To stop doing homework with stepdaughter?

[EllaVader]

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

Only doing home work every other weekend is not the reason she isn’t doing well in school. DH needs to step up and work out what is going on.

Did you live with your step dad or see him every other weekend?

The attitude of people towards step parents baffles me too. So much more expected of people unrelated to a child than their actual parents.

DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia

This is no excuse. He should be supporting her with the homework. He's perfectly capable of supervising a year 5 child's homework. Finland has an excellent school system. I live in another European country and have had to familiarize myself with a new system. Children have the same basic education until about 14 and then they can go to different schools which are more vocational, or do an apprenticeship or continue on a more academic course.

It's on him. Tell him you won't be doing it any more because it's causing too much aggro. It's his and her mother's responsibility.

And stop comparing her to your daughters.

I know it's frustrating but in your shoes I wouldn't give up on her. Her dad needs to help much more though, you need to be a team.

I agree with the posters saying your DH needs to step up here. He may have been through a different school system but is he really unable to help a 10 year old?

Talk to him. Explain what you've said here. Ask for his support and suggest a combined approach where he does the majority but you're on hand to help if necessary. This should help in two ways - you'll find it less of a burden, and your DSD may be more receptive if it's dad rather than step mum.

If he doesn't want to get involved then I don't think you should continue with this thankless task.

That is very poor from her parents and it's no wonder she's not engaging. With how you describe her and her situation, expecting her to jump into an hour of homework at the weekend isn't going to appeal to her either way anyway. She clearly won't do it and it's becoming a source of stress for her.

My daughter is also 10 and her school doesn't have a homework policy - so most teachers fall on the side of not issuing it, which is fine at this age for many children. My daughter though needs to consolidate her learning so I give her homework in line with the curriculum/her interests. It's 10 minutes, three times a week and varies between workbooks, BBC Bitesize, trips to places like museums, science centre etc, quizzes online by subject where she can research some of the answers. Sometimes just watching a video on something she's doing at school. If you can, I would persevere for her sake, but not try and make her do all of it in one go at the weekend. Do 10-15 minutes each of the days with a clearly defined end in sight, for example, and see how it goes. Let her pick which homework task she does. Let her off with it sometimes. Never spend hours trying to get it done.

I lived with him, that's true.

I don't expect more from a step-parent. I expect the same. It's not the kid's fault they've been landed in a situation where their parents can't live together, so how do you make it a least worst situation?

For me, it's having more people on your side, more people to love you, more people invested in your future, more people that have your back - to try and mitigate against all the sub-optimal lesses that come with being a kid passed from pillar to post with an overnight bag, too often between people that openly despise each other.

The step-parents that really step up and help give their step-children a sense of security and someone else on their side, invested in them.... They're legends. Especially in the face of a kid that doesn't want to be parented - which bio parents get enough of too.

Failing SATS is a school issue - but I do get where you are coming from. I worked hard to support my DC to be as good in the basics as possible as secondary was just going to be harder to catch up.

However I don't think your seeing her frequently enough to have any major impact on edcuational outcomes other than attitude towards education.

So yes I would step back - unless she asks for help - but I would explain to her Dad the impact this could have on her long term prospects.

I would perhaps still try for an improved attitude and interest in her edcuation but not actually doing the homework - so ask if it's been done stress it's important but don't sit down and do it with her or enforce it.

You can’t really “fail” SATS can you? (We’re in Wales so slightly different system). It will just mean she might get put in a lower set as secondary but they can always move her up if she starts working harder.

But I would find this difficult, I did well academically and help my DDs with their homework and would help any child really because I feel like if you reach your full potential at school life is easier.
However they would have to want the help, it’s different with your own kids but as this is your DSD there’s only so far you can go with forcing her to do homework. That needs to come from her parents.
I think if you push too hard at this stage it could make things worse in the long run because she’ll resent you, resent learning and will be less likely to ask for help in the future if she needs it

Who says that the child will not reach her full potential? Her potential may lie elsewhere - she might not be academic. Her parents clearly are not. Helping with her homework is one thing. But it sounds like there are other things going on, which ought to be addressed/considered instead of forcing the homework issue - especially when it goes against the two people who have the most influence on the child and who's opinions / views she is most likely to value /listen to. Missing a bit of homework in yr5 does not explain the ongoing issues, falling behind with work, behaviour problems etc. I say this as someone who is academic and who's son is also academic but is going through a 'cba to do his homework' phase. He's nearly 15 and I know that he's more than capable of doing the work, I know what his goals and dreams are, homework is compulsory - so I persist with pushing him to do his work. His dad is the same. If we felt differently, or if our son was not academic but someone else decided to override all of that because they were comparing him to their own child, I would tell them to step back and let me parent my own child.

Nonsense. There is no point pouring water down a by ket with a hole in the bottom.

She sees her dad 2 days out of 14 and shes expected to do 4 hours of homework in that short time?
OP, step back and let her spend time with her dad, the kid sounds as if shes struggling.

@pikkumyy77 ‘Nonsense. There is no point pouring water down a by ket with a hole in the bottom.’

I am glad I don’t see children as you do. What you’ve written is nonsense and illegible.

Not your circus, not your monkey. Just leave it alone.

You could still offer her 1hr a weekend to help, if she chooses to take you up on it, and say that's how long the homework should take so that's how long you'll help for - if she wants it.

I'd leave the ball in her court. As well as her parents, regarding her overall wellbeing.

What does she want to be doing instead of homework?

This!

It’s not your responsibility but it’s awful that her parents don’t seem to care. I would keep helping her, it’s only EOWE and surely can’t take that long.

I would tell DH that you value your good relationship with your SD and tutoring her like this is threatening that, esp in light of the fact that neither her DM or DD are helping or encouraging her. If she’s a bright girl she’ll be fine, academic results aren’t the be all and end all. I’d find things to share with her that she enjoys and is good at, crafts or nature or music. Build up her confidence in other ways if she’s finding school oppressive.

I think I'd be backing right off, you can't hope to negate any 'anti' education influence when it's being wielded by not just her peers, but her parents too.

Yes, there may be consequences in her life as a result of her not being supported to try her best academically, but I'm afraid that is on her and her parents.

Having said that, I'd be making it very clear that while I'm respecting her wish not to engage at this point, the door is always open if she re-examines her choices and wants help and support that I could give her in the future.

this.

I would suggest getting your partner to get his daughter ready to learn and you only step in once she is receptive to working. Either that or find a good book to share and read together and focus on comprehension, which will help her more probably in the long run than completing homework tasks and more enjoyable for both of you.

Your SD unfortunately comes from a broken home and that will already be having a negative effect on her performance. In addition to that, her bio mum doesn’t approve of homework…what a cop out!
Her dad isn’t able to assist and it all falls to you. However, there is no way on this earth that she will be able to catch up on homework EOWE.
What your SD may be able to do is take notes on what has been taught in class that she’s struggling to understand and you, if willing, could help with those.
There is no way a step-mother, however well intentioned will be able to put right the support she’s missing from her bio mum.
Your own daughters are academic and had you (with your knowledge) to help coach them but your SD doesn’t have that advantage.
I think what you are doing is admirable but the behaviours need to be enforced at home.

Poor child. She’s being let down by her parents, and no, that isn’t your responsibility but as an adult who has chosen to be in this child’s life by marrying her father I personally couldn’t give up on her when she clearly needs support.

At the end of the day it isn’t your responsibility, so do what you want, but I would feel pretty lousy about it.

I think you are getting yourself way too involved in disciplining her and it will damage your relationship. Homework is between the parents. If they don’t feel it’s important enough to do themselves that is their choice. It all sounds quite high pressure for a primary child honestly. Work on having a positive bond instead.

SATS are a crock, if I had my time again I would not let my daughter take them. They are used to measure the performance of the school, and the stress that they bring to children, really isn’t worth it. Telling 10 year olds they have “failed” is awful.

As for homework … I don’t think kids at Primary should have homework at all.

I think you should read your own post again and consider if these are your wants and expectations or your SC/DH wants.

By your own admittance your DH isnt academic. It sounds like your SC mother isnt very academic. Maybe its you that is putting such focus on this issue and by measuring your own DD success and happiness by their academic achievements could be a very dangerous thing to do.

You have SC very little so your influence isnt that great and for it to be spent doing 'hard labour' studying seems rather unhealthy. As unhealthy as thinking your own daughters are suddenly rays of sunshine and happiness because they did well at school or have well paid jobs.

What fun stuff does SC do with her own DF? Have they got a good relationship? Maybe concentrate on building on the fun stuff so the child has an outlet for her emotions.