AIBU to wonder if DH’s parenting style could be harmful to toddler?

[TheBerry]

I really need some advice about parenting styles and whether I’m right to be a bit concerned or whether I’m being over-sensitive / worrying too much.

DD is 3yo. She’s honestly a sweet girl, surprisingly easy to reason with for her age, rarely tantrums, thoughtful. Obviously, like all toddlers, she has her moments and can cry if she doesn’t get her way, can be possessive over toys, but overall I think she is lovely.

I’m not consciously following any school of parenting but I suppose I lean towards “gentle” parenting - I definitely think boundaries are needed, I definitely think the word “no” is needed, but ultimately I think children should be treated gently, with kindness, and that getting angry or shouting is unhelpful. I’m not perfect and there are definitely times I’ve got frustrated with DD but tbh it’s normally easy to be patient and kind to her because she’s a lovely child.

DH adores her and vice versa. He is comforting, plays with her, lots of hugs, listens to her, protects her… but sometimes, especially when he’s stressed, I think he is a bit overly harsh and expects her to have the cognitive ability of an adult.

Here are some examples:

DD throws food on floor. DH says harshly / kind of shouts, “No! Why did you do that? You don’t throw food!” DD cries a lot, DH ignores her for a minute or so, then hugs her.

DD keeps wanting her fairy costume on and off. DH makes her promise that if she takes it off she won’t want it back on again. She promises. But then she does want it back on again. DH chastises her for breaking promise. She looks very ashamed and says “can I say sorry?” I feel so bad for her and say “darling it’s fine, you don’t need to say sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong” and DH then hugs her and says it’s ok. I probably undermined DH there, which I know isn’t good, but I just reacted without thinking. I think that clearly 3yos can’t fully comprehend the concept of promises and shouldn’t be scolded for being a normal toddler.

DH is trimming her hair. He’s getting stressed. DD was excited to start with but is getting more upset as DH gets more stressed. He keeps telling her to stop moving. She’s not even 3 here. She gets hair in her mouth and is very upset. My immediate response is to comfort her, but he just seems annoyed.

How damaging, if at all, do you think these kind of incidences are??? Given that generally DD is hugely loved, supported, and safe. I can generally be a bit anxious and I think I’m extra sensitive because I was a little emotionally damaged by my dad in childhood. I am so worried about DD being scarred by this, but ultimately I don’t know how much DH can change - I think this is just kinda how he is. DD quite often says to him worriedly “daddy, are you happy?” and maybe I’m projecting but I feel like I know exactly how she feels, that sense of responsibility for her parent’s happiness. She shouldn’t need to worry about that or feel that way.

YABU - nearly all parents get annoyed and frustrated with their children sometimes, and it won’t negatively affect DD’s emotional development as long as DH is generally loving towards her.

YANBU - even against the backdrop of a loving environment these kind of incidences will hurt DD’s development and you need to talk to DH about it to try to fix it.

I have a 3.5yr old, and a firm no when throwing food is fine. She’s 3 - my children are far from perfect but I would not tolerate my 3 year old throwing food. I’ve done a firm “no” to throwing food since they were first given food at 6 months! (Obviously I was in no way cross with a 6 month old doing it, but they were told no) I don’t agree with him ignoring her though.

With my 3 year old I often say “ok but this is the last time” if it’s some repetitive thing we’ve been playing for ages. I don’t make her “promise” because I’d agree she doesn’t really know what that means but I do get her to agree and then I follow through “no, we agreed that was the last time. What else shall we do”.

Cutting hair - he’s got scissors near her head, she needs to sit still. Getting annoyed with her won’t help, but I can see why it happened.

None of it sounds damaging to me. He is setting boundaries in his own way, but it is OK.

Chastising her for throwing food on the floor is perfectly reasonable, and necessary.

With regard to the fairy dress, I am with him there. would personally be telling her that if she took it off again or wanted it taken off again then it would stay off until it suited ME to help put it back on again. I don't see that as damaging. I see it as letting DD know that there are limits.

Cutting her hair means she must stay still as there is a risk of injury from the scissors. So fine to be strict with her there. You do have to be able to manage the cutting fairly quickly with a child that age though, as they usually have the attention span of a gnat and that's when it breaks down.

The sentiment isn't wrong (although he shouldn't ask a 3yo to promise anything) but I would try not to shout over it.

He needs to work on his shoutiness IMO

It sounds like he could do with learning a bit about age related expectations, and that you could both do with chilling out a bit. As others have said, you’re not too far apart. Just let him do his thing, even if it’s not exactly what you would have done. None of it sounds that bad, if not ideal. I’m sure he’ll pick up on what you’re doing if it’s working well.

In the nicest possible way OP it does sound a bit like you want him to say everything perfectly in the same way that you would (no judgement here, I was a bit the same).

We had a second after a large gap and I’m much more relaxed about it all, and we give each other grace if either of us are getting a bit snappy/stressed.

I think a 3 year old can absolutely stop throwing food and asking for the same thing on repeat after being told to stop. So while it’s never great to get frustrated (though it’s inevitable of course), these are important lines to hold. So I think you need to work out where your lines are and how you intend to discipline as she gets older.

I disagree with most PPs, it seems. I voted YANBU.

I think his style of parenting is quite unkind and harsh. I'm a strict parent and it's fine to have clear boundaries but the fact that he is making DD feel bad or ashamed is the problem for me.

I'm like you OP, I grew up with low self-esteem, terrified of making mistakes, and always feeling 'wrong'. So I guess, I have a sensitivity to this situation, like you do.

The principle of what DH is trying to do is fine - explain that throwing food isn't allowed, set boundaries around the dress going on / off and so on - but it can be done with kindness and patience. It's fine for him to say 'you'll need to wait until <specify time or situation> when I can help you put back on your dress', it's not ok for him to make her feel bad so she starts saying 'can I say sorry?',

Also, I completely disagree with the PPs who say you have to back each other up. Of course, disagreeing regularly with each other is confusing for DC, but it's absolutely fine to offer a different perspective and to back up a DC if it is needed. There are ways to do that that are respectful of the other parent and non-confrontational or blaming. I remember so clearly my parents being in agreement with each other, regardless of any situation, even when I could see my DF didn't agree and feeling so let down and quite vulnerable. It's ok to see that adults have different opinions and even better, if they let (age-appropriately) DC give their point of view too.

Well she literally did use the word anger in the third paragraph when reflecting on parenting styles. And I would say that words also used like frustrated, annoyed, chastise, shouting create connotations of anger but let's just agree to have different interpretations?

3 year olds don’t feel remorse so the “Can I say sorry” comment is heartbreaking as it sounds like she’s learned to say it to placate daddy.

Yanbu about promises. I would have phrased it as “This is the last time I will help” because it’s not good for her to spend the day getting in and out of an outfit.

3 is way too old to throw food so reasonable to be strict. If she’s finished with her food then she needs to use her words and if she wants help getting food off her fingers then she needs to use her words rather than flick it off her. Throwing food is a behaviour I’d expect from an under 2.

but ultimately I think children should be treated gently, with kindness, and that getting angry or shouting is unhelpful.

She was talking about how she feels about parenting.

She hasn't said her husband gets angry and from everything else she's said after that, it doesn't look as though he does get angry.

DGS is 22mths old. He gets a very frim “No, we don’t throw food” and has done since he started sitting in a high chair at 6 months old. Since he started standing he’s not been allowed to stand or jump on the sofa, he knows very well that chairs and sofas are for bottoms and the floor is for feet.

DS2 and DDIL are trying to stop him put his toys in his mouth atm. The other day we were on FaceTime and he put his Stickle Bricks in his mouth, some of the smaller ones (he wouldn’t choke but they don’t want to encourage things going in his mouth) so DS2 asked him not to. He did it again, so DS2 said “X, if you put that in your mouth, the bricks will go on the shelf and you won’t have them.” 2 minutes later he went to do it again, looking directly at DS2 so DS2 said “X, think about your choices. Don’t forget the bricks will go away “ and he immediately stopped.

DGS is a bright little button. His speech is amazing and he’s completely out of nappies. He is being brought up so he can be taken anywhere, just like his parents were. A lot of toddlers understand more than they get given credit for.

I actually think having a blend of parenting styles can be quite helpful as long as you are broadly supportive of each other and roughly on same page re what you think is acceptable or not . Men are often a bit less patient but also often support more risk taking in play. Toddlers do need boundaries and to know when they’re doing something totally wrong. Sometimes a sharp telling off does get through to them when distraction doesn’t work.

You’ll also find as your little girl grows kids have an uncanny knack of not listening and pushing buttons at different points of their development so deciding how you approach that now will stand you in good stead. Both of mine had phases around 6/7 where they really pushed boundaries at home. Google reassures me this is developmentally normal. My6yo is currently going through a challenging phase where she’ll ignore us and knows full well she is doing it (unlike a 3 year old). She’s a delight at school and is self aware enough to tell me she saves her sass for me.

I do a lot more raised voices and telling off with my 2 & 4 year old and they seem to be happy and confident kids.

I’m not in anyway pretending that I’m a perfect parent but your DD does seem a little anxious and I wonder if you are trying too hard to shield her from any negative emotions or your DH is shaming her rather than just a straight forward telling off.

I could have written your post myself @TheBerry I spent a lot of time trying to solve the 'problem' by wanting DH to parent in exactly the same way as me and I made things harder for all of us by doing so. I was aware it was me that was getting triggered, but was so confused and conflicted about the 'right' thing to do and we were giving DD mixed messages. It came to a head with DH (what he struggled with in the dynamic) around the time I started having some EMDR (so dedicated trauma therapy) and I have really noticed since how shifts in perspective for me about my stuff seem to have shifted things between DH & DD (and both of them to me) without me needing to do anything.

Maybe the word anger is too strong? But I think my OP implies strong frustration / annoyance. Some might call that anger.

I think that some commenters are interpreting my OP differently from how I intended (apologies if I wasn’t very clear). I absolutely do NOT disagree with boundaries, the word no, etc. and I definitely think that throwing food should be nipped in the bud (this is not a common occurrence btw), that infinite cycles of taking a fairy costume on and off do not need to be accommodated, but it’s the manner in which these messages are delivered that I had my concerns about. I would want to do it in a calm, patient way without making DD feel guilty or bad.

I am reassured that most posters think DH’s parenting style is normal and won’t cause any problems long term. I think I am an outlier in that I genuinely don’t find toddlers annoying most of the time, but I appreciate that humans are not robots and everyone expresses frustration sometimes. Also I take on board the very valid point of finding the balance between not undermining DH and ensuring that DD is treated fairly. For what it’s worth DH has never implied that I have undermined him, but it did cross my mind the other day that I was during the fairy costume incident.

Totally agree. Damaging a child isn’t limited to shouting (which I think your OH is fine btw) it can also not be teaching them right for wrong, knowing consequences to actions, undermining another parent, helicopter parenting, not setting boundaries etc.

OP your parenting in my opinion is more concerning for what you are teaching your daughter in future.

Totally agree. Or a three year old knows that her reaction will solicit a helicopter moment from mum. The child does seem on the anxious side from these examples.

I'm very slightly concerned that you're trying too hard to prevent your dd from experiencing any negative feelings. Thats not helpful for her development. She needs to experience the negative emotions in order to become comfortable with them and therefore resilient.
We cant and shouldn't shield them from any bad feelings or consequences of their behavior. They need exposure to our negative emotions too- obviously in an age appropriate way. Thats life. That's how they learn. Thats how humans are social.
Just my perspective.

Absolutely agree with this. I also think it's useful for toddlers to learn what behaviours are annoying - like asking someone to take a dress on and off again. Though I agree asking her to promise was a bit silly.

While I don't think children should be berated, especially for age appropriate behaviours, I also don't think all behaviours need to be met with absolute calm. Learning that your actions impact other people, including emotionally, is a life skill. Of course, children - especially girls - shouldn't feel they need to manage other people's emotions, but learning that mum and dad get annoyed when I throw food, or ask for something when they've said stop, or keep moving when they've been told to keep still for their own safety seems ok to me.

Also, OP - take your daughter to a hairdresser for haircuts. Sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money. It sounds like its really not worth the stress of doing that at home.

I think it’s fine OP, though I also think he will get more pleasure and less stress from parenting if he can have more realistic expectations and patience, so it might be worth chatting about it from that pov.

I also think it’s fine to disagree, even in front of the children. As long as you have broadly similar standards, you can disagree on how those should be imposed.

Obviously you should avoid directly contradicting your DH (for example, he says the kid can’t have ice cream but you give it anyway). Sometimes though if I think my DP is getting too worked up about something I’ll say, ‘DP, I’d let this one go/ I think you’re too stressed about this/ Would you like me to do it?’ I only interfere in this way because I know broadly that he doesn’t mind!

Your 3 year old child should not be throwing food. They would not put up with that at nursery and it is right that your DH is firm about that at home.
Arsing about when he has scissors near her head is dangerous. It would be way more damaging to her to be hurt with them than to hear a firm voice.
The fairy dress thing is bloody annoying. It's on or it's off but you get ONE choice.

I agree with the poster who said your DH needs to develop patience with her.

I will also add that I agree with you that in the examples you give, your DH is not responding in the ideal way. But remember he doesn’t have to be perfect, he only needs to be good enough.

I'd remember that you are seeing these things through the lens of having had a father who emotionally damaged you: having children of your own if you've had a difficult childhood can be triggering. As well as talking to your DH, maybe seek some therapy for yourself?

Slightly concerned that all of the posters are missing the biggest red flag Which is a 3-year-old often asking "daddy are you happy?" And sounding worried.

A child should never be responsible for the happiness of their parent. And a toddler worriedly being vigilant to their parents mood is a sign something needs to change

What is making her ask this? - is he often stressed, angry or down? or frequently putting you down? or isolating himself?

It's less likely to be about specific incidents around setting boundaries and more likely to be an overall tone in the house.

I parent my toddler in a similar way to you OP and from the descriptions you’ve given, my husband is like your DH. It’s something I’m working on but I’m realising more and more that my style is not better and I’m not always right and sometimes can lean too much into permission where firmness might be better. I started off by just learning not to undermine him even if I disagree (and then discuss “offline”) but I’m now realising that I also have things to learn from him too. We both have our strengths and weaknesses and it’s pretty great to be a team.