AIBU to wonder if DH’s parenting style could be harmful to toddler?

[TheBerry]

I really need some advice about parenting styles and whether I’m right to be a bit concerned or whether I’m being over-sensitive / worrying too much.

DD is 3yo. She’s honestly a sweet girl, surprisingly easy to reason with for her age, rarely tantrums, thoughtful. Obviously, like all toddlers, she has her moments and can cry if she doesn’t get her way, can be possessive over toys, but overall I think she is lovely.

I’m not consciously following any school of parenting but I suppose I lean towards “gentle” parenting - I definitely think boundaries are needed, I definitely think the word “no” is needed, but ultimately I think children should be treated gently, with kindness, and that getting angry or shouting is unhelpful. I’m not perfect and there are definitely times I’ve got frustrated with DD but tbh it’s normally easy to be patient and kind to her because she’s a lovely child.

DH adores her and vice versa. He is comforting, plays with her, lots of hugs, listens to her, protects her… but sometimes, especially when he’s stressed, I think he is a bit overly harsh and expects her to have the cognitive ability of an adult.

Here are some examples:

DD throws food on floor. DH says harshly / kind of shouts, “No! Why did you do that? You don’t throw food!” DD cries a lot, DH ignores her for a minute or so, then hugs her.

DD keeps wanting her fairy costume on and off. DH makes her promise that if she takes it off she won’t want it back on again. She promises. But then she does want it back on again. DH chastises her for breaking promise. She looks very ashamed and says “can I say sorry?” I feel so bad for her and say “darling it’s fine, you don’t need to say sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong” and DH then hugs her and says it’s ok. I probably undermined DH there, which I know isn’t good, but I just reacted without thinking. I think that clearly 3yos can’t fully comprehend the concept of promises and shouldn’t be scolded for being a normal toddler.

DH is trimming her hair. He’s getting stressed. DD was excited to start with but is getting more upset as DH gets more stressed. He keeps telling her to stop moving. She’s not even 3 here. She gets hair in her mouth and is very upset. My immediate response is to comfort her, but he just seems annoyed.

How damaging, if at all, do you think these kind of incidences are??? Given that generally DD is hugely loved, supported, and safe. I can generally be a bit anxious and I think I’m extra sensitive because I was a little emotionally damaged by my dad in childhood. I am so worried about DD being scarred by this, but ultimately I don’t know how much DH can change - I think this is just kinda how he is. DD quite often says to him worriedly “daddy, are you happy?” and maybe I’m projecting but I feel like I know exactly how she feels, that sense of responsibility for her parent’s happiness. She shouldn’t need to worry about that or feel that way.

YABU - nearly all parents get annoyed and frustrated with their children sometimes, and it won’t negatively affect DD’s emotional development as long as DH is generally loving towards her.

YANBU - even against the backdrop of a loving environment these kind of incidences will hurt DD’s development and you need to talk to DH about it to try to fix it.

I mean yes, slightly. They said they wouldn't do something then they did it anyway. Its not socially acceptable behavior for an adult. The slight discomfort of the guilt is how we learn to avoid it next time.
Obviously theres levels of acceptable and unacceptable. I would absolutely allow slight irritation to show and would firmly say 'No! Please do not do that. You're making a mess and I hate cleaning up.' Ad infinitum for 12 years til they get it.
But basically, I believe authenticity and honesty to my feelings is good for my kids. I am not sunny and breezy all the time. I dont expect sunny and breezy all the time from my kids. I expect my children to learn to recognize feelings in others and in themselves, and learn what those feelings are telling us about the social situations we find ourselves in.
Also I think even young kids are sophisticated enough decoders of feelings to start to figure out mum and dad react differently to things, and start to adjust behavior accordingly. Again, that's the real world. Toddlers are absolutely smart enough.
All this within a framework of a loving, non abusive household obviously - which it sounds like yours is. Not perfect but good enough- is actually better than perfect.

Honestly this was my worry. I have been reassured by the responses that it probably isn’t as bad as I feared. Do you think this is damaging to emotional development? Or par for the course?

Maybe you’re right. I hope so.

You sound really wishy washy as a parent. I agree with the poster earlier who said you sound ineffectual and seem to think that a 3 year old is ok throwing food. At what point do you want her to learn that she shouldn’t do that? When she’s in school ? Teachers aren’t there to parent your child.

Personally.... my feelings are its not perfect but not the end of the world.
My dh does the same sometimes (i dont like it either)

Ideally you'd have a calm but vaguely ego massage type conversation with your dh where you say spmething like
"god knows its annoying when she does X but at the end of the day is a broken cup more important than DD?
I agree we need to be firm. Can we agree we do that by saying X? I'll do the same so we are united on it. But losing your temper/ ignoring her because you are annoyed isnt ideal. She can seem older as shes articulate but shes only 3... and that behaviour sends her the wrong message. You and i are pretty much her world so it really effects her when we are disregulated.
I dont think you want a child that is approval seeking with low esteem, neither do i but when we lose our cool thats what we risk doing.

intersperse lots of you are such a great dad blah blag ego stroke

You get the idea.

I prefer to "get what i want" vs be right and find my dh is way more receptive when i am super calm, critisice myself a bit in the process and most importantly compliment his parenting a lot in general. (I talk about how much our kids love him which they do!!!)

I’m not sure you’ve read my updates clarifying this point.

I don't think it is par for the course, no. It's really unkind behaviour and I really don't like how you describe your DH parenting your little girl. I'm really taken aback that so many posters think it's ok.

Thank you. I will try this (I kind of have tried this tack but I’m not the best at these kind of planned chats and I get a bit nervous). I have no problem criticising myself either. Whatever works.

Nonsense, you have neither read OP's initial post or several update posts where she makes very clear she wouldn't allow throwing food, but she would correct it firmly and calmly, not by shouting and then ignoring a small child.

OP sounds like a really lovely, sensitive mum.

A three year old is perfectly able to understand not to throw food and to sit still when her hair is being cut. I think you’re being very unreasonable.

Some people are louder than others. His boundary setting will come in handy when she's a teenager.

Ok. I think maybe it is the most common type of parenting. Perhaps that is why. I am reassured that most people don’t think it will cause undue harm. And I assume that if most people parent like this it must be broadly ok as most children grow up to be fairly stable and content adults (don’t they???). However, I am certainly going to discuss it with DH and use some of the methods suggested by other commenters.

Sorry but sometimes children need to hear the 'telling off' version of your voice otherwise the message doesnt sink in.
Everyone has it dont they, the stern voice. For a child this young its the tone of voice conveying the message more than the words.
Tbhbyou sound like you're being a tiny bit weak and ineffectual, he isnt shouting at her just saying something stern, and if she is throwing food on the floor despite you claiming shes a 'thoughtful' 3 year old with good understanding, then yes she probably needs to hear the stern voice occasionally.

You're probably not good at them because they're unnatural, patronising, and tend to get people's backs up. If you talk to him about this just be honest and natural about your fears and be open to what he says.

I do think there is a difference between stern and irritated. I don’t have a problem with stern.

They probably work if you have the gift of the gab and are good at acting! I am not. Might try something similar though.

Your child needs to see you irritated in order to learn not to be irritating.

Honestly, just wait til you've got a sassy 7 year old or a totally defiant 14 year old. You will be irritated. You will be furious. Your child deserves exposure to this in order to build empathy, resilience and social skills. And you will literally explode if you try and damp it down all the time. It's not fair to you or your husband either. You have a relationship with your child. They need to see your genuine emotions.

I don’t find her irritating 🤷🏻‍♀️

But your husband does, occasionally. When she's doing something objectively irritating like chucking food about. It irritates him. He communicates that by tone, body language and words. She has a negative feeling about that, and adjusts her behavior accordingly. Thus she learns emotions, consequences, what Daddy likes and what he doesn't, and she also learns that despite Daddy being annoyed with her, she still knows she's loved and safe with him. Thats how we learn resilience to negative feelings. Going through them and coming out ok.

Plus you'll find her irritating soon enough for some reason or another. Or youre an absolute angel 😇

But feeling irritated is a natural human feeling. Its ok for children to be exposed to a full spectrum of emotions so that they know its normal?

Stuff like this is why some children are ending up totally unable to cope with some of lifes more uncomfortable feelings, people are trying to shield their children from absolutely everything that isnt 100% happy and positive. Its not real life.

In real life yes, people sometimes feel annoyed and irritated.

If anything I think your parenting style is more likely to damage your child. I can't be doing with all this gentle parenting nonsense. It's a great way to raise anxious emotionally disregulated children who can't function in the real world. Your husband sounds fine. And it's wonderful that your child never irritates you or tests your patience but one day they will, I promise, unless you're a saint.

There are people though who are more irritable than others. And there are people who have unrealistic expectations of children and are therefore constantly irritated. So it’s important to have a happy medium. It’s no use pretending never to be irritated with your child, but equally if everything they do annoys you (and you show it) that can lead to them walking on eggshells. There is a range of ‘normal’ but either extreme is not good.

I am team DH here to be honest. Nothing he did or said sounds any different to anything I would have done or said.

Food shouldn't be thrown on the floor, and there is only so many times I would have helped DS in and out of a costume. Nothing wrong with no meaning no.

All you seem to be teaching her is that if she says sorry, she can carry on doing it!

She's also going to go to nursery and school at some point and encounter adults who tell her off and get irritable and raise their voices.

None of that is ideal however I don't think it will be damaging if she is comforted when upset. No parents are perfect, but what makes a good parent is being willing to learn/grow alongside their partner as a team, and being to repair with the child so to say sorry for shouting or getting cross. Is your DH able to do these things? I'd definitely be talking to him about it. I always bring up behaviours where I think DH could have approached it differently, not in a critical way but in a 'we are both learning together and I noticed this today and I wonder if we could approach it differently' kind of way