To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

You are a decent human being to think like that - it is a rarity on MN that people realise the trauma for the children - it is all dsd and dss, etc. causing problems, never 'how can I make life easier for my dschildren?'

So many posters would rather start a MN thread than go to therapy.

I think it very clearly is still having an impact and points to the selfish nature of parents who would force this on a child.

And I’m not sure it helps when it’s extreme like this, I think it feeds it, even though posters mean well.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time.

The difficulty is, who determines who is the 'primary parent'? In your set up it would clearly have been your mum, but how does a court determine this? My husband looked after his child pre school years but after the divorce, the mum keeps insisting she is the 'primary parent' (despite working full time while he is part time). It would have been better for the child to continue being mainly looked after by Dad, as he was used to, but mum applied to court for full residence, which ended up as 50:50 . Really, how could they have decided anything else?

If both parents are willing and able to look after the child, how can a court tell one of them that they can't and through no fault of their own they will now only see their child EoW?

I don't know what the answer is. Ideally, flexibility and compromise.

My children share their time 50/50 between me and their dad. We try our very best to make their transition from each home to be as smooth as possible. Every decision has been made with their interests at the forefront of our minds.

personally, I work a full time job, 2-3 days in the office which is a 1.5 hour commute away. I cannot get a job that pays the mortgage any closer. I cannot afford a house closer to the office. My house is just big enough to accommodate me and my children. Without the 50/50 split, say, the children stay with me primarily, they would spend more time in childcare and maybe get to see me for 15 mins extra in the mornings. With the 50/50 split they get to spend less time in childcare, and 2-3 evenings with their dad, plus every other weekend.

I’m not sure how else we could manage, to be honest. To be told our situation is cruel is adding more guilt on top of the guilt I (and most separated parents) feel from separating from their father in the first place.

This thread is so sad and just goes to show how horrendous divorce is for kids. No judgement; I'm divorced myself, and I do believe that most divorces are absolutely necessary and that most parents try everything they can before going down that road. (I always roll my eyes at the "people give up too easily these days" crew. No, they don't. Most people cherish and value their marriages highly, and only divorce when there is truly no alternative.) It's just such a pity for the kids.

When I used to meet my son's dad for the post-christmas handover, it was in the farthest corner of a hotel car park just off the A38. We'd park up and wait, and every other car parked in that far corner would also be divorcees waiting for a handover. You'd see a car pull up, the boots would open, bags and presents would be swapped, and so would kids.

Just the GRIMMEST thing imaginable.

My son is now 17, he gets the train to his Dad's if he's going, and he chooses to spend every christmas here, like your son. Now he's older, it's up to him - he chooses home.

Child benefit to cover school dinners? And other things? That’s crazy! Ok it’s £17 p/w for second children now. But that would only just cover school dinners surely?

Sure but that’s because both parents want to spend time with their children. Think some posters having a compassion bypass again. Maybe don’t be so quick to judge situations you don’t understand. Divorce is incredibly tough and often one party has to accommodate an unreasonable other half and tries the best to appease them for the benefit of the situation. It’s not perfect, but one parent barely seeing their kids isn’t necessarily the answer is it?

50 50 takes work. We do week on /off so there is less back and forth compared to your arrangement of 2 2 3.
We also duplicated many things (clothes etc) and where things could not, we ensured they were packed. So when the kids were small, I or ex packed the case with the lego set or whatever it was and then transported it over to the other house. So the DC didnt have the burden.
If something was forgotten we brought it over. We consciously wanted to make it "not their problem" that they lived across 2 houses. We consciously live a short walk away for this reason too.

Eta: they have also exploited this as they got older by pretending homework was in the other house when infact they'd not done it at all!!!

As they got older they wanted and do pack themselves but these days it's a small rucksack. We've asked them repeatedly over the years if they want to change arrangements and they have said no, they like week on/off.

But ultimately it took a lot of work from the parents to make it easy for the kids. Not everyone can do that (difficult exes etc). But it is possible.

If one of us was to die in the near future at least our kids had time with us both throughout the time we were separated/divorced. Did they love packing bags/ did i? No, but they had time with us. That can’t be got back one day when the parent isn’t there or they are adults.

It’s just awful isn’t it. When we moved in with now dh (again, terrible parent!), he put a stop to the service station swaps and just drove ds the two hours to his dads house after school on a Friday and back again to pick him up on the Sunday (by then, it had dropped to once a month). He thought it was just horrible to swap him over in a car park.

I agree.

I voted you are being unreasonable. My partner never saw his dad count your blessings he was in your life. There is no perfect upbringing or situation.

We are a great marrage and not due to split any time soon lol but i would never ask him to give up any more than i would, and 50/50 would work for us.

That’s the OP’s point though. 50/50 would work for you and your DH but not for your DC. How would you feel if you had to pack a bag every 2-3 days?

I agree, op- it’s primarily about the interests of the parents not the children, as a lot of respondents acknowledge when they ask whether you’d want to see your kids EOW.

What would you do - hypothetically- if your kids said they didn’t want to go back and forth between their separated parents’ respective houses? What if they said they wanted to stay in the family home every night? What would matter most to you then, since you are at pains to point out you’re not one of those parents?

Your opinion in this context means nothing. Or should. As should ANY parents. It should always be what the children want not how their best interests and needs are eclipsed by the agony or needs of their parents.

50:50 care is almost always about accommodating the emotional entitlement of parents as opposed to prioritising those of their children. Your reply and so many others on this thread shore that statement up time and time again.

I agree it’s awful for the child. It’s done to suit the adults, while the child’s needs aren’t centred. It’s really sad.

I believe the best is probably every other Friday/Saturday/Sunday night, plus one midweek evening, that would be flexible. Or some of the set ups mentioned on here, whereby the other parent has majority of school holidays for longer chunks of time etc.

I agree with you @5050hell but a lot of posters use the phrase ‘deadbeat dad’ about any father who doesn’t do 50/50

Me and the ex did 4 &3 and with hindsight it was horrible for the kids as they were panicking about making sure they had everything and where they were meant to be (it brings me to tears thinking about it now) The current arrangement is 2weeks with each parent and 15 year old DS is more than happy with that but we do live less than a mile apart... We thought we were doing the right thing for the kids but we clearly fucked up !

As I have just written to another person not in this position but musing on the what ifs.
it is almost identical in the how the two parents can’t imagine or tolerate a scenario unfolding whereby they, the parents suffer. The actual children are an afterthought.

My friend fully agrees with you OP, she hated it and said she never felt like she had a real home, another of my friends had this arrangement for years but as soon as the kids got old enough both decided they didn’t like the back and forward and both decided to fully live with one parent and just have the occasional night with the other.

My friend and her EDH have an arrangement that works for them , the DC live on the family home. The parents take it in turns to stay with them.
Only works if both parents are able to afford to pay for separate homes and the "family" home.

If your scenario is that you're the default resident parent then you're being unfair yes.
Likely you get the bulk or all of the family home, you get to stay working part time and claim top up benefits and plenty of time with kids.
Your ex gets a bedsit, pays maintenance to you and doesn't get to see much of his kids.
You resent your dad for wanting to raise you and think it was for money? Your mums right she did the right thing with 50/50.