Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

I agree. If she was skint, I wouldn’t even have written this post. I understand not everyone can afford a big party and not everyone is comfortable sharing their finances with other parents at the school gates, but this is not the case with my friend.

A classic case of shooting the messenger I think! The message is loud and clear from everyone's responses, but you've actually voiced it to her face and she doesn't like it. I imagine she'll calm down, take a breath and realise you're not wrong or being unkind, it's just the consequences of her own tight arsed actions. I guess you thought, because you're close friends, she wouldn't take offense but she obviously has. I've friends who do this a bit (not splitting bills fairly, generally tight) and I've never raised it - maybe I'm not as brave as you but I would be worried they'd be upset, even though they must know they're doing it! Not that you've done wrong, but I guess it's touched a nerve. Her poor kids don't deserve it but equally, I'd not personally pay for my kids to go to a soft play and also buy a gift and buy my kids snacks at the soft play just for a casual school friend. So you're 100% right on the reasoning.
If she's a really good friend and you can be bothered, I'd say something like "sorry if I upset you, I was simply thinking why people might not be attending and that was the first thought to be honest" - not that you need to apologise but if you want to draw a line under it. Equally, you'd be in your rights just letting her strop and waiting for her to apologise and make up as you've only stated some facts!

She’s a CF and a half - I’ve never heard of such brazen cheek!!
She should be paying entry at least. I took the DC to enough soft play parties and it was always the package - we also paid for party packages/entertainers etc over the years. Never would be asked people to pay!!

How strange ! Does she expect presents ?

I’d find it hard to be friends with this person.

I have friends who push these boundaries but nothing like the “dancing over the line and taking the buffet home in tupperware” extent your friend does.

If she’s cheeky enough to behave this way, she has a nerve to act affronted when others don’t play.

Wow this is shocking! Sounds like a scene from Motherland! 😂😂😂

You’re not being a bitch. But these things are in the delivery. If you’re calling out something very deep-rooted and maybe (?) something deep down that person is sensitive about, I guess the best thing to do is raise it sensitively and thoughtfully as constructive advice. I STILL don’t think you were being bitchy. But certainly friends of mine making comments in passing about things I know deep down I have done wrong or are not my best features (I’m flaky, vain and drink too much wine) REALLY hurts my feelings where if they discussed them properly I wouldn’t be as sad.

You’re nicer than me OP.
She wouldn’t be a good friend of mine.
I can’t stand tightarses.
Yuck. 🤮

Absolutely. No one expects a huge great party, but just do something simple you can afford. To order a professional cake and not allow anyone but family eat it is just selfish in my opinion, especially when expecting people to pay for their kids to come and look at it. A slice of cake to say thanks isn’t too much to ask in my opinion. The problem is she wants her children to have parties like the rest of their friends, but doesn’t want to pay for it. I know for a fact if someone charged her to attend a party she wouldn’t go and I would be hearing about it 😂

This happened to me but friend didnt tell me it was not paid for. Travelled to another city, got there and was told we're paying for ourselves. £15 + extra £5 for adult. No food or drinks, cake, or even thanks for coming. She just took off.
I would have been ok with it if I had known, but she made out like it was a planned party.

It’s a bit too late for me to do that know as I’ve already told her the reason why people aren’t coming. I might save that one for next year though!

What did she say when you said why people aren’t going? I think to be honest you were doing her a favour by being honest. Poor child, I would do the same as you and go along as it’s a bit sad if no one turns up for them.

I haven’t named her. I wanted to ask opinions on whether me telling her the reason why people aren’t attending the party was out of line, as judging by her reaction it seemed to be. Clearly the majority of people on here agree with me. You can be friends with someone and still get annoyed with them from time to time. No ones knows who my friend is, so I feel this is much better way of venting my frustration than going around the school gates bitching.

Yes this is what’s happened this year. No one else dares to say anything so I did. This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. I stopped trick or treating with her this year as I got so embarrassed by her behaviour. I’m not a huge fan of trick or treating anyway (never did it as a child), but my DC asked if we could go because all his friends were, so we’ve done it for the last 2 years. She had her youngest in the pram who was under 1 at the time with a bucket and she literally filled this babies bucket up with sweets. The child wasn’t even old enough to eat solids at that point, barely old enough to hold the bucket. I said to her what was she doing and she said she would give the sweets to her older kids to share, even though they were out trick or treating with us as getting their own bucket full. It’s like if she sees something free, she can’t not take it. Just from writing this now, part of me is wondering if she has some kind of disorder because I don’t think it’s normal behaviour.

I got as far as

plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them

Whaaat?!

^^

That's entirely reasonable. I hate people who take advantage when they think the bill is being split and have the most expensive thing on the menu!

I’ve never actually thought about it this way before, but now you’ve said it, you are actually right. I don’t really do anything with her that involves money now because of that reason. I did used to bring it up but I got so bored of it and also a bit embarrassed for her that we just don’t really go out for dinner anymore.

Yeah she’s fucked around and found out!

You don’t take all your can from others generosity and then expect them to pay for your own child’s party too. No one will have any good will for someone who behaves like that.

Shes probably been thinking how clever she is/ how stupid everyone else is too.

Wow. She's a CF, for sure.

People who drag their other kids to parties are the WORST.

And she doesn't by her kids Xmas presents?!!

WTF?!!

I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

She sounds hideous.

I bet your reaction has now struck a nerve!

Sort of almost feel sorry for her being so compulsively tight, to the point of stealing.

Don’t actually but almost do.

It’s a sad way to live.

They always get what they want, because she asks everyone else to buy it for them. A month or so before birthdays she will get family asking her what her kids wants and she will message out and say child is really into xyz and then to friends she will say ‘I’ve had family ask me for present ideas and this is what I’ve told them, child would also like xyz, just so you don’t get the same. Or for Christmas someone will bring up the subject about presents and she will send what she wants. I don’t do it with her anymore because whenever I sent over what my DC would like she always replied with ‘ive already got them sorted’ and it would always be something regifted and inappropriate for DC’s age.

I love buying presents for my children. I like taking all the credit for it as well when I get something they love. I never give the good ideas away 😂

I agree with you, it's much better to vent here than at the school gates. Not like any of us know who you're talking about!
Obviously she's a CF from all the other things you've said, but in terms of the party, it depends how she's framed it. Has she sent invites and made out it is a party party, or is it framed more as an optional playdate that just happens to be around her child's birthday? We've done both and regardless, I would have paid entry and normally paid for food/drinks as well, but I don't expect the same when being invited to similar things with my children's friends.
And good luck to her when her kid's get older - I've just paid around £200 for DS's birthday "party", which was having 2 friends over for a sleepover and then taking them out for food and a few activities the next day! I miss the days of soft play!