Husband has no time for me

[Aceofbase1987]

That’s it basically. We have 2 young children, aged 4 and 8, he works a stressful job with long hours and frequent travel. I’m a stay at home mum. I feel like he has no time for me at all, when he’s home he’s hands on with the children but doesn’t seem to want to spend time one on one with me. I asked to go for a coffee with him today while my mum watched the kids but he said he’d rather spend the day as a family. I know that’s important but I also think spending time together as a couple is and this would have been about an hour of the day and would have meant a lot to me. He’s away for work again in the morning (he got back from a previous trip last night) and he won’t be back until Saturday. I’m hurt and fed up. AIBU?

You and others mocked the poster who said he isn't going to change so you either put up with it or end it, but what other option is there? He's making a deliberate choice not to spend time with you and you can't force him to choose differently.

Mocked? How have I mocked anyone?

I don't think you're being unreasonable op. he has very little free time at home but you deserve a fraction of it if he actually wants his marriage to work

what is he like with you when you're out with the kids? is he warm and affectionate or does it feel more like two co-parents on a day trip? does he want sex when. he's home or is he too busy then as well?

Stay with him. Divorce is a social contagion these days. A MN'er will sympathise and then immediately prescribe divorce as the cure-all. You 100% need each other and this feeling that he has no time for you is the nudge you need to start addressing it head-on. Please don't divorce, OP. Or what is it? LTB? Don't do that, either. Please talk this out with your DH.

It seems like you both out the children/time with the children first - which is right. The issue is that you then place his needs second and yours last - and so does he.
I can recall feeling like the bottom of the list ( have a husband who worked long hours and played a lot of golf). In the end I said just that - and my husband did then realise the balance was not fair. He still worked long hours and played a lot of golf but would ask whether I needed any time for anything and things did get better.
OP - you need to get your DH to ‘hear’ you. Just say you need to feel valued and you’d like a slice of his time - and that you feel that is a reasonable ask. Seems he’s taking you for granted -which is never ok. Good luck x

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, he should be wanting to spend time with you as much as you want with him. My marriage ending was largely due to how absent ex was.

As your dh has been less than faithful in the past, I would worry he's having another affair. You might think he wouldn't after the last time, however you'd be amazed the number of men who go onto do have subsequent affairs. They get better at hiding it. He's also got lots of opportunity as he works away regularly.

When my kids were very young I was put in a position where I had no option but to be the main breadwinner, working very long hours, while their father (my former ‘partner’ though the term seems inappropriate) stayed at home. I was constantly exhausted & felt exploited & devastated not to see more of my kids.

If their father - who was all too happy to place all the burden of supporting the family on me- had started going on about wanting to spend quality time with me I would have been absolutely repulsed by one more demand. My priority was my children- not him. I would have thought- ‘Seriously? Is it not enough that I work myself into the ground? That I’m separated from my children? You’re actually demanding attention for you on top of that?’

I think there is a real tension in relationships where one parent stays at home and the other works long hours. They all to easily breed resentment and contempt. Your situation is different from mine as your husband -from what you say- wants to be the breadwinner. (Though given the unequal earning potential is there really much choice?) But I suspect the unequal dynamic may still be pushing you apart & changing his feelings.

I would be looking into this as the underlying issue here - ie thinking the problem is much more fundamental. Maybe one option would be counselling to talk though how your lives are arranged, & whether fundamental changes can be made.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just think it's a difficult situation for you both.

It doesn't seem like spending couple's time with you, is as important to him, as it is to you.

He's prioritising time with the family, as opposed to couple's time. The problem here is that you're not getting your needs met. I'm not sure if he is getting all his needs met, but the fact that it ends in a row when you raise it is somewhat concerning.

In advance of his return, could you arrange a babysitter, plan an evening/afternoon for the two of you and let him know before he gets back.

It's not meant to take time away from the kids.. but to balance the both. If his response to this is reluctance, there may be a deeper issue.

It's hard to say without a fuller picture, such as his communication with you when he's away, the level of affection and intimacy on his return ... just his general vibe around you.

It seems to me some posters are missing the point a bit. Yes he works long hours but he also finds the time to go to the gym, nutritionist etc on a regular basis but can’t find any time to spend with OP. And everything that OP is doing is hard work too - the dinners, the bedtimes every day etc. She doesn’t get time to go to the gym to wind down.

I’m not sure what is realistic though for spending time alone with each other. I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. I work PT and DH is FT. We don’t ever really go out together alone. We’re always juggling work and looking after the children and we like to go out as a family at the weekend. But we still have a close relationship and lots of chatting and sharing our days. It sounds like maybe what you really want is for DH to be more of a present partner and to stop going to the gym as much and actually prioritise being home and talking to you in a way that is more fulfilling.

My first thought is that he is only coming home for the kids. I’d be worried there’s another women filling up his time away.

You need to think about that you want and tell him that if he doesn’t want to put any effort in then you are done.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. At all.
Some posters are coming across as though you should shut up and put up but you matter too.

I voted YANBU but on reflection , to me an hour for coffee in the day time doesn’t translate into couple reconnection time or a “date”. I find coffee shops have no atmosphere and are full of workers and families. I have a lot of work meetings in them and time in them doesn’t feel like quality time. If DH suggested we go for a coffee while we had a sitter I would feel it a waste of child free time. Could your DH possibly have a similar attitude? Can he book a day or afternoon off work so you can go for a meal and or a drink and get someone to babysit instead? Or even a night away? If there’s no enthusiasm for an offer of something that seems grown up/ decadent then I would be sitting down & having a serious chat.

Is he also a triathlete/marathon runner/hyrox nut?
Previous workplace was littered with guys like your DH, workaholics in a company where it was positively encouraged, paid well to facilitate a SAHP so all they had to think about was work as everything else was done for them.
There was also a fair amount of divorce, extra marital activity and stress related breakdowns.
Part of the problem will be he’s surrounded at work by men doing exactly what he does, so he won’t have perspectives other than yours telling him there’s a problem.
Is there anyone in your lives who would understand/support your perspective? Or are they all “you’re so lucky, he’s such a great provider and dad” types?

OP, you say that he makes time for the gym etc., surely he can go to the gym every morning and every night while working away, if he really wants to, so then when he's at home, he could have that extra time in the morning, sleeping in, and then stay up an hour later to spend time with you? Just a thought.

I too have been through this, the feeling of I'm John's wife, I'm Jack & Susie's mum, but who am I, is a question many, many women ask themselves. I do get the impression that your husband is actually very selfish, and the longer this goes on, the worse it will get. When my ex and I eventually split up, and he married someone else, he actually said to me that his work was "more important than ANYTHING else", I couldn't believe what he said, so asked him if it was more important than his new wife, and he just repeated "my work is more important to me than ANYTHING else". Eventually he was made redundant from the job that he had put before ANYTHING else, and he was left with having to start over, when he was a lot older. By this time we'd stopped talking as our children were grown up, but I'd love to know how he felt about his work then!

Having said all that, I think you need to talk to your husband, and if he tells you you're being ridiculous, irrational, or whatever, you should try saying, "I may be being ridiculous / irrational, but it's the way I feel, and you NEED to listen to me". I found when I said this to my new partner, that it stopped him in his tracks, we then sat down and talked about the matter in hand, and sorted things out. Of course this may not work with your DH, but it has to be worth a try.

At the end of the day, he's either seeing someone else, or he's risking you seeing someone else, and I'm afraid I'm getting the impression that he wouldn't really care if you were, and if you did, in view of his past history, it would serve him right.

Sorry this is so long, but just one more thought, are you absolutely SURE that he's working away every time he tells you he is? Maybe try ringing the hotel where he's supposed to be staying, and check that he's there, as it would be so easy for him to be somewhere else, now that we all have mobile phones.

I don’t think you are. I’ve been in the same position and put it down to his workaholism. Frequently away for work, and even when he wasn’t he left the house at 6am and didn’t get home till 8pm, then he’d eat and spend the evening catching up on emails. He would spend weekends with the DCs, working or doing his own hobbies. I felt completely invisible.

As a pp has said upthread, he was having an affair for years and couldn’t stand to be alone with me because he felt guilty. And also if they’ve got a great wife in front of them who is catering to their every need, that challenges their mental justifications for putting it about elsewhere. It’s easier for them to not put themselves in that position.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’d cherchez la femme.

How is your sex life?
If it’s at zero, I’d be almost certain he is seeing someone else when he’s away.

It’s not great tbh

You both need a serious conversation. 😔

yabu. he works long hours, provided for you all and wants to use spare time to spend it with the family instead of going golfing or to the pub. he is probably very little at home.

could you start contributing financially again and he reduces his hours to create some more balance? Your DC are school aged so I get why you must feel bored and lonely. I would plan to return to work.

Have you read all my posts? I am returning to work in September. It won’t change the amount he works though, his job is the all in type so reducing hours is not an option unless he has a career change. I also work all hours, albeit unpaid, we both contribute to family life and we both deserve to have our needs met.

He's checked out of your marriage OP.
You are really just a housekeeper/nanny for him. You need to secure your financial future as this really doesn't sound like it will end well sorry to say.
He'll be happy to keep the status quo as it suits him but you are clearly miserable and lonely. It ends up in a row when you raise it as he just doesn't care enough to change anything and wants you to shut up.

OP, this sounds like a really difficult situation. Was he always a bit cold with you or is this new? I do think he's being neglectful and, regardless of him wanting to spend time with the kids, needs to make time for your needs too. From what you say, it sounds like you're just being treated like staff which I would not be ok with as a wife at all. Have you told him what you told us about how it makes you feel? If he doesn't care I think that's really problematic.

Sounds very much like you are way down on his list of priorities.
He is taking you entirely for granted. Your self esteem will suffer and it's highly unlikely a marriage will survive with zero one on one time and one partner showing no interest.
How on earth are you ever going to work and save up your own pension when he works away all the time? His job really doesn't work with a family does it?
It would marriage counselling or divorce for me. And given the current state of your marriage you would do well to get back to work sooner rather than later, he can pay for childcare with his big salary.

Your dh is ok because all his needs are currently being met but is he not bothered that your needs aren’t being met? Even if things couldn’t change right now the fact he won’t acknowledge your feelings is not right. He could say ‘I know things are tough right now, it will get better, let’s discuss how we can find some time together, I don’t want us to drift apart either’ but the fact he isn’t empathising with you, isn’t hearing what you are saying is actually really sad. Why do so many spouses refuse to listen when they are being told there is a worry about their relationship? I can only assume they don’t care but that’s a horrible thought.

Right, as soon as he gets in and is oh so keen to be with the children, you need to go out. Running, shopping, whatever, just leave him to it. At least you will get something to boost your self view.

I suspect it would show you exactly what's going on.