To stop doing homework with stepdaughter?

[EllaVader]

I’m 50, DH is too and SD is 10 and in year 5. We’ve been together 5 years. As I have two grown up daughters who did very well academically, used to be a primary teacher, and DH is Finnish and went through a completely different school system in which he specialised in a trade rather than academia, I’ve always done homework with her.

This used to be a fun bonding experience years ago. However now the hormones are kicking in, the work is harder, and she’s giving me a lot of sass and dragging everything out. We have her EOWE and her mum doesn’t believe in homework so she does nothing there and is a consequence, not meeting expectations. She’s in regular trouble for poor discipline at school, and is on track to fail her SATS next year unless she knuckles down, which she’s refusing to. I work a stressful job and spent four hours of my weekend trying to coax her through what should have taken an hour.

AIBU to say this isn’t my responsibility anymore?

She might have some other issues.. light adhd, low self esteem etc. the issue is not homework, it is why she is not trying hard at school, why this is not a priority, why she does not care. You can’t solve this issue by nagging her to do homework she does not want to do. And you are not her parent so you can’t do anything. Talk to her and ask her if she wants help, tell her you are there if she wants to do homework, but if she does not, just leave it. This is not your battle to fight

It's really lovely that you feel the way you do, and have been spending the time with her on weekends, but you need to be guided by her parents on this. If they aren't taking the lead and focusing on academics, and making the daily effort to ensure consistency, including in messaging, you can't plug the gap every other weekend. Just spend the weekend doing fun things with her, and let her parents pick up the slack.

You're more concerned and involved than her own parents are.

Step back. You can't fix them or save her.

YANBU. You've been doing a nice thing and it sounds like no one appreciates it. Time to reclaim your free time!

Yanbu. Tell her you’re happy to help her but if she chooses to make it difficult then you’ll leave her to it and she can face the consequences of getting in trouble at school / failing SATs.
Remind her you will be there waiting when she decides she wants your help. That way you’ve done everything you can but you’re not wasting your time and energy.

I completely understand where you are coming from, I would want the same, but realistically doing anything like this every other week will not help her. Your best bet is to let it go and try your best to have a good relationship with her where she can come to you for help when things inevitably hit the fan in her teens. Kids like this really struggle and she will need a safe space. I would also model fun learning opportunities, not homework. Show her that reading can be enjoyable, even her seeing you read for pleasure makes a big difference, maybe one of those poem a day books you can just read 2 together when she's over, a little tradition, or do some baking or cooking together etc. Give her a set amount of money and ask her to get ingredients, budget etc.
This will show her the value of learning and she will remember that more than you forcing her through some worksheets. You just need to accept that no matter what you do, unless someone is doing it with her a little everyday, it will be futile and just ruin your relationship.

I think it must be very difficult to drag her through on your own. Especially if you can only support every other weekend.

It's very kind and responsible of you to attempt to get her up to standard, but to me it seems like you're shoveling snow with a teaspoon while it's still snowing if mum and dad aren't on board and backing you up.

I don't think school would want you to be flogging on at homework for 4 hours! If you think it should take 30 minutes then I'd set a timer for 30 minutes, focus on what seems most important for that time only and then stop. If it was my DD I would send a note in to school to say she spent 30 minutes doing homework and this is how much she managed, with support. But appreciate you may not be able to do that as a step parent.

It is difficult when they don't want to do homework and you are itching to be able to support them! My daughter is very reluctant to do things at home and it can cause big arguments and stress. I'm trying to think of the bigger objective and let school teach her so I can have a good parenting relationship.

Maybe there are other things that would help with her learning more than worksheets. My DD is learning to touch type for example.

As a parent os a child who has me banging my head against a brick wall with his lack of wanting to do homework which he's had ever since primary school why are aren't school speaking to both or her parents to find out what the problem is and putting some sort of plan in place? It doesn't sound fun or productive, lots of children do find it hard to engage in homework. Additionally getting one weekend with your Dad in a fortnight and spending a chunk of it doing homework doesn't sound great. If he was seeing her more often I would expect it to become more of a routine.

Her dad is on board and is in regular contact with the school, including the SENCO. She hasn’t got any neurodivergence according to them, or additional needs. She’s often in trouble for chatting and messing around.

She gets plenty of time with just him and with both of us over the weekend. It was supposed to be ten minutes of reading, five minutes of maths app and a worksheet on each day (which should take five to ten mins) but because she dragged it out so much, and DH insisted she finished, it took so much longer.

Can you help her in another way....? I feel like if she's only seeing her dad every other weekend and on those days her SM is pushing her to do academic work she hates, it's probably not helping anyone's bonding time (clearly not given how you feel). Instead could you look at helping her find a passion? If she's not academic could you do something creative as a 3 (craft, knitting, a woodwork project whatever), if she likes animals could you take her to an animal shelter etc. If she likes books could you go to the library. There's lots of more fun education out there (museums, art galleries etc). If she has some inspiration in her life, she might also see the point of school, plus if she enjoys time with you both you might see nicer behaviours when with you.
I totally see why you've done what you've done, because I'm academic and from an academic family, and it feels very much like the answer is to just try harder BUT it clearly isn't working. I also seriously doubt not doing the 2 sheets of homework and some maths is why she's behind (my son never did primary homework and was still at greater depth). So it's not in any way going to impact her outcomes if you do/don't do it.

This is a tough one for me. It's clear that you want the best for her and for her to have the same chances as your own DDs, but at the end of the day, she's not your DD. She has a mother and father of her own that should be taking the lead in this.

You can express your support and offer her help, but having a battle every other weekend with a child that's not actually your responsibility is likely to just breed resentment both ways.

I'd step back and offer support if she wants it and have chats to encourage her to want to do it for herself, but walk away from the actual battles and let her parents step in if they want to do it.

It sounds like that’s not her values, but her mother’s values being imposed on her.

Huh, that’s like the second ADHD in a girl flag I’ve seen in your posts about her.

OP, you are a mug.
She's 10 and neither parent can be arsed to help.
4 hours? Madness.
Drop the rope.
Had it over now.
This is only going to get harder as she grows.
I couldn't look at a man so detached from his own childs education.
This is on him and her mother.
You are very silly to be laying down the groundwork for responsibility for her success going forward.
She is not your daughter.

Do you not love her?

I never did any homework with my DC, I don't understand why anyone does tbh! And mine have both ended up, after various detentions, bollockings and missed opportunities, learning that they have to work hard to achieve. One went to Oxford the other medical degree. Its not your homework OP, you did all yours and did well, this is the lesson for them, not that it's your responsibility and they can moan and still get a positive result!

Drop the rope.

Tell her you're there to help if she wants help - and as soon as any messing around and behaviour starts, no interesting responses, cheerful shrug and get up and go do something else. If she wants to make it unpleasant then you're not giving that energy and you don't want to spend your time with her like that, so she can do it by herself or put it away. Or settle down, and you'll come back and work with her. Those are her choices.

She's old enough to start making the effort. This is the point she needs to find some self motivation rather than focus on fussing at people trying to help her. Or she can deal with explaining at school she didn't do it. It's her homework, she has to find the will and the reason herself to put in the effort.

Only read OP's posts.

I absolutely wouldn't carry on with this. I would be very frustrated, but if the child isn't engaging and her mother isn't supporting her then I def would not take responsibility for it.

“Her dad is on board”
”DH insisted she finished”

If so, I think it would be informative to let DH supervise the homework and see if he has the same experience.

I know you would probably be better at this (particularly given you have had experience with your own DDs) but he should still do at least an adequate job.

You can then at least rule out it being a problem between you and DSD It might also encourage him to agree a joint approach with his ex.

When children behave badly, there's always a reason behind it. It's their way of expressing that they are unhappy. Has your step-daughter's parents had a meeting with the school to discuss her poor behaviour? Your husband may be Finnish and gone through a different school system, but that does absolve him of all responsibility, when it comes to his daughter's education - that's an excuse, not a reason. He needs to get to grips with how our school system works, and quickly, so he can support his daughter. Your step-daughter has two parents, who don't seem to give a flying monkey about her education. It doesn't matter if her Mum 'believes' in homework or not, the fact is her daughter has to do it. Again this is a cop-out to avoid actually involving herself and parenting her own child. The only person who gives a damn is you! It may be that your step-daughter WANTS her parents to give a damn! By showing complete disinterest, it must make her feel rejected. You need a frank conversation with your husband, he can't force his ex to step-up, but he can. It's not your responsibility to parent your step-daughter and make sure her homework is completed, it's her parents.

I find it really quite odd that someone who was a primary school teacher even felt it appropriate for a 10 year old to be doing homework for 4 hours. Surely you know that a disengaged child isn’t actually going to be learning much like this? If she is finding the reading hard for whatever reason then, why not try shared reading or an audiobook as an alternative option. If she struggles with the maths app or worksheets do something practical instead.
Ultimately though it isn’t your responsibility and if her dad wants to enforce homework at his house then he is the one who needs to be doing it with her.

It’s a bit shit to abandon her now she’s a teen for being a teen.

Maybe make your dh at least sit with you when you’re doing it & he can take care of the sass & you can continue to take care of the education?

Can your DH pay for a tutor once a week (to visit on mums time)? She may respond better to someone she’s not related too, it would give her a chance of catching up and take the responsibility from you

You have married a practical, non-academic man. Chances are his daughter takes after him. I would stop trying to force the situation and just tell her she can ask if she wants the help.