Paying to attend a kids party?

[Candystripes85]

My friend fell out with me over the weekend because I said to her that the reason there aren’t many children coming to her DC’s “party” is most likely because she’s expecting people to pay for their kids to attend.

She’s throwing her DC a “party” at a soft play centre and has sent a link for everybody to book their own child on. I put it in inverted commas because she hasn’t hired the party room, there is no food, no cake. It’s just turn up and hope you find a seat, so not really a party at all, more of a play date. After sending the link on the party group, 2 other parents dropped out with excuses saying they forgot they had something else planned. This is what prompted my conversation with her as she was annoyed. She is now left with 1 school friend attending and the rest (not many) are her friend’s children who are coming mainly out of obligation. Even her DC’s cousins aren’t going.

I’ve personally thrown parties at soft plays before and they are complete rip-off so I’m not judging her for not paying for the party package, but I said to her at the very least she could’ve paid for the entry into the soft play for the kids she’s invited. After all, it is still considerably cheaper than what they charge for the parties and also cheaper than if she hired a hall with a bouncy castle etc. This isn’t the first time this has happened, her DC is 7 so it’s been going on along time now. Every year she has a professional birthday cake made, but only family are allowed to eat it so that won’t be coming, no other food will be there, no party bags or thank you’s for the kids who do attend and presents are still expected for the birthday child (there is no mention of not bringing one on the invite and it would be awkward for someone to ask, plus I know she doesn’t buy her kids any presents for Christmas and birthdays as friends and family will buy them). Am I the only one who can understand why people aren’t coming?

For context she has multiple children and she will quite happily attend everyone else’s birthday parties dragging the younger siblings along, allowing them to join in with the all activities and eat the food/cake without paying a single penny towards anything. She’s pretty shameless and will even take home a ‘doggy bag’ if there is a buffet, anything she can get for free she takes. However in return she’s not willing to do the same, which I feel is likely the reason she’s had so many declines. If she wasn’t a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t that close to her DC I would have declined myself, because I think it’s really quite rude. Im taking my child because I feel sorry for her DC, it’s not their fault they have tight parents and I want to make sure they have some other kids there to celebrate with them.

I will just add that this has nothing to do with financial hardship. The friend in question is a very good friend of mine so I know her and her husband very well, and she is in general unfortunately just a bit of a cheapskate (not frugal, there’s a difference). Her whole family are that way so it’s just the way she’s been bought up. I can look past it because I value our friendship more, but I can understand why people she doesn’t know that well would feel put out by it. I don’t think she understands how other people may perceive her when she will happily take (sometimes a lot) from other people but won’t reciprocate.

Anyway, I seem to have really upset her with what I said so wanted to get some opinions on whether I was unreasonable for saying it?

I’d find it really hard to be friends with someone like that.

i know several parents who haven’t been able to afford big parties for their kids so basically they didn’t have one or did something very small with a very small group of people. That’s all fine. My kids have been invited to dozens of parties and not once have parents been expected to pay. These days we do stuff more like cinema/bowling and the kids are welcome to pay for extras but we still pay for the main event and also food

I think it would be kind to explain to her exactly why people aren’t coming though as you say if her kids have been invited to parties (the usual kind where the parents pay!) it’s baffling that she hasn’t worked it out

poor kids.

Yeah when we’ve been strapped we’ve done park and games and home made yummy food and home made party bags. You can be generous in other ways than financial.

wow! why is she a friend?

YANBU You have actually done her a huge favour, she needs to know the truth
This is not how life works sponging and effectively stealing
Also her behaviour is absoutely horrible
You absolutely CANNOT charge to attend a party
It's sad for her kids but absolutely not your problem
I absolutely loved organising my childrens very OTT Birthday parties
I remember one little boy telling me it was the best day of his life
I was so lovely but so sad as he was one of those kids that never got party invites
I also used to tell parents not to worry about presents and that just an after school playdate would be fine to take any pressure off
If they were desperate to bring a gift I said absolutely no more than £5
TBH I dont think I would attend but Good Luck with it all
People can be utter CF's I once caught a mum 'friend' stealing a tin of baked beans out of my kitchen!
It was absolutely bonkers

Depending on how brazen you want to be could you pop something in the group chat to make her realise it's not the norm? Hey Michelle, just wondered with this link to the party is this to book and pay for extra siblings? I assume as it's a party the invited kids go in with you?
If she then replies saying no you need to pay, then maybe just say sorry you thought it was a party and not a playdate.

Oh Christ that is cringeworthy. I feel so bad for her dc. As you’ve said, that isn’t a party it’s a gathering at a public place. Not to provide food yet attend other people’s parties with a doggy bag is mind blowing.

The friend in question is a very good friend of mine

and this is how you treat a very good friend?

Starting a very detailed thread with multiple follow up posts bitching about your friend and inviting others to do the same?

So for 7 years she has done it
so it must have been ok in previous years for her to have continued

Maybe she will get a bit of a wake up call I don't think she has any right to be upset you have just said the obvious. People don't like CFs and she's a massive one!

I’ve had to point out home truths to a CF before now because other friends were too afraid to upset her. She also loved getting a bargain at someone else’s expense but didn’t really understand why other people were quietly ditching her friendship and she honestly thought they were in the wrong. 😱

Some people are so thick skinned they really do live in their own cheeky fucker bubble.

I no longer see her but I know she hasn’t changed and still thinks everyone should be grateful that she wants to be friends with them!!! 😂😂

What a CF
Her previous behaviour has caught up with her quite rightly
Poor kids

I'm with the 98%

I presume your friend must be on here for 2% to have voted YABU.

If people go it would just be enabling her.
If you hadn't told her, it would be even sadder for her dc to turn up and have no-one else there.
You've been friends long enough that you should be able to point things out to each other when she is clearly not reading the social etiquette mistakes she is making.

She is actually stealing here. From you and other friends directly, and the waiting staff indirectly. That’s not being a tight arse that’s being a thief.

There’s no way I’d let her away with that, I would call it every time, and I wouldn’t be keen on her as a friend either. She sounds vile, you might want to think about your boundaries, and why you accept this behaviour from her.

Blimey. She's a cheeky one.

Not sure what benefit confronting her would do. 7 years in she's pretty entrenched in her CF ways.

Poor kids!

She doesn't buy her kids presents... thats sad. That's one of the genuinely fun things of being a parent, picking out things you know they'll love and seeing their happiness at it.

It’s just so hard when kids are involved. I’ve read everyone’s comments and quite a few say to decline. I just have this image in my head of me not turning up with DC and her DC having no one there for their birthday. Only 1 school friend is currently attending, but I can see the soft play session she has said to book through the online booking session and only 4 spaces have been booked so far - that would be my DC, and her 3 kids. As it stands I’m the only one that’s actually committed, so it would not surprise me if in a couple of weeks people start getting ‘ill’ and don’t attend.

I wouldn’t really want to show her as I would have to delete my account as she’d know my name. But it’s an option if she wont make up with me before hand.

She wouldn’t be able to get away with a soft play party next year I don’t think. I would say 8 would be a bit too old but I don’t have a 8 year old so not 100% sure. I am interested to see what happens next year though as if she doesn’t do soft play I’m not sure where she could really go for a semi reasonable cost if she expects people to stump up for their children to attend. If she went bowling or climbing that could easily be £20 per child. £10 soft play is bad enough but £20 I wouldn’t even be willing to pay.

We have friends like this. It’s always the wealthier ones in the friendship group!

Can’t you bring your kid (if you don’t have any other plans) but not bring a present?

Literally just said this in my last reply to someone. Next year when her DC is 8, I don’t think she’ll get away with soft play so I have no idea what she will think is acceptable to do and charge people for. Like you said her poor DC won’t get invited anywhere and in return won’t have anyone come to their parties either. It’s a sad situation all round.

I’ve only paid to attend a soft play party when I’ve taken a sibling of the invited child for a play. I obviously bought food and drink for the sibling.

When my kids were secondary, they paid to attend parties that weren’t sleepovers. This as agreed as a group so no issues there. For example everybody pays for themselves to go to cinema then Nandos and they bring a gift for the birthday boy/girl. For sleepovers, host bought drinks, snacks and food for everyone but in practice the invitees brought some snacks too.

But oddly enough she’s been doing it for the past 7 years with multiple children

I’m not sure what I’m asking either really. I just wanted to know if other people thought I was being a bitch for telling her why I think people aren’t coming, as she was very upset by me saying that to her. Her reaction made me think, I was the one that was out of line.

oh gosh! Yes this is exactly what she is like. Like I said in my op, every year pays for a professional cake to be made, but only family can eat it, everyone else can just look 👀. Makes me laugh every year.

Awful. As awful as 'wedding lists' registered at big shops. As crazy as a bar at a wedding for which guests have to pay. Crazy, rude and grasping. If you can't afford to pay for a wedding/birthday party, don't expect others to pay for it. Actually, same as inviting people on stag dos and hen dos in foreign jurisdictions and expecting people to pay for tickets, hotels, etc. Awful.

In the past 7 years that she’s been doing this for multiple children…. Presumably they’ve been well attended for her to have carried on, and on, and on