Husband has no time for me

[Aceofbase1987]

That’s it basically. We have 2 young children, aged 4 and 8, he works a stressful job with long hours and frequent travel. I’m a stay at home mum. I feel like he has no time for me at all, when he’s home he’s hands on with the children but doesn’t seem to want to spend time one on one with me. I asked to go for a coffee with him today while my mum watched the kids but he said he’d rather spend the day as a family. I know that’s important but I also think spending time together as a couple is and this would have been about an hour of the day and would have meant a lot to me. He’s away for work again in the morning (he got back from a previous trip last night) and he won’t be back until Saturday. I’m hurt and fed up. AIBU?

I think you're best sitting him down and trying to talk honestly with him about how you're feeling. I'd explain that yes family time is of course important but you are also a married couple and you need to be actively working to keep that sense of connection alive.

I hate to ask it but do you trust him? I had similar with my ex and no matter what I tried he was very disconnected from me and it was hard to get him to spend time with me even though he was a very involved dad and it turned out he was seeing someone and felt guilty when he was around me.

I have tried and it just ends in a row. He thinks I’m being unreasonable as he ‘has no time’ but I don’t think an hour is too much to ask. I think I trust him. We’ve had issues in the past but we’ve worked through it and I would be shocked if someone else was involved.

It’s tough because he’ll want to spend as much time as possible with the children as well as with you - I’m not sure there’s an easy answer, really.

What about a nice takeaway and bottle of wine once the kids are in bed?

He thinks working long hours is his commitment to the marriage? Not his time?

He seems to think that by spending the time he has free with the kids he’s doing his part. I know that’s important and I shouldn’t take it for granted that he’s so hands on when he’s around. But I just feel lonely, neglected and forgotten about.

But if he’s away a lot he’ll miss the kids just as much as he misses you - and by doing family days he gets to see all of you.

I imagine for you that an hour isn’t much because you’re with them all the time but it’s different when you work away.

I think you’d be best doing things when the kids are in bed and getting a babysitter so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.

I get that and I agree, he does feel like he’s missing out. But I also feel like I’m missing out, I spend all time with the kids, doing stuff with them and for them and every now and again, I’d like to feel that I still matter as a wife.

Then arrange time with your DH when the kids are in bed so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.

He got back late last night and leaves at 5am tomorrow morning. Not much chance of a romantic night in or out sadly.

This. Are dc home schooled?

No, one of them is at school, the other one starts in September

If I’m being unreasonable, I’m happy to be told that.

Unfortunately that’s reality when you have children and a partner who works away a lot.

Not unreasonable but maybe unrealistic.

Maybe. Is one hour unrealistic though? I don’t ask to be wined and dined, I don’t expect him to drop everything for me. But it would be nice if for once, he considered my feelings

To be fair if I was away from my kids so much for work, I'd want to spend every waking hour with them so I do see where he coming from on this one. I wouldn't feel the same urgency for a partner no matter how much I loved them .

It’s tricky because our day to days are so different. For me, everything is for, with and about the kids. For him, it’s work work work. I just feel like our marriage isn’t being nurtured in the way it should

Your mistake was to marry a person whose priorities are not compatible with your own. Since he is intractable, I do not see how this can be resolved.

You are at an impasse. You can either continue as you are, or end the marriage.

you are home all the time - he is away all the time. For him the thought of going out to yet another cafe and having another coffee is probably hell - he has not been home all week and wants to stay in. Why not ask your mum to take the kids out for an hour - and have a coffee or whatever at home? Also if he is away all week why is your mum there if he is only back for a day? Then book a meal for when he is back for a longer time frame and go out then - preferably after he has been back for three days. It’s hard and you are both working well as a team - but you will be fine ❤️

I'm sorry but I cannot believe people think OP is being unrealistic for wanting her DH to spend some alone time with her. Making excuses for the guy and minimising OP's need is wild.

OP have a chat with him and create a timetable that works for you both to schedule in date nights and you both agree to make effort to ensure it happens. You both are too young of a couple not to prioritise one another.

Crikey. Wasn’t expecting to be told to end it 😳

My mum isn’t here, she lives near by and agreed to pop in and watch them while we went out. But then DH didn’t want to go. I get it, a coffee is a coffee and he’s probably sick of it. But it didn’t have to be a coffee. Even a walk around the block would have been something

Well i don't think you are unreasonable wanting to spend some time alone with your H .
It sounds miserable for you when you see so little of him.
When you say you have had your issues in the past did that involve him seeing other people? Because I'm afraid like a pp upthread, I would worry that he is involved with someone else.

Welcome to MN. Most martial advice is either endure or end it, no inbetween🤷‍♀️

is he a high earner? Would you be happy if he was home more you also worked but he earned less?