To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

Thank you.
Not fair to always blame the guy

Absolutely agree with ensuring both households are well-stocked.
I always buy more uniform yet the kids are always asked to bring uniform back from mine to his and I can end up in uniform deficit. I can’t predict his laundry schedule.
And yes, he wanted this because he didn’t want to pay me a single penny more.

I have absolutely no idea what you've just read?

But what I read was the OP saying

"I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?"

Which is why I replied

"YABU because all families are different.
What will work for some, won't work for others and vice versa."

Perhaps you need to go back and read again?

My dd’s best friend has a set up like this - 2/2/3 and honestly it seems absurd for a teen. Constant dragging stuff for different after school activities to different houses, dad lives a 35-40 min drive from school so if there’s change of plans after school it’s really awkward, her mum is really unhappy with her daughter socialising on “her” nights. I notice it basically because it is really impactful on her social life which is really difficult for a teen. I would think at their age (16) a week on week off set up would be much better.

But then I am separated from dds dad and they have seen each other maybe 4 times this year so what do I know!

YANBU OP,
It sounds a dreadful way to live.

Adults that feel they need to keep switching their child's home justified by the fact they want to see them could do "nesting" where the child stays in their home and the adults are the ones to come and go. If contact and the child's needs really were their priority then they would do that.

I think you are busy for saying you resent your mother for not trying harder for maintenance. She was probably struggling and stressed out not having the strength to fight anymore.
But as a child we don't see these things.
My heart breaks for what my mum went through, but I never saw it at the time.

At 16 it should be totally up to the child

I meant ' I think you are being unreasonable '

I agree I am. I do have lots of empathy for my mother as I understand my dad threatened her to take full custody (I never knew this at the time). And generally to make her life difficult.

I believe now that actually had she fought she would have been successful. She worked part time, term time only, was the primary parent and I would have stated in court I wanted to be with her.

I feel sad really she didn't feel she could fight it.

Can you share the source?

Yes, that philosophy that is obviously better for the child - if we can’t afford two you can’t have it at all. There’s no way you can convince me that is better for the child than, say, nesting.

There’s quite a few sources.
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0288112

here is one. Kids in nuclear families do best, followed by shared care, followed by lone parenting.

Courts act in kids’ best interests, not parents’. It’s been shown that shared care is better for kids than the couple of hours at the weekend which used to be the norm 30 years ago.

also here
https://nebraskajudicial.gov/sites/default/files/odr/psychological_complaints.pdf

I've heard some parents arrange things so that the child stays put in the main home. The parents rent/buy a small flat nearby and then take it in turns to swap between the flat and the main house.

The child sees their parents 50-50 but stays in the same place 100% of the time. It's possible but very rare because it's an inconvenience for the parents. Goes to show parents generally prioritise their own comfort over their children, otherwise it would be more common.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

https://www.yourtango.com/family/divorced-parents-swap-houses-instead-making-kids-switch-homes

I actully think most parents that dont agree with 50/50 would class themseves as the "default" parent (mum) and assume they would get the majority of custody therefor it wouldnt really affect them because they would never only see their child eow.

But take me for example, my husband works from home, he does all the school drop offs and pickups, he is a fantasic father at not only loving them but also knows what days their PE is and when they need to tak thir bike into school or its dress as you please.

I work in an office and earn triple what he does, i cant do any drop offs or pickups.

But im home for 5pm every night, present all the weekends.

We are equal, we are equally present in different ways, we deserve equal time with our kids and thats exactly hat our kids would want.

I certainly wouldnt want to have the kids 80% and him 20% because that would be devastating to him and the kids but also i would be devastated if it was 80/20 in favour of him.

We are a great marrage and not due to split any time soon lol but i would never ask him to give up any more than i would, and 50/50 would work for us.

But courts are sadly weirdly naive about the reality of trying to coparent with someone abusive.
I had evidence of abuse. Plenty. Yet dad's right to see the children was more compelling than their rights to feel safe.

One more time as this simply keeps coming up.

I am the part time worker. I - like my own mother - would be the 'primary parent' with a partner out every monday-friday 0700-1900.

As such, I do feel it would make more sense for me to be the parent with majority custody in the event of a split.

I believe the best is probably every other Friday/Saturday/Sunday night, plus one midweek evening, that would be flexible. Or some of the set ups mentioned on here, whereby the other parent has majority of school holidays for longer chunks of time etc.

If I was in a situation whereby this was only possible with myself being the EOW, extra holidays parent, then on balance I would do it. Not because I would love it, but because I couldn't put a child through the set up I had.

But again, I really feel the important factor here isn't what I would want as a mother, or what works best for parents for 'fairness'. I just can't help but think one home for a child is a better set up. Obviously biased from my experience.

It's been interesting to hear from other adults who grew up the same as me, as I mostly have friends with parents still together, or who had dad's that they visited.

I haven’t read the articles. The point I want to pick up on is the “courts act in kids’ best interests not parents”
Do you really think this?

It sounds as if one or both of your parents were selfish not the arrangement. There should be stuff for the children at both houses so there is no need to pack every time.

both of these sources seem to be comparing generic shared care without specifying whether this is 50-50, or some other arrangement, with loan parenting where presumably the child has completely lost contact with the other parent. This is not the point of the thread though, we are talking about the specifics of 50-50 versus another model for example every other weekend. Also, if you Google search, how does 50-50 parenting harm children, you will find studies which state the contrary, I really don’t think this matter has been resolved by research regardless of anyone cherry picking studies.
Furthermore, you are deeply misinformed about the family court, their practice is very often not child focused and actually caused huge harm to families. if you struggle to believe there’s have a look at the Ministry of Justice 2020 harm report.

Angela Raynor has her children in a house and she and their dad take turns to live there. The kids are never disrupted.

Expensive as both need other accommodation - 3 homes not 2, but fairer on the children.

If you read all my comments though you will see it's not really sustainable to have two of all those things. At least not in the 90s/early 00s.

I can see from this thread that some of this must be easier these days, and I don't think kids have as much physical school work as we used to - I know homework etc can be done online now.

My understanding is that she has a disabled child with vision issues, so this is the best way to maintain a specially adapted home for them.

It's very easy to say that though isn't it. I think your childhood sounds painful and I'm sorry for that. I do think it's very easy to say id do what's best for my child when that also hypothetically happens to be what is best for you. If you say you would do EOW if needed then that's fine but when it came to it that would be a very difficult decision to make.

I think we all try our best. What you've done in posting this is stir up the arguments that always come up when it comes to shared care, blended families etc. People have very strong opinions and others are made to feel like shit when they're just trying to get on.

Lets hope you never split from your husband and have to find out the harsh realities of being a parent in that situation.

That is completely outrageous. I don’t agree with 50/50 as I don’t think it’s in the child’s best interests. Naturally though lots of defensiveness from posters on here who have that arrangement. I do also think a father shouldn’t get 50/50 if he was nowhere near equal parenting when the parents were together.

Quite a few friends had to fight off 50/50 from dads that never ever did a school drop off or parents evening - mainly I think to avoid CM and with the plan that the kids were dumped on the nearest available female relative. If parents were pretty much equal before then there’s much more of a moral argument to maintain the status quo.

I don’t have any skin in the game - so this is only coming from observations of friends and their DC.