AIBU to wonder if DH’s parenting style could be harmful to toddler?

[TheBerry]

I really need some advice about parenting styles and whether I’m right to be a bit concerned or whether I’m being over-sensitive / worrying too much.

DD is 3yo. She’s honestly a sweet girl, surprisingly easy to reason with for her age, rarely tantrums, thoughtful. Obviously, like all toddlers, she has her moments and can cry if she doesn’t get her way, can be possessive over toys, but overall I think she is lovely.

I’m not consciously following any school of parenting but I suppose I lean towards “gentle” parenting - I definitely think boundaries are needed, I definitely think the word “no” is needed, but ultimately I think children should be treated gently, with kindness, and that getting angry or shouting is unhelpful. I’m not perfect and there are definitely times I’ve got frustrated with DD but tbh it’s normally easy to be patient and kind to her because she’s a lovely child.

DH adores her and vice versa. He is comforting, plays with her, lots of hugs, listens to her, protects her… but sometimes, especially when he’s stressed, I think he is a bit overly harsh and expects her to have the cognitive ability of an adult.

Here are some examples:

DD throws food on floor. DH says harshly / kind of shouts, “No! Why did you do that? You don’t throw food!” DD cries a lot, DH ignores her for a minute or so, then hugs her.

DD keeps wanting her fairy costume on and off. DH makes her promise that if she takes it off she won’t want it back on again. She promises. But then she does want it back on again. DH chastises her for breaking promise. She looks very ashamed and says “can I say sorry?” I feel so bad for her and say “darling it’s fine, you don’t need to say sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong” and DH then hugs her and says it’s ok. I probably undermined DH there, which I know isn’t good, but I just reacted without thinking. I think that clearly 3yos can’t fully comprehend the concept of promises and shouldn’t be scolded for being a normal toddler.

DH is trimming her hair. He’s getting stressed. DD was excited to start with but is getting more upset as DH gets more stressed. He keeps telling her to stop moving. She’s not even 3 here. She gets hair in her mouth and is very upset. My immediate response is to comfort her, but he just seems annoyed.

How damaging, if at all, do you think these kind of incidences are??? Given that generally DD is hugely loved, supported, and safe. I can generally be a bit anxious and I think I’m extra sensitive because I was a little emotionally damaged by my dad in childhood. I am so worried about DD being scarred by this, but ultimately I don’t know how much DH can change - I think this is just kinda how he is. DD quite often says to him worriedly “daddy, are you happy?” and maybe I’m projecting but I feel like I know exactly how she feels, that sense of responsibility for her parent’s happiness. She shouldn’t need to worry about that or feel that way.

YABU - nearly all parents get annoyed and frustrated with their children sometimes, and it won’t negatively affect DD’s emotional development as long as DH is generally loving towards her.

YANBU - even against the backdrop of a loving environment these kind of incidences will hurt DD’s development and you need to talk to DH about it to try to fix it.

I think I have more of a problem with your reaction to your husband. He sounds a little frustrated and would be better to be calmer but you don’t sound like you are implementing boundaries. 3 year olds are older enough not to throw food and he’s right to be cross. Likewise, the dress on and off. Maybe asking her to promise is a bit much but I would have told her it was the last time and stuck to it even if there was upset. Likewise the haircut, she needed to keep still to avoid an accident and o would probably also have got cross.

Trouble is, kids are inherently irritating and infuriating so it’s hard to be patient all of the time! I have to go and scream into a pillow sometimes I feel so frustrated. I’d love to say I’ve never shouted at them but I have loads of times.

A friend of mine had some trouble with her son misbehaving at school. The therapist recommended they deliberately show him their anger and irritation when he did something wrong so he knew it was serious. They were gentle parents and reluctantly tried it. It didn’t take long for his behaviour to shift!

No idea if that is the right approach but it really worked for them!

Also, I don’t think any of the examples you’ve given are acceptable in a 3 year old. I have one that age and if she wanted the dress on/off I’d expect her to do it herself and not have engaged with it at all. Throwing food is an absolute no in our house and would result in a visit to the naughty corner. On the haircut, I’ve had the same experience- it is v frustrating!

I understand why you might worry, given your background, OP, but I think the "right" approach is probably somewhere between the two of you.

If he did sort of shout that was probably a bit OTT, but to be honest age 3 isn't all that little when it comes to throwing food: I'd have come down quite hard on that too.

As I say, I understand why you worry and veer towards gentleness, but actually the other side of that is children do feel secure with firm boundaries and knowing the adults are in charge. Making her feel that you disagree with his approach, and even making her wonder where your boundaries are as opposed to his, is probably just as distressing for her as a cross reprimand.

But the other thing to note is we don't all get it right all the time as parents. These are small blunders and worrying about being perfect will undermine your instincts.

Your DH seems to Yo-Yo from angrily shouting to suddenly hugging.

Then there is a swing back and forth between the two of you.

So though nothing seems terrible, I should think DD might become a bit anxious and nervous.

Incidentally,
I would take DD to a children’s hairdresser where she sits in a car watching a video while a patient person who knows what they are doing trims her hair.

Guilt tripping is a choice and it’s manipulative.

But how can you not agree with getting irritated or angry?

Is your DD you first/only child? Because even lovely well-behaved children can be annoying and make you stressed and angry. And I’m not specifically talking about your child here, but that is parenthood. That is life. How you deal with those feeling and respond after is what counts.

100% true.
Saying 'are you happy daddy?' Is something to be a bit concerned about as you have mentioned.

It's about the overall impression not every single interaction being perfect. What you describe isn't harmful if it's happening say 10% or less of the time. If it was every interaction with her all the time from him then that might be different.

The trap I would say don't fall into is if you feel he is too harsh, don't try to overcompensate in the other direction by being softer or adding more leeway. And keep communicating because you don't want him to do the opposite - have a general impression of you being too soft so tries to overcompensate by being harsher. This can lead to really unbalanced confusing parenting.

Have conversations about interactions at a separate time, not in front of her. It can be difficult to do this without coming across as critical - you could try something like "I've noticed it helps her sit still when I ..... - just in case it's helpful next hair cutting time" or something like that. Or "Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable when you tell her off because I worry she is a bit scared" in the hope of opening a discussion.

I have to say though that if you generally trust that he has her best interests at heart and you know he wouldn't hurt her there is something for giving some space and observing. DH is more direct in this way than me sometimes and it used to make me cringe/worry, but actually DC respond well to a combination of our approaches. Sometimes I get it wrong too and am too soft or I'm the one who is irritated/annoyed - often because I'm trying to be more tolerant than I actually feel. This is going to sound a bit wanky but the more I give him space to do his thing and am confident in my own approach I notice he does copy bits of what I'm doing as well and tries them out.

We all learn as we go and none of us are perfect. It is definitely common IME for dads to tend to be a bit more direct or critical or outdated, whereas mums have more often read loads and are trying to apply more modern theory, some of which might be helpful, some of which might be bonkers. But also you're both individuals and will have your own strengths and weaknesses. DH is more patient than me at certain things and better at using humour to diffuse a situation.

but sometimes, especially when he’s stressed, I think he is a bit overly harsh and expects her to have the cognitive ability of an adult.

This really resonated with me. I think you need to stick up for your child if you’re uncomfortable about how they are being spoken to. I wouldn’t want criticism to become my child’s inner monologue. If I sense tensions rising I tell my DH to “de-escalate”, or we do a “change of face” and I take over managing DC.

But I agree with others, also important you are both on the same page.

Op your dh sounds like any other parent. I see no issues with any of your issues!

We (almost) all lose patience and shout or scold harshly on occasion - there's no harm in that, imo. But the fact that she worries he isn't happy and concerns herself with his emotional state seems to indicate a potential issue.

I also think that scolding or shaming her to the point that she's distraught, ignoring her, and then hugging her, could be creating an association between negative feelings and love. It's a bit whiplash-like - first she feels bad, then she gets affection. After all, you wouldn't train a dog by scolding it until it was distressed and panicky, ignore it, and then give it lots of pats and treats a moment later; it would only create an anxious, overly eager-to-please dog.

If it's an infrequent occurrence (once every few months) then no big deal, but if it's weekly then that's something that should be looked at working on, I think.

It seems like he has started try to converse and reason with her and expects her to understand small concepts. Which she is.

3 isn’t a baby anymore and it’s ok to start encourage emotional resilience when you know they’re not in danger or pain with small tantrum tears.

it’s ok to gently chastise a 3 year old.

you guys should maybe agree and approach that is in the middle of both of your styles that’s isn’t permissive and takes into account how to act when feeling short tempered. remember that both of you are doing this for the first time.

He sounds normal, doesn’t sound like he shouts often and is very loving with her.

She shouldn’t be throwing food at three (I’d say within his rights), I’d definitely not cut a three year olds hair as that just sounds like grounds for stress (but that’s a choice you make but I fully understand why that would be beyond stressful!) & the fairy costume is fine, doesn’t sound like he was shouting he was just setting a boundary as he was fed up of it. She’s capable of understanding but three year olds lack impulse control but it’s still okay to say no after a while for sanity especially if it’s been indulged for a while.

Just sounds like you’re in slightly different pages, but both loving parents.

I think your DP could work on his patience and you could work on your anxiety. It's a tricky combo for a child to navigate.

I’m so sorry you had such a rough time with your dad, OP. What I will say is that, having had a similar experience, it can make you heightened to all instances of annoyance/irritation (particularly from men, if it was your dad).

My dad was similar to yours. I can remember practically every instance of him being angry/irritated in a ‘normal’ way as well as remembering the really out-there abusive stuff. But I think that’s because I knew dad being angry could be dangerous, so as soon as he raised his voice, I was on high alert, absolutely strung out emotionally, wondering what would come next.

Whereas, my mum was just a normal ‘strict’ parent typical of the parents of my peers, very loving, but who would absolutely show irritation and frustration when I was naughty. I can’t really recall specific instances, and those that I can remember, don’t ‘haunt’ me in the same way that the incidents with my dad did- even if the incidents themselves were pretty similar in terms of the level of irritation shown. That, I guess, is because I didn’t see her getting angry as dangerous, because she wasn’t abusive and was a loving parent.

I had exactly the same experience of early parenting as you are having now- DH parenting pretty similarly to how your DH does, me getting triggered by it. However, I was reading the situation in terms of ‘how would this feel for me as a child’ (forgetting that I was a traumatised child) instead of ‘how does this feel for DS, an untraumatised child with a loving, secure attachment to both parents.’

In the end, I had to get on board with DH’s style because DS’s behaviour was so bad by the age of three that it was clear he needed a firmer approach. Because I used a calm voice all the time, I don’t think that DS ‘heard’ the message when I set boundaries, because I was saying the words (‘we don’t throw food’ etc) but I wasn’t giving him the social cues that would show him that I am cross, he really needs to stop right now, as I was delivering it in such a calm tone. To be honest, I think that when very small children are super focused on getting something they want (fairy dress back on when she knows that dad already said no, for example) or pushing boundaries (dropping food, for example) they’re less receptive than usual to the actual words you’re saying, and tone becomes more important for them to get the message.

Your DD sounds much better behaved than mine at the same age, so it could be that the gentle parenting she gets from you suits her needs well. However, it will stand her in good stead to learn what behaviours are annoying and the (non-abusive) ways that other people are likely to react to them if she does them at school etc. It seems much better IMO if she learns that when she’s annoying, people get irritated, from a loving parent in her home than from a teacher on the first day at school/ a friend who shouts and tells her to go away, for example. You say you don’t find her irritating, but I think a few of the behaviours you describe (NOT your DD as a person) like asking for the dress on/off again when she’s already been told ‘no’ would probably annoy a typical adult/peer, and it’s only fair that she learns this now in a familiar environment with someone she knows and trusts than be bewildered by encountering a strong ‘irritated’ reaction when she’s at school.

I’m also not sure that I see the red flags PPs see, although none of us can really know without witnessing the interaction.

I wouldn’t ignore my DS if he was crying, but I don’t think that ignoring for a minute (as OP describes) is going to be harmful. I have, however, taken a minute to take some deep breaths when I’m feeling particularly wound up. This may have been what the DH was doing- I’ve definitely thought ‘I’m going to be quiet and think about how I want to respond to this for a minute’ when I’m really irritated.

I think whether ‘are you happy daddy’ is a red flag depends on whether it’s something she does a lot. At face value, it could be a kid’s way of saying ‘are you ok?’ It’s quite a normal social interaction for someone to look a bit down/tired, and another family member to ask if they’re alright. However, I WOULD say something if it was the case that DH was constantly looking stressed/miserable and it was causing an unpleasant, tense atmosphere as that affects the whole family. Basically, I think someone having an off few hours occasionally where it’s clear they aren’t feeling themselves, is normal and human. But so frequently that it feels like a ‘dark cloud’-type atmosphere a lot of the time is a problem.

Really insightful post...

Being a parent has really made me see my own childhood through different eyes.

Wishy-washy "let's not do that dear" is a hell of a lot more damaging than a firm "no". Especially for things like throwing food that really should have been nipped in the bud by 18 months.

(Ex teacher. Major reason for leaving was being fed up of awful behaviour and parents pathetic responses more concerned about negativity than actually teaching their child right and wrong).

I agree with this op. I did read that children who have dads who are depressed when they are babies and toddlers show adverse signs of that later in life. On the other hand, if it is only occasionally, it is a sign that she is learning other people have feelings and moods and human reactions to things - which they do.

But on the whole I try to remember that we live in an imperfect world, and part of parenting is to help our children survive reality, not live in a pristine bubble where every circumstance is ideal, like some kind of rare orchid in a temperature-controlled hothouse.

You do sound as though you are doing your best - which is about all we can do. You mustn't expect utter perfection.

People on here are nuts. Yes it is damaging to assume she has a cognitive ability beyond her years and make her feel ashamed. He doesn't have enough patience, yet he's an adult, what's his excuse? It's not undermining to make your child feel better when you instinctively know she's been made to feel like shit when she's only 3. That kind of attitude is how many Mothers let their kids get treated like shit by their Father and their kids wonder how they let it happen. He needs to read about child development.

How much patience do you recommend for a 3 year old chucking food on the floor?

From the examples here, there is no evidence that that is the case.

OP’s examples amount to “Dad tells child off for annoying behaviour and then makes up with child”.

Yes, he could have handled some of these better in hindsight. But if this is really the worst of his parenting then doing fine.

Mothers allowing children to be abused by stepparents is a vastly different and more serious issue, how could you ever conflate them? That is nuts.