To stop doing homework with stepdaughter?

[EllaVader]

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

That is not what she said at all. She said the SD is messing around and being difficult and 1 hour is taking 4. She is being very decent sending the time to help, but it appears actual Dad and Mum are not. I agree with PPs that she can invets the time But hs to get her to do it. if he doesn't, then it stops.

I’d say you don’t simply withdraw from doing homework, but instead tell her that if she wants to do her homework and would appreciate your help, you’d be happy to do it with her. But it’s up to her. Her choice.

That way, she can’t accuse you of being unsupportive, but you don’t have to be the ‘bad guy’ forcing the issue during the quite scarce time you get to spend together.

this. sorry but this.

I don't think stepping back from homework will be letting her down - one miserable session EOWE isn't worth the harm its causing to your relationship. Just make her time with you and your husband enjoyable. By all means expand her experiences and knowledge with visits etc but don't see it as sneaky homework. SATS come and and go they don't define a child. If she attends school regularly and is "bright" she will probably meet expectations anyway.

She’s 10. Homework at primary school isn’t universal and I know a lot of schools don’t want to do it. You’re talking as if she’s at secondary and refusing to study for her GCSEs.

The battle with homework is a nightmare I agree (we have it with my DD who is much younger and really her homework is reading and some spellings). It is stressful so I get that it’s something that you’re not that keen on doing if it takes a fight to do it. But she’s still too young to look at it from the perspective you are.

She needs to learn to do her homework herself. You can help her by asking if she’s got any homework to do over the weekend and agree when she’ll go it….let’s got out today, then you can do your homework while I cook tea, we’ll have a family movie after it’s done. Tell her to get on with it and ask you if she’s stuck. If she says she hasn’t got homework when she has that’s on her. She’ll be at secondary school soon and they will sort her out it’s detentions if she refuses to do it. Also stop feeling like her academic achievement is your responsibility, it isn’t.

So your SD doesn't care. And neither do her parents.

You're 50. In a stressful job. Stop beating yourself up about it and pass the responsibility back to where it belongs...with your husband and his ex wife.

You've tried. But for your own sake you need to call time on this.

The discipline behind doing the homework - focusing on a task you don't want to do, setting high standards for yourself and meeting your responsibilities - are all skills the child will need to meet their full potential, whatever they end up doing. My son is not academically gifted, and has the attention span of a gnat, so we worked on those things. And now he's doing a more vocational course at college that has a LOT of coursework, and achieving distinctions.

By 'working on those things', I meant that I helped him understand that:

• I thought the premise of homework was bullshit
• I agreed with him that the task he had been asked to do was pointless, because it almost always was
• I empathised with how boring and frustrating it is
• I made it clear we were doing it anyway, because we meet our responsibilities and we try our best at everything
• It will be more boring and frustrating if we take 4 hours to do it, when it could take 1, so let's knuckle down, eh?
• I didn't give a crap about what results he got, as long as I could see he had tried his best. Failing is part of life - I have no issue with failure - but not trying is not happening

Hi op not your problem I would just let her get on with it she’s not your dd it’s up to her mum and dad so what if she doesn’t pass exams you helped your own kids they obviously appreciated it go have fun on weekends.

I couldn’t sit by and watch a child in my life fail.

equally, I’m not sure I could be with a man who wasn’t stepping in and doing something proactive about his daughter’s academic situation. He could hire a tutor or he could study and tutor her himself. He really should be considering whether or not the current custody situation needs to be challenged so h has more time with the child and the ability to get her on track. He could start with just asking to have her informally for several evenings a week for study sessions and an evening meal.

I think you are pushing a lorry up hill and the outcome will be that you are perceived as the evil step mum who makes her do things she doesn't want to do. I think a friendly relationship with her is the thing to focus on unless or until she asks for academic help. The offer is there, but up to her. Her mum and dad need to sort this out.

I really, really disagree in some cases. I do think overall homework shouldn't be a burden and it should never take away from playing and other things that are vastly more important to and for children. But I do think there's a place for it, where - and only where - it benefits the child. My daughter is a year and a half out from high school and really does benefit from a little consolidation work at home. There could be multiple reasons for that but the main thing is that she does. I also think where reading isn't part of a child's everyday routine that reading homework is important. It really is heavily qualified though and I don't think 8 and 10 year olds should be doing hours every weekend or that they should be manhandled into it. Where there's a benefit for an individual child and where it can even strengthen other skills, I do support it.

I don't support box ticking homework that is just for the sake of it either. My daughter's friend in secondary showed me how her homework is set up and it looks like a ticklist of tasks that aren't tied to their specific current work and they just pick three a week to do. I don't see what that is really supposed to achieve except for children who maybe have clear strengths and paths.

There is something not right here op

my daughtrer is autistic and missed huge amounts of school and still passed her sats. And I never, ever did HW with her.

Sats are a load of bollocks anyway - but - no reasonably capable child will 'fail' them.

My childrens primary school didn't do hw so it isn't that much of a necessity?

If you care for her, then of course YABU. She needs help, both for her behaviour and her homework. If you are a significant adult for her, it's your responsibility to help. Of course you should be doing it in hand with your DH, but giving up because she's not yours and it's hard work isn't right. I'd speak to your DH, get him to speak to school and possibly ask to have her 50/50 so the school work issue can be addressed.

This isn’t on you. Your husband needs to get her a tutor.

You can’t value her education more than her or her parent’s.

4 hours of being stressed and unhappy on the one weekend in a fortnight that she's there to see her father is miserable and not sustainable, so something needs to change.

I don't think you mentioned what your DH's opinion is, OP?

I would explain to her father the consequences of not doing well in SATS. In terms of Progress 8 and streaming in secondary. Explain in the event he doesn't understand the system being Finnish. And so he can explain to your DSDs mother.

I'd then be having a conversation with DC about how you are willing to help, the consequences of her continuing as she is and then leave it.

I'm in Scotland and homework is starting to not be a "thing" at primary school🙄. I worry about when they go to high school and become overwhelmed by homework.
I dont understand this train of thought with our shit education system.

Your husband needs to step up now. I can see why you were doing it but it’s not working now. It doesn’t matter what his background is. He can’t just give up.

Leave it to her parents. You raised your children and they turned out fine. Whilst you may care for her she is not your problem while they are still around.

Her dad should be helping her with her homework. He will be perfectly capable of helping with primary school homework as he will have been in normal academic school until 16 before going to vocational school (and even there he will have continued with core academic subjects, on about GCSE level). Tell him he needs to put the effort in, and you can maybe answer the occasional question if they get stuck but you are no longer taking responsibility.

That's where I am. No homework policy even exists in my daughter's school (Glasgow) so they just don't issue it. They did used to have a homework policy but the homework was 100% app based (Seesaw) and parents pushed back on that so it's like they said fine, we'll not bother then.

It is not possible to fail SATS.
A child may not reach the expected level but this is not a fail! We need to stop labelling children by academic expectations. It sounds as though you need to work on your relationship with her. Forcing her to do homework is not the way to do this.

4 hours a weekend for a 10 year old is insane.

Also - please be aware if she finds school difficult she will need the break from it! more than other kids.

You are putting her under too much pressure. Go and see her teacher, find out why she is struggling - and then let her enjoy her free time!

Not your problem. What's with the homework in primary school malarkey anyway?
Never did it when I was at primary and pretty sure my kids used to a bring a book home to read, but that was it.
Anyway, its down to the parents not you, so just stop stressing out about it