be free again. Everything today is about me, I and myself, not so much about others.

The principle people it needs to work for is the kids.

Have you ever lived in 2 places week on week off?