To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

But that’s looking at it from the parents’ point of view, not the child’s.

Exactly. And yet, most of the posters on this thread claim it's the best arrangement for the child.

OP of course you are right. Anyone arguing against what you’ve said is just trying to assuage their guilt for their own children being thrust into a similar arrangement.

All of your feelings are acceptable and understandable. Can I suggest you find a therapist to talk it through with. I am currently about to attend session four of sixteen and it’s really helped me befriend my inner child again. I feel sorry for her. She deserved better, as did you.

It's sad to read about your experience. It sounds like your parents were quite petty with you caught in the middle. I believe other people do better than that and allow teenagers to have weekend plans etc.. so for other people it may not be quite the same as your experiences.

WTF are you taking about 😂

I've already said, I'd make a decision I thought was in the best interests of my kids (50/50) and if it turned out I got it wrong, and they weren't happy with that, we'd re-evaluate.

YABU , just because your parents couldn’t be bothered to sort it out so it worked better for you that doesn’t make 50/50 wrong and if both parents are capable and involved then it’s the ideal .

This is definitely the best for children I think. They shouldn't be moving around every few days. Adults have more emotional maturity and a better ability to adapt than children with growing brains so they need to take this on rather than expecting the children to.

I work with some children who operate on the 2.2.3 schedule, and on the surface they seem fine with it - their parents definitely feel they are. However underneath they resent it, find it really unsettling and are forever asking their teacher 'is it a mummy weekend or a daddy weekend'? Is mummy picking me up today or Daddy?

I really like this way of doing it. Unfortunately, my ex was/is not a bad man but we split almost exclusively because he was so lazy and never did any housework - so I'd have ended up cleaning both properties every time and I may as well have stayed with him if that were the case!

Edited - sorry, I was replying to the kid stays in the family home and the parents moved out to a flat when it's not their time post.

My dc don’t know any different to be honest. My home is their main home, in a busy town - I have the sleepovers and host the parties etc.
I have made the decision that I won’t have another live in partner or more children.
I also don’t put any responsibility on them to be the person remembering to pack x y z if going to their dads, I do it all as much as I can.
Their dad lives rurally, has horses etc and a nice partner so in a way I’m glad they have two little worlds.
Im sure in some way they will resent it when older and I am sad about it. I grew up in a nuclear family though and trust me there were LOTS that I would have changed given the choice.

Maybe if both parents want the kids and one allows the other full residency the the resident parent waivers all maintenance rights then.
Kids pick up on their parents attitudes so if OP ever does get divorced her kids will think 50/50 is bad because mum does even if they miss their dad.
I expect all the others saying how terrible 50/50 is on this thread will be offering their ex's residency in the case of divorce and seeing their kids 2 nights eow - anything else would be hypocritical.
The only thing I'll add is that 50/50 should be full weeks - the couple of days here and then a couple there is awful.

She can make life easier by giving their dad residency but I doubt that'd happen

What a sensible response

Ex and I are the same - I like to think that is being civil and amicable demonstrates to the kids that in life you have to communicate and deal with people who you don’t see eye to eye with eg in fhe workplace !!

yabvu

a d you’re probably only a part time worker because you’re long houred working partner provides for that … so if you split you’d have to go back full time or expect the state to pick up the tab …

and 50:50 can work very well. It’s warring parents that don’t

my kids had two homes. We lived close by, generally did a week at each, flexible, two sets of things so no lugging about and could pop in and pick stuff up if needed. If they wanted to swap a day or whatever, fine

would I have preferred to live further away from ex? Yes! Did I? No because it was the right thing for our children

it’s not divorce that breaks children - it’s how their parents handle it

I completely agree that it would be awful to be the non resident parent and that there needs to be flexibility to make the situation as good as possible for the non resident parent. I’m just saying that the wellbeing of the child is paramount, so if 50/50 isn’t in the child’s best interests it shouldn’t be the default just because it’s the fairest option for both parents.

Partner picks up the tab … perhaps the long houred working partner can only work those long hours (and simultaneously build their career and pension pot) because they are lucky enough to have a partner who is willing to sacrifice their own career by working part time so they can bear the brunt of childcare?

YANBU. Its a horrible arrangement for children. Constantly on the move. Never ending travellers for years on end.
Parents should be the ones to be constantly moving. One house for the children and they can move in and out. I know all the arguments against this obviously. New marriages etc.
The thought of my children being subjected to this cruelty made me work hard at my marriage to make sure it didn't happen.
And of course I know that also isnt always possible.u

My father would not have had a bedsit. He was and is a very wealthy man.

Aided greatly by my mother being a SAHM & later a part time worker whilst he gained extra qualification and promotions.

I resent my father as I don't feel wanted to raise me. I was initially extremely confused when I found out I would be spending half my time with him - although as he kept the family home it wasn't as strange a transition initially (until he moved the OW in of course!). He wanted to avoid paying maintenance, which would have been a lot due to his high salary. Instead, he was able to pay nothing, and when we were younger use his mother and OW (and sometimes female colleagues) to babysit us.

Even if this had not been the case, and when I was older and no longer needed a babysitter, I still hated packing up and moving every few days.

A couple of people have commented on the high level of detail I've given. I do remember it all very very well, it doesn't feel that long ago, even though it is cracking on twenty years. But I do have a very good memory from most of my life, so it isn't just this stuff I'm 'fixated on', I could probably provide similar detail about many more mundane things! I've had a lot of therapy, have a good relationship with my mother and VLC with my father, NC with his wife.

This is more expanding my thinking to a wider perspective outside of just my own experience. But I do thank all posters for their concern, well wishes, and even disagreements. I do think there are some set ups mentioned on here that seems much more child centric than mine was. Nesting is certainly a very interesting concept.

I did mention up thread that my partner actually moved into my house. My house that I owned and ran solo for several years prior to meeting him.

I worked part time then, nothing has changed.

His contribution to the running of the home is of course fair and welcome, but his working longer hours is simply due to the nature of the work we do - not because I am a low earner. I do not need to work full time to run my home. Prior to purchasing the house and saving for a deposit, I did work full time.

I’d love to have my kids 50/50 shame Ex didnt want it! Seems like the most ideal to me so we all think differently.

The adult children almost never get listened to either. Parents on here just say how well everything works etc etc despite a lot of us speaking up about how awful it really was.

This is a horrible reply. She wanted ALL her stuff.
Do you get to live in a house with all your stuff @RubySquid or do you have to move houses every 2 days and live out of a bag?

You make a good point but non resident parents can easily be removed completely from a childs life without 50/50.
Look at the smug poster on here telling us her son hated the Christmas changeover and has spent every Christmas with her - why has she allowed that.

It doesn’t really matter whether you’re BU or not. The state of family law currently is that 50/50 is the starting point and that’s what most divorcing people end up with as a result. I am currently raising a young child on a 2/2/3 schedule with my ex who left me for her affair partner, and it works well because (despite what happened) we’ve worked hard at putting the past behind us and getting on well.

Shouldn't the childrens needs come first?