To stop doing homework with stepdaughter?

[EllaVader]

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

Definitely not your responsibility,
If your husband want his daughter to do well, let him help her.
You should relax and enjoy yourself

I think instead of insisting she finishes the work she should just do what she can in the time the school says to spend on it.
So ten minutes of reading - then just do ten minutes. If that means she only reads a page then that's it.
Maths - 5 minutes. If that's just one sum she gets done then that's fine.
Set a timer for her.

I have spoken with DH about it and he’s going to take over homework duties next weekend - he’s not afraid to, just will have to read up on the topics beforehand.

Like some posters have said, this will just drive resentment between SD and I otherwise. I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of her not doing any homework at all, and feel it’s fair that we do our share rather than leave it all to her mum, but the sass and bad attitude is very trying for me.

We already do plenty of everyday learning, integrating her curriculum topics, and related enrichment activities and trips. She’s very much not interested in any form of learning, even music / sports / arts once she realises she has to put in effort and won’t be amazing to start with.

My dd is in year 5 and I don’t recognise how you could possibly be doing 4hrs of homework, nor do I think any primary would expect or even support this. My dd generally gets a few spellings and a small maths exercise to do, it rarely takes her more than 10 minutes. Reading is just built into daily life. They’re all doing the same curriculum, surely it can’t be that different. Occasionally they get something bigger but that’s the general idea…

Remind me how much time you spend as a family with your SD please.

I dont think changing from you to her father on homework duties will make much difference. If you are a fully trained teacher and you cant get her to do it, what chance has her father? It might even alienate her.

Why not just remind her that both you and her father are happy to help her with any homework she needs to complete if she needs it. Let her do the asking.

If her father was practical and not academic it’s possible she has different strengths too.

Pushing a 10 year old through 4 hours of learning on a weekend is only going to be detrimental and give her negative associations with learning.

I had a relative that was a brilliant teacher and tutor but would put my dyslexia brother through so much stress in the holidays for the sake of very little. It was uncomfortable to see. In both instances (yours and theirs) it is very well meaning but not all kids will respond well to the same approach.

Id stick to a set amount of time per weekend day like 20-30 mins and reward with a fun family activity in the afternoon. If it doesn’t all work out it the time that’s fine. Building a routine of study and positive reinforcement that makes learning feel relaxed and enjoyable will be more beneficial in the long term than what you actually achieve per day.

But I agree that really it needs to be your husband, her father getting involved with this and taking it over if thinks continue to go downhill.

I think your last paragraph is telling OP. I think you need to stand back. You have said you plenty of everyday learning. I think you need to remember it's not your DD and she is only Y5. Some kids aren't interested in learning. To say she won't be amazing is unfair though. You need to keep out of it.

Failing SATs is hardly a huge problem and it's not going affect her life or career.They are supposed to test the school anyway and not the child.

I don't think primary school children should be doing homework either apart from perhaps reading, learning spelling and tables. There is plenty of time for homework later on in her school career. I also think pushing a child to do homework when she is only with her father every other weekend is going to be counter productive she should be spending quality time with her father in that time not doing homework so I'm not surprised she is resisting it.

I was going to say you need to get her dad to step up and he is agreed so that’s good
not your responsibility

fwiw I don’t think kids at primary should be obligated to do homework and I disagree with y6 sats (or rather the fact that my kids primary school pile on the pressure). However if she can’t manage primary school pressure then it isn’t looking good for secondary

poor girl. But I think you need to step away from it.

Leave her to it. Let her crash and burn. Sometimes with teenagers you just have to let them fail.

@Balloonhearts
The child is 10. Not a teenager.

Friday:

• 10m reading aloud
• 5m maths

This took 1/2hr with her finding her book, getting a drink, going to the loo, chatting

Saturday:

• 10m reading aloud
• 5m maths
• 1 worksheet page of maths

This took over an hour due to the above plus finding a pencil, resharpening her pencil, needing to explain the maths concept from the start, needing to go through every question

Sunday:

• 10m reading aloud
• 5m maths
• 1 worksheet page of English
• 2 pages of handwriting practice (copying 50 common exception words in a workbook, recommended by her teacher)

All of the above plus a tantrum ending with DH telling her to stay at the table until she finished her page, her shouting at us, and eventually doing it.

Each day should have taken about 25-35m, about 1.5hrs total. Instead it took four hours.

Poor girl.
Also, 4 days a month? Is that it? That all your husband can be bothered to spend with his daughter?

His daughter only sees her dad for 4 days a month and each of those days, she is spent with her stepmum doing homework for 1.5 hrs? Ridiculous.

How do you know it's not that her mum won't allow more contact?

Her mum moved away when she was pregnant, to be closer to her family. It was a casual relationship, she was 40 and she ghosted DH, and he only found out about his daughter when she was one and her mum put in a CMS claim. EOWE and half the holidays is court ordered.

Say exactly that to her and her parents. You would love to help but you can't and wont force her. She might come good or she might not but they will all know this was the crossroads. Step back.

Not sure why her age and their relationship status is relevant? He fathered a child, one who is clearly struggling, and he is happy to do the bare minimum, because a 'court ordered it'.
Has since palmed off any education to you, because he's full of excuses why he can't help his own daughter, and now you don't want to help her anymore.
Like I said. Poor girl.

The SM has been helping her and if you read her posts wants to continue to do so.Give the woman a break, she's writting on here for advise.

My DD has ASD and severe dyslexia. She finds homework a real challenge and it often ends up in meltdowns. My biggest thing is to only work on it for as long as it 'should' take. I then would write a note on the worksheet or message school to state 30 mins completed. School then see a realistic version of what was completed in the time.

I am not saying that school work is unimportant, but from the point of view of being academic myself, enjoying school and happy to do homework, it was a shock to the system to have a completely unacademic child who disliked school, didn't understand anything and pushed back at every turn when it came to homework.

In the end, after lots of tears (mine as well as his) I stopped.

I made it clear that I was still happy to help if he wanted, and I did remind him to do it - but he wasn't to come moaning to me if he missed playtime or golden time if it wasn't done. His choice, his consequence.

I did similar with my SD and I like to think all the tears and tantrums were worth it now she's gone from below average at Primary School to 8s and 9s at GCSE, even though we don't see much of her nowadays. However, it was through working with her that DH and I noticed ADHD signs and the diagnosis and medication made a huge difference. If you're not able to get any more time with her and she's pushing back at every turn then you have to weigh up if it's really going to have a long term impact.

It's not unfair at all to say that someone isn't going to instantly be amazing at every activity they attempt without trying. No beginner is amazing. Anything worth doing takes time, patience and effort.

This is OP projecting. The only person hoping for perfection here is OP and it seems over bearing. She is Y5.

Maybe because the mum refuses any more, and the court wouldn’t give him any more time?