AIBU to wonder if DH’s parenting style could be harmful to toddler?

[TheBerry]

I really need some advice about parenting styles and whether I’m right to be a bit concerned or whether I’m being over-sensitive / worrying too much.

DD is 3yo. She’s honestly a sweet girl, surprisingly easy to reason with for her age, rarely tantrums, thoughtful. Obviously, like all toddlers, she has her moments and can cry if she doesn’t get her way, can be possessive over toys, but overall I think she is lovely.

I’m not consciously following any school of parenting but I suppose I lean towards “gentle” parenting - I definitely think boundaries are needed, I definitely think the word “no” is needed, but ultimately I think children should be treated gently, with kindness, and that getting angry or shouting is unhelpful. I’m not perfect and there are definitely times I’ve got frustrated with DD but tbh it’s normally easy to be patient and kind to her because she’s a lovely child.

DH adores her and vice versa. He is comforting, plays with her, lots of hugs, listens to her, protects her… but sometimes, especially when he’s stressed, I think he is a bit overly harsh and expects her to have the cognitive ability of an adult.

Here are some examples:

DD throws food on floor. DH says harshly / kind of shouts, “No! Why did you do that? You don’t throw food!” DD cries a lot, DH ignores her for a minute or so, then hugs her.

DD keeps wanting her fairy costume on and off. DH makes her promise that if she takes it off she won’t want it back on again. She promises. But then she does want it back on again. DH chastises her for breaking promise. She looks very ashamed and says “can I say sorry?” I feel so bad for her and say “darling it’s fine, you don’t need to say sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong” and DH then hugs her and says it’s ok. I probably undermined DH there, which I know isn’t good, but I just reacted without thinking. I think that clearly 3yos can’t fully comprehend the concept of promises and shouldn’t be scolded for being a normal toddler.

DH is trimming her hair. He’s getting stressed. DD was excited to start with but is getting more upset as DH gets more stressed. He keeps telling her to stop moving. She’s not even 3 here. She gets hair in her mouth and is very upset. My immediate response is to comfort her, but he just seems annoyed.

How damaging, if at all, do you think these kind of incidences are??? Given that generally DD is hugely loved, supported, and safe. I can generally be a bit anxious and I think I’m extra sensitive because I was a little emotionally damaged by my dad in childhood. I am so worried about DD being scarred by this, but ultimately I don’t know how much DH can change - I think this is just kinda how he is. DD quite often says to him worriedly “daddy, are you happy?” and maybe I’m projecting but I feel like I know exactly how she feels, that sense of responsibility for her parent’s happiness. She shouldn’t need to worry about that or feel that way.

YABU - nearly all parents get annoyed and frustrated with their children sometimes, and it won’t negatively affect DD’s emotional development as long as DH is generally loving towards her.

YANBU - even against the backdrop of a loving environment these kind of incidences will hurt DD’s development and you need to talk to DH about it to try to fix it.

I would say the more damaging thing is having 2 parents who parent very differently, that is going to be confusing for her as there are no universal expectations for her. I think you both need to get on the same page or at least closer

Thank you, that’s useful to hear. I think generally we are aligned, but it’s when one of these incidents occurs where she does something “naughty” or is being slightly annoying where we deviate. What you’ve said makes sense. I agree. I need to speak to DH. I have done before, but a larger discussion is needed. I’m just worried we’re never going to agree, though. I already know that I’m not going to come round to his way of dealing with it.

a firm no when throwing food is entirely justified for a 3yo.

Cutting hair is at least a two man job, and if she was sitting on your lap, being firmly held, I can see why he was getting stressed. May be try a hairdresser next time.

Again, if she was constantly taking the dress on and off, it does no harm to say that this is the last time and stick to it.

The incident with the dressing up costume is fine. It will do her no harm to know that no means no. He didn't shout at her and he did explain the consequences before hand. This is "natural consequences" and is a really good way to teach kids how the world works, a bit like letting them refuse a coat but taking one with you and letting them learn that sometimes they get cold and need a coat.

Again with the hair cut. She could get hurt if she can't keep still during a haircut
Maybe 3 is a bit young but if so maybe take her to a hairdresser. Why weren't you helping by distracting her with a book or a TV show?

Also the food thing is fine. She shouldn't be throwing food at 3. I would have taken the food away as a natural consequence.

Obviously kids will have tantrums at 3 but all you need to do is make sure they are somewhere safe and ignore them till they stop and then give them a hug and pretend it didn't happen and carry on. And make sure you talk at other times about big feelings and different types of feelings and demonstrate them to your child
Parents are allowed to be grumpy and happy and sad and cross. It is healthy for kids to see that and makes feeling less scary for them.

Saying no to throwing food is pretty reasonable.

what would you had done?

with the dress, comes down to patience. I’d have got fed up putting it in and taking it off. If she can do it herself I wouldn’t care.

agree that being on the same page is helpful but I don’t think you are too far apart.

He sounds like he needs to develop a little patience which a lot of parents have to build or re learn when it comes to children. Have a gentle chat with him about this however the throwing the food on the floor, sometimes kids need a firm telling off. Negative reactions are required to bad behaviour because it teaches them that it’s unacceptable to do that.

Parenting isn’t easy especially because a lot of us were raised by grumpy, shouty parents. We are unlearning a lot of habits from our parents generation and adopting new ones. We are trying to be aware of children’s mental well being too which there wasn’t much of in previous generations.

Ask your husband what memories does he want his daughter to have of him, the core and key ones? Take it from there.

I think he sounds like a normal, human parent who will occasionally get frustrated. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking it out on her, rather collecting himself in a moment of annoyance or irritation before comforting her. He probably was irritated at being undermined about the costume (although I agree with you about extracting promises from small children!) but these incidences sound minor. He can always talk to her about expectations or a reaction of his afterwards if necessary. Her asking “are you happy” – does she get asked that by you or him? I’m not sure at 2 or 3 how much awareness she really has of other people’s feelings and wonder if you’re projecting a bit here. She could just be repeating a question she’s been asked. What does he say when she asks him that? If he’s reassuring or honest in an age-appropriate way it sounds harmless.

Absolutely this.

DH and I don’t always agree. But we always back the other up and don’t undermine each other in front of the children.

Talk to your DH.

ETA Most 3yo are beyond food throwing, that’s absolutely behaviour that needs correcting.

Overall I don’t think he’s bad in anyway just lacks some patience which can absolutely be worked on.

None of it is damaging!

I wouldn’t have spoken harshly. I’d have said firmly, “no, don’t throw food. It stays on the plate.” I wouldn’t have asked her why she did it, because I don’t think toddlers have rational reasons for throwing food. I might have told her that if she kept throwing food mealtime was over and I’d take her food away.

With the dress thing, it is more that she was made to feel ashamed and that she did something wrong. I don’t think she did. I don’t think she understands what a promise is. I wouldn’t have kept taking it on and off either, but I wouldn’t have made her feel bad about it.

However, I am hugely relieved to hear so far that the consensus is that none of this is damaging to DD and that I am probably over reacting. I think I need to make sure that DH are on the same team in front of DD and then discuss with him afterwards if there is something I disagree with.

The only thing I read there that's likely to be damaging, was you undermining your husband.

Your parenting is different, but that doesn't make it better than his.

I think he needs to learn to be in control of his big emotions. None of these events needed shouting and then make up hugging. why is he so labile?

I don't think that you can police DH's every word/ phrasing. He is a parent to your DD in his own right and is allowed to have autonomy on how he carries out that role.

Nothing you have said sounds bad to me, it's just not precisely what you personally would have say/ dealt with it.

I also think that trying to constantly critique his parenting will wear thin quite quickly.

Im actually quite surprised at so many responses defending the anger. Getting angry at children isn't ideal but at the same time I do accept that parents are human and it does happen a bit. It sounds like this is related to stress. Sometimes when my husband gets like this I ask if he wants to go and take a break for himself (without judgment) because I can see he's reached his limit and his patience is wearing thin. Im not perfect either and just try and take a break when I feel stressed but not always possible.

I can understand the worries over anger, I had a very angry father and I do believe it had a negative impact on me but anger was almost his personality rather than a fleeting emotion that comes and goes sometimes so probably much worse than this situation.

Nothing here is "damaging" to your child.

I also don't think you always have to agree with your husband on your parenting styles. People are different, parents are different, her friends will be different, her teachers will be different... That's the reality of the world she is living in.

You and your husband don't seem to be polar opposites when it comes to parenting. As long as you agree on the broad lines/boundaries and don't let those differences create resentment or confusion, it's fine to react differently and have your own personalities.

The OP hasn't mentioned the word 'anger' once as far as I can see.

Don't worry too much OP. I think you and your DH both sound like loving parents doing your best. Kids do understand that parents behave differently. Nothing here sounds concerning to me at all.

Sounds like youre a "gentle parent" 😂

I would say him making it clear that throwing food is unaccapetable is a better method than your proposal to take her food away tbh.

Parenting isn’t about being a perfect role model 100% of the time. In fact it’s good for kids to see emotions ( within reason) and that includes anger and upset. Toddlers ARE annoying. They dont mean to be ,but their behaviours will grate on a fully grown, reasonable adult. So at times there’ll be a clash. This isn’t damaging, its natural.

I don't think these are damaging. Saying no to throwing food is fine. Telling her if she takes the dress off again it's not going on again is fine. The "broke your promise" is a bit intense but the principle is pretty standard. Getting annoyed during haircut not ideal - but we all get annoyed sometimes so that depends if he's generally being irritable or not.

I do think that the more articulate and well behaved little girls are, the more expectations are heaped upon them.

I agree with others that most of those examples don’t seem particularly bad but I wonder if a little boy had done some of those minor things if they would have been brushed of as rambunctious or letting off energy without the need for much telling off.

Its not the worst thing i the world but I personally think these sorts of things do tend to lead to low self esteem.

Sounds like he is doing a good job here and there is nothing to worry about.