Husband has no time for me

[Aceofbase1987]

That’s it basically. We have 2 young children, aged 4 and 8, he works a stressful job with long hours and frequent travel. I’m a stay at home mum. I feel like he has no time for me at all, when he’s home he’s hands on with the children but doesn’t seem to want to spend time one on one with me. I asked to go for a coffee with him today while my mum watched the kids but he said he’d rather spend the day as a family. I know that’s important but I also think spending time together as a couple is and this would have been about an hour of the day and would have meant a lot to me. He’s away for work again in the morning (he got back from a previous trip last night) and he won’t be back until Saturday. I’m hurt and fed up. AIBU?

My exhusband was exactly the same. If I sat next to him he suddenly had to get up and go and do something . If we went out with the children in a pushchair each he'd walk in front at such a speed I just couldn't catch up. He was having an affair with someone from work and he'd just mentally checked out of our marriage. Eventually he left. There is nothing more lonely than being I'm a room with someone who doesn't want to be there

I think this is a common problem with young married couples .Time with DC is important of course .Can you have a chat ,and see about an evening out while DM babysits ? Maybe for a few hours .Its good to reconnect ,and DC will be in bed anyway so he wont miss anything! Tell him how you feel .Maybe he will feel happier if just away a few hours

You are facilitating his life of being the family man. Look great from the outside but as others have said you and your needs are way down the list. Sounds like he spends more time with his nutritionist than with you. 🙄

I would start carving out a life for myself - you find an activity you find fulfilling. A course? Spend time with people who do care for you. This won’t solve the problem but your pleas are falling on deaf ears.
Show him you mean business - he won’t change but you can.
He’s having a fulfilling career while your at home the neglected wife.
You can have family time but you take time for you. I really think you are going to need it, especially if he has form for looking elsewhere.

The sad thing is telling a man he needs to spend time with his wife and hd doesn’t get it. To him you are now the ‘mum’.

Always shocks me the amount of people who prioritise their kids over their actual spouse. You’re not just mum and dad, you’re a married couple too. It’s sad so many people seem to lose their identity as their own being with their own needs and wants as soon as they have kids. A healthy marriage sets such a precedent for your children going forward in their future relationships. What example is your husband setting for his children if he can’t be arsed to spend an hour alone with his wife?

I will always maintain that people who put their kids above everything and neglect their marriage shouldn’t be shocked when that marriage fails. Of course your children are important, and it’s only right your husband wants to spend time with them and misses them, but your marriage is of equal importance and it’s sad he can’t see that. I was raised in a household where my parents put their marriage on equal ground as us and as a result, I took that attitude with me into my own future and I married a man who treats my needs as a priority too. I never felt neglected or unloved, I just recognised my mum/dad were just as important as I was.

You need to speak to your husband because this isn’t right and it’s not fair on you.

You need a conversation with him but that will be tricky given he is never around and will feel picked on when in reality it seems like he is happy with things and you aren’t. Regardless I would communicate with him even if it is by letter/email saying that you are unhappy and something needs to change. Don’t immediately jump to the fault being his as the problem is lack of time and him not making time for you both a priority. I agree if he can find time for the gym he should for you but you cannot make him. In the meantime focus on finding time for you even if it means putting your youngest in nursery and you go down the gym, do a class or see a friend. I would make returning to work a priority as he seems like the kind of man who thinks that just providing financially for you is enough and he doesn’t need to spend time with you. Long term that may work as the children get older and he gets more free time or you may drift apart even further. You both have to want to make a change so if he doesn’t you won’t get what you want.

@Aceofbase1987 cherchez la femme.

It’s hard. I’ve been in a different but comparable situation. No third party involved but just a case of no time and having to prioritise.

The difference is I was well aware of the demands of the job ( for very high rewards) and the exhaustion that came with it, so was mostly sympathetic. High pay and a nice lifestyle cost and someone has to pay the price. You also need to beware of expecting all of your emotional and social needs to be fulfilled by your partner. The other posters advising that you invest in your friendships etc make sense.

However, it is important that time is allocated to keeping your connection as spouses. You may have to diarise it I’m afraid, explaining the importance of doing so. My friend told her husband in similar circumstances that a little effort now on the matrimonial/ friendship front would save a world of time and effort later if he didn’t want to have to factor in maintaining a relationship with his children and finding a new partner into his life if they divorced!

Well, drugs it is then. Maybe he’d loosen up a tiny bit after a delicious brownie for pudding!

Seriously though, this all sounds so very hard on you.
(It also sounds familiar, where the husband is extremely rigid about relaxation and enjoyment, way beyond not drinking. Maybe there’s another MNer with a DH very like yours.)

He seems to value control a great deal, and one has to wonder how much of this general characteristic depends on restricting your range of activities too.
For example, do you cook what you want for yourself and the children?
What time do you have for anything you enjoy, such as dance classes or studying the History of Art in an actual classroom (do techs and other such places even exist any more? Is night school dead and gorn?!)

Anyway, no useful advice to offer but I’m very sorry this is your lot right now.
It’s distressing to picture, and I hope you find a way to drag his affection back into your marriage. He has no right to treat you as though you were the au pair.
Lots of luck to you 🙏🏻

I sorry to say that to me it looks like he has lost interest in you. I would not be at all surprised if some of his 'busy' time away from the house is with someone else.

Ask him if he will need to skip a trip to the gym to find time for a session with a marriage counsellor, or whether he can find extra time for that.

I'm only half-joking. He needs a wake-up call.

I guess this is a question of balance. I don't think it's outrageous that someone working long hours gets his hair cut. Question is - do have the opportunity to go to the hairdresser or are you forced to cut your own hair.

If you want to exercise, would you have the time to do so.

Re physio it reads like he is looking after his own health. Can you access self care in the same way if you need/want or do you not have access to those things.

if he gets all these things whilst you cannot, then it's not ok but I wouldn't hold getting a haircut against someone. It's ridiculous to suggest he shouldn't have one.

He has a nerve if he thinks (and gets you to agree) that gym sessions and regular nutritionist appointments are essential commitments.
I’m outraged sitting here, and would want to demand he drop both activities in order that those hours be made available to spend with me, or at least to our home life together.
He has time for you in his high pressure work schedule; it’s just that he would rather focus on his body image.

This is very true. Do you get the same time to do the things you want to do? And where do you both prioritise keeping your relationship going? Kids grow up so fast, in the blink of an eye 15 years have gone and your kids are doing their own thing and what relationship do you have left? If he was hearing what you are saying and said let’s just knuckle down for a few years and then things will improve then maybe…but his reluctance to even acknowledge what you are saying and feeling suggests far deeper problems.

He’s being seen as the hardworking provider but I see a selfish, self centred man.

No time to give his wife an hour but all the time in the world for the gym, physios, nutritionists. It’s all about his own vanity and his needs. He treats your home as a flying pit stop to see the kids.

The fact you mentioning how you feel ends up in a row says a lot about how much he cares.

I’ve seen these relationships so many times on here before. There was actually a very similar thread a few months ago. The story is often the same though. The man is the provider, the woman stays at home with the kids and has no life or independence away from his financial security. The kids reach 18 and the husband ups and leaves.

Please don’t settle.

Everyone is missing the fact that OP's husband manages to make time for the gym, physio etc, but not for his marriage. He is using you as a housekeeper and childminder and has forgotten that you are supposed to be partners. Either he takes notice of you and sarves out a little bit of together time, or your marriage will carry on being one of convenience, and and sooner or later one of you will look elsewhere for that connection.

We have no idea what the OP can and cannot do. She might go to the gym regularly and she will have plenty of time as she doesn't work (kids are 4 and 8 and likely both in school, if not, one will get at least 15h free at nursery). For a lot of people, exercise is integral to being healthy. He seems to work hard and earn will which enabled OP to give up work. There is a lot of info which the OP withheld and it's impossible to give advice in this circumstance..

The marriage is not going to be in a good place if one of the couple is feeling neglected, unloved and taken for granted. On that basis it’s perfectly possible to give advice.

Why doesnt the woman in that circumstance go and find a job once kids are at school?
if the man refuses to facilitate this by paying towards after school/holiday childcare then that’s a sure sign relationship is done.

Yeah I'm sorry too but this is exactly how the whole situation reads.

I'm going to be completely blunt here OP but he isn't interested in spending time with you. At all. And usually in these cases, it's because he is interested in spending his time with someone else.

It doesn’t sound great OP and I can sympathise. You are basically at the bottom of his priorities. He thinks because he works long hours and ‘provides’ for his family - that’s him
being a good husband. He doesn’t realise marriage is hard and requires
lots of works and effort.

My DH is similar. If I question why he’s eating in his office whilst working instead of with me all I get is ‘well
do you think I want to work all these hours’

Only they are happy to agree to you staying at home when it helps them to further their career. He can’t do the nursery pick/up school run when he’s abroad can he?!

And you will get the ‘well you go back to work then’ on here. Like working full time with 2 small children with a workaholic DH who is either abroad at a moment’s notice or gets home about 10, is easy. Are we all thinking he’ll suddenly do 50% of everything at home and to do with the kids?? He won’t. He won’t even be there most of the time…

OP I’m not sure what the answer is. You do need to talk to him. Suggest counselling for a neutral view. If he has time for a nutritionist then he has time for you.

It’s a good point- he can gym when he’s working away. He’s not cooking or cleaning or doing any housework. So that’s when he can have his free time.

OP, you need to be very realistic here. I'm sorry but cheaters cheat and they lie. It's what they do. It's also statistically overwhelmingly likely that cheaters reoffend. I may be saying something different if your marriage sounded anything but shitty, but this is a man who does not want to be with you.

"He seems to work hard and earn will which enabled OP to give up work."

OP giving up work to take care of all the parenting responsibilities for their 2 children & all household duties enabled him to devote all his time to working hard so he can earn well.

He's able to have his own kids & home without having to physically take care of them or miss any work because of OP. That's a luxury hard working women don't get.