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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop doing homework with stepdaughter?

177 replies

EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:01

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

OP posts:
ShenandoahRiver · 17/11/2025 11:04

If you only have her every other weekend I wouldn't bother with the homework. What's the point?

Spanglemum02 · 17/11/2025 11:06

I think you can say you're doing this as a favour and if she doesn't want to or won't behave then you're not going to force her.

I don't think primary school homework should be mandatory (it's not where i live in thr UK) BUT she'll struggle at secondary school where homework will be expected.

Wjat will be the consequences of failing SATS ?

I don't think this is up to you OP.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 17/11/2025 11:07

EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:01

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

If her patent don't care, why would you... just leave her to it i say.

Dacatspjs · 17/11/2025 11:07

Id take on responsibility for academic support, but her father can take on the battle for getting the work done. So if she doesn't want to do it, that's dad's problem, if she's stuck with a concept that she can ask you

Original poster
EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:10

ShenandoahRiver · 17/11/2025 11:04

If you only have her every other weekend I wouldn't bother with the homework. What's the point?

That’s what I’m coming to feel… I feel really quite sad about it as my own daughters were very academic and on track for great careers and I would have loved that for my stepdaughter too. She’s a bright girl but doesn’t bother at school and doesn’t value learning at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:12

Spanglemum02 · 17/11/2025 11:06

I think you can say you're doing this as a favour and if she doesn't want to or won't behave then you're not going to force her.

I don't think primary school homework should be mandatory (it's not where i live in thr UK) BUT she'll struggle at secondary school where homework will be expected.

Wjat will be the consequences of failing SATS ?

I don't think this is up to you OP.

The consequence would be falling further behind and entering secondary school further below expectations, and being streamed into low ability sets which are likely to have more behaviour problems and less progress.

She’s easily influenced by her peers.

OP posts:
EchoedSilence · 17/11/2025 11:12

The school should be helping her meet expectations.I doubt not doing homework has any impact at all in Primary school.

EchoedSilence · 17/11/2025 11:13

Stop comparing her to your own DDs.

Original poster
EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:17

EchoedSilence · 17/11/2025 11:13

Stop comparing her to your own DDs.

I’d like her to have the same opportunities and options as them, and to fulfil her potential. She’s capable but doesn’t want to focus.

My own youngest daughter was similar at primary school but obviously I had much more time with her to instil good habits and do everyday learning.

OP posts:
Original poster
EllaVader · 17/11/2025 11:20

EchoedSilence · 17/11/2025 11:12

The school should be helping her meet expectations.I doubt not doing homework has any impact at all in Primary school.

The school has a good reputation, is in a privileged area and has anice average results. It recommends daily reading, a maths app and two weekly homework sheets. Stepdaughter only does homework with us so of course she’s not getting the same help as her peers.

OP posts:
ShenandoahRiver · 17/11/2025 11:21

Are either of her parents (father or mother) remotely interested in her education and behaviour?

Spanglemum02 · 17/11/2025 11:21

I think you've got to accept that she's different from your DDs and that's that. High School will move her if she is in the wrong sets.

It's very difficult if you know a child who you can see has potential but isn't interested. I've been there.
Like PP posters said if she wants to ask for help that's fine but it's not you job to make her do it.

You can explain that you think it's a really bad idea that she won't have a go at it but you're not going to spend your weekend getting her to do homework.

Octavia64 · 17/11/2025 11:22

Yeah I hear you.

i dragged my own kids kicking and screaming through homework and some of the battles were truly epic.

I wouldn’t do it again for any amount of money.

honestly it’s her parents’ job. Dad can sit her down and make her spend time on it as well as you can and most of the effort is on getting them to just bloody do it. Mine had homework on German which I’d never studied.

time for dad to step in (or not, as he chooses).

BeetlejuiceBeetlejuice · 17/11/2025 11:22

You don’t just stop helping a child you are bonded with because it’s no longer fun.

No decent person I know would anyway.

KoiTetra · 17/11/2025 11:23

If her mother who she spends EOW and all week with isn't pushing then you have no chance. All it will do is cause resentment when she does visit you.

NewCushions · 17/11/2025 11:24

I think you should be worrying less about homework and more about why she's clearl yunhappy and struggling. Behaviours are ppoor, struggles to focus etc suggests that there's a problem linked to emotions or ND.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/11/2025 11:24

If she's on track to "fail her SATs", that is really very behind for a girl who you say is bright.
By way of comparison, in the state school I work in there are only about 7 or 8 children in the year group of 60 who we think may struggle to reach the expected standard, and most of those do have dylexia or ADHD. Are there other issues that mean she finds school work difficult or hard to focus on?
Anyway, as a step parent, your role is difficult, and this one for her parents to deal with. You can encourage by reading with her, supplying her with decent books, taking her out and broadening her experiences generally, the cultural capital stuff.
I wouldn't worry too much about the homework, evidence suggests it doesn't make much difference to outcomes. You can give her the space and opportunity to do it, be on hand to help if she needs that, but really this is DH's job. You are talking about primary homework, it's not difficult. He needs to show her that he thinks it's important and that he wants to spend time with her. If he really feels he can't help where needed, he can at that point refer to you, but if I were the SD, I would be very resentful of a stepmother getting involved with this, although as a teacher I see that many men delegate this side of things to their new partners.

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/11/2025 11:25

Ultimately if her parents don't value academics and don't want to work with her to improve her grades, it's really up to them.

The best you can do is make it clear to her that if she ever need and want support, you're happy to help. And you can still be there as a role model to discuss school, how education benefited you and others around you, etc.

TheNightingalesStarling · 17/11/2025 11:26

Its not homework thats the issue, its attitude. If she doesn't want to learn, you can't make her.

Is switch to helping her find a goal... if she has that, she might start to work.

Tryingatleast · 17/11/2025 11:26

I think it’s nice you do it and hopefully some day she’ll see what you’ve done for her. You can stop and are justified but also you could keep going. I’m sure something must stick

Abracadabrador · 17/11/2025 11:27

Her father needs to actually parent her, four days a month is not a relationship.

Why won't he do better?

EleanorReally · 17/11/2025 11:27

i guess there are other ways of doing homework and learning op

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2025 11:27

First rule of step parenting is never ever try and fight battles the parents don’t care about. Stop bothering, you’re getting no thanks for it, from anyone. Her mum and dad are responsible for her school stuff, leave it to them.

Needmorelego · 17/11/2025 11:28

She won't "fail' her SATS because they aren't a pass/fail test.
If you are saying that to her (I hope you aren't) this can actually put her off schoolwork completely and make her not want to do it.
What does her school say?

arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2025 11:29

What is her father doing about all this?!?

why does he barely parent her, what is he doing to address her unhappiness, why doesn’t he do the homework with her?!?