To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I know if me and my husband were to divorce, anything less than 50/50 would be unbearable for our kids.

Your experiences, and how you felt about tour own custody arrangement, are absolutely valid. But I think YABU to project those onto other families.

It sounds like a lot of your problems stemmed from coparenting struggles that probably would've happened regardless of the custody arrangement. Sorry that happened to you - sounds rough.

I think it's crazy that kids are forced to do this. It's incredibly selfish.

I agree, I don’t have any anecdotal examples of kids who’ve got on with it.

I think every parent who thinks it’s a good idea should try it themselves first.

Sounds like you hated the experience and I am sorry to hear that. I guess no divorce or separation is ever easy on kids and it's hard to strike a balance between convenience and making one parent a visiting one. Overall, if both parents can still act like reasonable and responsible adults who put interests of their children above their own, I still think it's better for their kids to be able to maintain a relationship with both parents. When they grow up, it should usually mean they can turn to both parents for support in their time of need.

Unfortunately, not all parents can behave like responsible adults 😔

YANBU. Children need stability and the certainty of one place called home, imo. Of my son's friends with divorced parents, the ones on the receiving end of 50:50 custody all seem more anxious and perhaps inevitably disorganised - the thing they need always seems to be at the other parent's house (coat, homework, football boots). It's fine to double up on these things when it's Primark prices - I guess - but when it came to teenage years when their coat was their christmas present because they wanted a fancy one, it all gets a bit much.

One of his friends actually refused to see his mum for months when he hit 14 because he was so sick of it - the different rules at each parent's house, never having his things, always missing out on stuff because his parents lived in different towns and so he wasn't able to walk to school and back with his mates or be around for after school hang outs when he was at his mum's. He just wanted to stay at what he saw as his home, with his dad, and be able to go to do things with his friends after school. It was fairly horrific for his mother, but I had a lot of sympathy for the poor lad.

His friends all have a favourite home, if not a favourite parent exactly, and so eg groan when it's xxxxxx's turn for Christmas because it's more fun at yyyyyyy's.

I am divorced and had main custody, with my son staying with his dad every other weekend. We agreed from early on that I would also get every Christmas and birthday, for this reason - so my son could build core memories and rituals and routines, rather than feel like luggage at times of the year that should be special. In reality, it means his Dad celebrates Christmas Day on another day, and my son gets two - we try and make being divorced a GOOD thing.

I agree. I think it’s very very important for children to have a base, a home, a place to belong. And that’s not possible if you are constantly splitting your time between two homes and trying to live equally between them. It’s also exceptionally difficult to spend time in 2 homes with 2 sets of rules and shift from one to the other. Having to do that every few days must be incredibly difficult and stressful. I’ve seen the effect on my son just every other weekend, and I remember my mum mentioning my ‘attitude’ when I got back every other weekend. It must be impossible to deal with that shift of behaviour and rules and attitude every few days.

Yes, it's an arrangement that suits parents not children. Who would ever say 'I prefer living half my time in one place and half in another'?

I've seen stuff on social media about couples doing that and it is amazing, and also highlights how utterly ridiculous it is to expect kids to keep moving between one house and another and think it's a good idea, because most adults' immediate reaction is no, I'm not doing that, that's ridiculous and it would be wildly inconvenient to me.

Yes. Quite.

As others point out, would you be prepared to sacrifice your 50% time with your children?? If not then you are being very unreasonable.

Isn't this exactly OP's point though? That it's selfish? That neither parent wants to sacrifice 'their' time and so the child has to have a schedule that the adults want, even if it makes them feel shit?

We've been doing 50/50 for 8 years, now the dc are older we only live a couple of miles apart so theyll be able to suit themselves but so far they're sticking to the arrangement.

But, we're flexible, we communicate and we both pay for things as and when. Really the only thing that goes backwards and forwards is school bags/PE kit, and xh and I give anything they need to each other - they don't take it to school, and they have more than enough of everything at both houses.

Different strokes for different folks but if you ask mine they'd think you were odd for questioning it as they've done it most of their lives

It really depends on the parents. I have 50/50 with my kids dad. We switch on Mondays, the parent who is handing over brings anything the kids want/need eg favourite teddies, sports kit. It works very well and we are also flexible if there is a fun activity/holiday/forgotten treasure.
they have their own rooms at each house and look forward to different things, eg XBox at Dad’s/Ddog at mine 😂.
If the parents aren’t arseholes and listen to what the kids want/need, it doesn’t need to be traumatic

Forgive me if I think you’re talking about yourself not your kids.

You don’t know if 50/50 would be bearable for them if you’ve never tried it.

Some of the kids I know chose one home as soon as they were able. They’d rather just deal with missing the other parent to have some stability. And once they’re teens they don’t miss their parents so much anyway.

But the most important person to consider is the child, not the adults. I honestly think that 50/50 is not what’s best for the child.

I agree!. The kids won't know if they're coming or going. 1 week off and on is best as far as I'm concerned. That way both parents get some rest and can have a life

I haven't got time to read the entire thread, but I do wonder if there are any adults on here who did 2,2,3 and say it was fine.

Once you become a parent, the children's needs should come first and parental need secondary. This extends after the parents' relationship breakdown. Unfortunately, that is not always the case and children feel obligated to see both parents "fairly".

The only time shared care really works is when the children are put first and their needs met. Any changes of days for parties, sleepovers or other events, or needs for items at the other parent's house should be facilitated promptly.

Parents continue to have a duty of care to their children after they separate. Unfortunately, my own experience is of the "absent" parent continuing to manipulate the children, abuse the "resident" parent and control the situation for their own needs.

Of course, I don't know exactly how things would play out since we're not divorced.

But I do know my children - see how much they struggle when DH is away for work, for example. Likewise when I'm away.

OP asked if 50/50 was selfish and horrible for children. My opinion is that it is not. I hate the thought of losing 50% of the time with them - the most selfish thing for me to do would be to insist they primarily lived with me because I'd struggle to be without them half the time.

Nobody knows exactly how it would pan out unless they're already doing it. Any custody arrangement could be selfish if done for the wrong reasons. Equally, parents might get it wrong - and the least selfish thing would be to adapt the arrangement for the benefit of the child, something which OP's parents obviously didn't do.

while my parents were divorced I was 100% with my mom and never saw my what I call sperm donor. I count myself lucky.
my DH and I have casually discussed what ifs as well and agree that the child needs stability so if we were to hypothetically separate, the child will live in a house 100% of the time and the parents will be the ones shuffling back and forth.
yes there are costs and logistics that are very inconvenient, but why should be the child or children the ones that are inconvenienced for the choices and decisions of the adults?

I don’t think 50/50 is good for kids. They need a home, not to be little nomads. If I got divorced I’d prefer to keep mine majority of the time and husband to have eow. Ideally then he would be at the house regularly in the evenings for dinner and to spend time with DC. I think that would make it more normal for DC. But if I hated his guts that’s a lot easier said than done.

I think the OP is saying that it’s not fair for the child. Parents should put the child first and 50;50 arrangements are for the benefit of the parent not child.

i would have hated this and I would make the best of almost any relationship (except an abusive one) to make sure my child had one stable home throughout their childhood. I know it’s not popular but that’s my perspective and my DHs.

Nothing is ideal though. Some grow up in homes where the parents should divorce. Don’t believe the kids don’t pick up on the atmosphere and absorb all the stresses of an antagonistic, cold or loveless marriage. This can also cause lasting problems into adulthood which are difficult or impossible to ever recover from. I’m not sure what the answer is. Grow up with parents who are amazing to the kids and madly in love with each other. Lucky percentage of people who manage that! I’m not sure what divorced parents need is more guilt that they are screwing up their kids. Many of us have enough of that.

And that’s fine but what you’re not seeing is precisely how much they’d struggle with 50/50 so you’re not factoring in part of the equation.

But I think many people do divorce when then could work to have very amiable relationships for the sake of their kids. The parents don’t need to be madly in love with each other to create a loving home for a child.

it’s not about not making the parents not feel guilty - it’s about making the best most stable home for the child and the majority of time that’s with both parents

We started off with ex h wanting to split Christmas as birthdays down the middle for ds (August birthday so never at school). Meaning that he had to have him from 1pm.

We did one Christmas Day of meeting at a grotty service station at 1pm (we lived two hours apart and met in the middle. Ds was 9. The next year, ds refused to do it and said he wasn’t doing that again, it was depressing. So he decided to spend Christmas with me and he’s done that ever since - he’s 23 now.

I was one of those terrible mothers who remarried and had another child a few years later, and he didn’t want to be away from his little sister at Christmas.

This seems very present to you op. Current. And it impacts your adult life, have you thought about therapy, trying to get help to move on? Not being able to stay at a partners, begging him to not do 50 50 , the sheer level of detail in your posts and the clear angst and upset you feel,still to this day.

I think when your child hood impacts you to this extent, it is time to seek therapy to enable you to live a life without its hangover.