To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

If there are two sets of children and you are on the second/subsequent separation, inevitably it is going to be a nightmare!

I think it is very tough on the children. I doubt many adults would want to do it themselves.

And If they were widowed and had a great first marriage?

Don't know what you've just read because your reading comprehension doesn't seem great given you seem to be answering a completely different question to the one the OP actually asked....

Your answer would have been relevant if OP's AIBU had been "To say 50/50 shared custody was selfish and horrible for me."

But it wasn't. She said it was horrible for her (fair enough) so unilaterally decided it is "selfish and horrible" for all children.

As she clearly doesn't know ALL the children, past, present and future, in similar circumstances I don't really understand how anyone with more than one working braincell could argue she is being anything other than unreasonable.

Not unreasonable. I wonder if the people who think you are unreasonable have experienced anything similar themselves as children?

My parents were divorced and we stayed with my mum as the primary carer. We had other issues that made this arrangement expedient and I’m sure there are ways of making 2-2-3 work for a family. I also think that not all children would have a problem with it; everyone’s different. Nevertheless, I don’t think most people would find it ideal, particularly the children who have to live with it.

I think both adults need their own space. That is why they are divorcing after all. I am surprised more people don’t prioritize finding homes extremely close together. If children could easily walk between the homes within a few minutes, their lives would feel much less segmented and regimented.

YABU.

Massively so.

This won't be a popular opinion, but when my parents split, I was 5, and it was the mid-70s. Overnighting wasn't a thing in those days, thank god, and my brother and I continued to live with Mum, and we did stuff with Dad (although we never slept at his house) over the weekend.

As I grew up, I was always delighted we got to stay with Mum, who was a SAHM, we still maintained a good relationship with Dad (who was the generation who probably couldn't have coped with EOW, or anything beyond that, even with the best intentions).

Was this good for our parents? Mum said she never wanted to be apart from us, and Dad enjoyed taking us out at the weekend. So yes, it probably was.

I will now fasten on my tin hat and hide behind the settee.

@5050hell

Well, I think 2/2/3 is insane. No child should be having to up sticks every 48 hours.

That being said I think 50/50 in one week or longer stretches can work very well IF the parents are cooperative and if they don't live too far from each other. That way things can be adjusted if need be and items wanted/forgotten can be easily dropped off or gotten from the other home. I think a good arrangement would be one week off/on with a midweek afternoon or evening with the 'off' parent. And I do think it important that the child have at least some duplicate items at both homes. Maybe not expensive things like laptops or game systems, but at least some 'favourite' outfits, toys, needed toiletries, and school uniforms, game kit and school supplies.

But I think any arrangement will be hell if the parent(s) are determined to be adversarial or penny-pinching.

I'm sorry things were so shit for you. Have you considered counseling to work through the 'baggage' you're carrying?

It didn’t work for you, and I can see why, but if you seperated wit your partner, would you allow him to be the main carer, because you don’t agree with equal parenting time? Women that disagree with 50/50 assume they will then be the main parent, and won’t consider being the ‘lesser’ parent, why should their dad automatically be this? We have a decent coparenting relationship, with flexibility. Do I like him, no. Do I work with him for their best ineterested, yes. I don’t see any (mum) on here who cries I couldn’t possibly do 50/50, then also accept that they could be the 20% parent.

I beg your pardon?

So you agree - it is selfish and serves the parents in priority to the child? Because the parent doesn’t want to give up time with their child regardless of what the child wants?

Also who are these people that just have the money to buy a nice little flat on top of the family home without selling it?

I probably agree that it is absolutely optimal for children but in the real world what is absolutely optimal isn't always realistic. Same for not breast feeding, using childcare while working and whatever else people can think of to make parents feel bad.

Tbh in most situations if the parents can communicate properly then everybody just has to make the best of it.

It's not as though all kids in 2 parent homes are in perfect situations either. We all just do our best.

Yanbu and evidence strongly supports what you are saying. Children do best with a single stable home and good, consistent contact with the other parent - not necessarily (and in fact ideally not) over night stays.

This thread shows though that people do what's best for the parents and not the kind DS - comments like "would you be happy only seeing your kids twice a week" - no I wouldn't, but if my kids are happier and more stable then that's what I would need to do.

My friend had this - her mum and dad lived next door but one to each other and she would dip in and out of each of them at will after about the age of 9 or 10. Parents were in regular contact about where she would be for tea or for bedtime, but she basically chose herself and it probably worked out at about 50:50.

I don’t think it’s strange to have this conversation with your partner at all. I wish more people could have honest, mature conversations like that.

When I had a child, one of my early conversations with my partner was about step-parenting arrangements if we ever split up, and sharing my own horrible experiences of that.

Much better to speak about it from a place of love and compassion than later down the line, when you’ve split up and think the other person is being controlling or territorial if they share concerns about the other partner embarking upon a new relationship.

A guy at work who isn't even a friend did this and he is constantly asking his female colleagues at work to help out. We have all agreed to say no because it's outrageous.

I agree, always needs to be looked at what is the best solution for the child, not for the parents.

Well, for your mum to be a SAHM post divorce meant she was either wealthy or your dad paid extremely generous maintenance. It's just not possible nowadays.

For a woman to work full time, do ALL bedtimes and night wakings, and morning, homework, everything, for the dad to swan in and take them for fun activities on the only 2 days of the week when she's free as well...that would be fucking horrendous for the mother.

If your ex is violent like mine was shared custody does not work, there is no "civilised". agreement because they make sure that they make your life hell.

Am I right in thinking that overnighting elsewhere only became necessary/popular when CMS used this as a metric to calculate maintenance?

I've no idea what the finances were, but as I said, Mum was a SAHM, she wasn't trying to juggle any sort of job with childcare.

I agree with you OP.

Yes it’s hard for the parent who doesn’t get to see their child 50/% of the time, but it has to be about what is best for the child(ren).

No one wants to change their bed / home multiple times a week. Most adults wouldn’t enjoy it so why on earth should we expect our kids to suck it up for adults benefit.

Yabu, it was your family set up that was the issue not shared custody. Cooperation between coparents, flexibility, allowing teens especially so pass between houses at will etc makes a difference. Why should one parent have to have less days then?

You think that’s bad I swapped over every day!

i was undiagnosed autistic /adhd which didn’t help but it really screwed me up. Managed ok until high school and homework became a thing and then wheels totally fell off.

I don’t know what the solution would have been though.