Husband has no time for me

[Aceofbase1987]

That’s it basically. We have 2 young children, aged 4 and 8, he works a stressful job with long hours and frequent travel. I’m a stay at home mum. I feel like he has no time for me at all, when he’s home he’s hands on with the children but doesn’t seem to want to spend time one on one with me. I asked to go for a coffee with him today while my mum watched the kids but he said he’d rather spend the day as a family. I know that’s important but I also think spending time together as a couple is and this would have been about an hour of the day and would have meant a lot to me. He’s away for work again in the morning (he got back from a previous trip last night) and he won’t be back until Saturday. I’m hurt and fed up. AIBU?

I note that you mention having suggested meeting him for lunch, but if he works away, how would this be possible OP?

He works away a lot. When he’s not working away, he’s in the office but working long hours. Often not home until after the kids are in bed. But he has time in the day to do other things that are on his ‘ to do ‘ list

I would tell him your still going for the coffee OP.

I’d tell him you’re feeling really lonely at the moment and you’d be gutted if he can’t give you even half an hour.

If he sticks to wanting ‘family time’ that’s fine, but you won’t be there as your taking yourself out for a coffee x

Hmm, I’m not surprised you have had some negative responses. You have had serious/cheating issues in the past that you’ve had to work hard on, yet when you ask him for time alone with him, he doesn’t have any for you? And also you don’t work outside the home. I don’t feel you are in a good position OP.

I agree with others, you can make sure he understands how unhappy this is making you. But if he won’t actually make time for you even when the opportunity presents itself, I do worry that you may have a longer term issue here.

OP imagine putting yourself in his place, which seems to be the missing link. He's never home, between long office hours or travel. Would you want to leave the house, leave your children if you had less than maybe 48 hours between trips or never seeing your children awake? I did this year ago, while being single, but nothing mattered more to me than being at home and in my own bed. I'm guessing he's obviously affording a lifestyle for the family so you can be a SAHM, the children likely have the best of what's available, and there's money set aside for pension, etc. There's firstly a huge amount of stress to put up with staying on top of everything, with all of the balls juggling in the air. However, he likely feels that if he takes his eye off of one ball, it will all come crashing down, so think about the stress he's under. Ask him to share what he needs versus what you need, i.e., asking him out for coffee to spend time with you. Nowhere do I hear you asking him what he is wanting out of the current situation.

Start planning for your future if things go wrong. Look for a job. If he’s not interested in you then make sure he knows you’re looking for an alternate life. I think when you’re a SAHM there is a danger you become invisible. This isn’t an anti sahm comment!
He needs a shock to see you’re more than just a member of this ‘family’. You’re an individual.

He can make time for his barber, gym, and nutritionist but not for his wife. Maybe he's not seeing someone else but it doesn't really sound like he's making an effort to prevent whatever led him to look elsewhere the last time.

Maybe you should look at returning to work if you are lonely and also gain some financial independence. If he works long hours I kind of get why he is prioritising time with the children and you but if you are telling him you are unhappy and he makes no time for you and he isn’t bothered that means you have to fix this yourself. Which means forging a life outside your marriage with new friends/interests and your own job/work. He is telling you that he is doing his bit by supporting you financially to stay at home but as that isn’t enough for you I would show him you need more than that and for him to make time for you too. Does he work long hours because you just have one income coming in? If you worked and brought some money in maybe he could work less hours and you have more time together?

Hopefully this will improve in September when your youngest starts school? It’s hopefully just him trying to prioritise the kids although he seems to prioritise himself first.

It is hard but when you’re married sometimes you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do because it makes your partner happy, or because it will benefit your marriage long-term.

The problem is that he is full on at work all day, whilst you have a different sort of day with less adult interaction. So you want that from his "off" time but when is his off time?
My partner said his ex used to schedule him and use up all the "white space" in his calendar, exacerbated by the fact he was the only driver. It bred a lot of resentment.

I agree that SAHP’s often become invisible cause they’re “there” 24/7 and the working parent can just work and get on with things knowing their kids, house, dog etc. is sorted by the other parent by default.’

I personally think it’s super important that both parents work and maintain their careers - not only for the financial benefits but because it prevents the situation OP describes where she’s the default parent and her husband flits in and out whenever he wants.

You said you only want an hour… surely you can fit that in?

Well, imagine if he packed his job in, for whatever reason.
Then what?
Commitment enough, I never had kids and would never keep another adult. Everyone is different and presumably, this was mutually agreed.

I worked until we had children. We then mutually decided I would stay at home until our youngest starts school. At that time, we had no family help nearby and so it seemed the most obvious solution. I do plan to return to work in September but as I’ve said before, my earning potential is drastically less than his - this would be the case even if I hadn’t taken an extended career break. I do sometimes feel trapped, but I do want our marriage to work. I know he works hard to provide a nice life for our family and I’m very grateful for that. But I do feel like I am worthy of at least a small part of his time, I also work hard to ensure we have a clean and comfortable home, home cooked meals, clean clothes and that all the life admin/child tasks are taken care of. It can feel like a relentless slog at times and I don’t always feel that he appreciates the effort that I put in to making sure our family life runs smoothly. I do feel invisible at times. I don’t ask for much, I don’t complain about the long hours and always eating and doing bedtime alone. I don’t expect or demand to be taken out or wined and dined, but I just don’t feel that the odd hour of his time to spend alone is not too much to ask. His downtime is the gym, I don’t get time to go myself. If he sacked off the gym, he’d get home earlier and be able to spend more time with the kids. But he doesn’t. And I don’t ask him to as I know it’s a stress release for him. But I matter too.

Does he think your marriage is in a good place at the moment? Why do discussions about you wanting more time together result in an argument? Why isn’t he listening to your concerns?

What about when the kids are in bed?

I think this is why Mum's having a job, even just part-time, is so important to give you some time to be yourself and have adult conversations etc so you don't slump into feeling lonely.

He's working, probably only sees the kids for a couple of hours a day and wants to spend as much time with his family as he can. At least he's not golfing, biking, down the pub etc all weekend.

Can you compromise to one date night per month where your Mum watches the kids? Even if that means cosying up on the sofa with TV turned off and sharing a bottle of wine.

Yanbu. You are worthy of his time and attention. He is treating you poorly. If your marriage goes wrong, family life will be very very different.

It is not you being insecure - he is being neglectful.

Just who does he think he’s working all these long hours for? It’s for his own gratification not because he loves his family.

Honestly I don’t know. I don’t think it’s in a particularly good place when we have no time together and he doesn’t seem bothered. But I’m not sure if it’s just because he’s so overwhelmed with all of his other commitments or whether he’s genuinely not interested. They end in an argument because he finds it very difficult to see my perspective and I get frustrated and upset.

He’s in bed before 10pm (often not home before 8pm). He’ll eat his dinner (leftover from what I’ve made earlier) and then after clearing up, perhaps 30 mins on tv, he showers and goes to bed as he’s up so early

Thank you for validating my feelings 💐

This is why I think sometimes that I am expecting too much as this is his argument. You’re right, he isn’t down the pub with his mates or playing golf. He does make time
for the gym but I understand why that’s so important. But our marriage is not going to work long term if we make no time for each other as a couple. I also understand he wants to spend time with the kids, of course he does. But surely a quick coffee or walk together every now and again isn’t too much to ask?

I just wanted to add, we had almost this exact situation when the kids were young, except my husband was around even less.

I wasn’t asking him to do stuff with just me because that’s just not me, but I remember thinking a few times what will we have when the kids are older, because our whole relationship is just the kids/our family, there is no me and him.

Fast forward a few years and we do stuff just us all of the the time. We have date nights, overnight trips away, we are even considering a holiday just us next year. The change was the kids ageing out of wanting to be with us all of the time (so no guilt) plus he stopped working away 3 years ago.

If he isn’t lying/cheating and it really is just exhaustion combined with wanting to spend every minute possible with his kids (which is what our situation was) it will pass as life changes and the kids grow up.

However, it would be a good idea for you to get back to work. It protects your financial future if things do go wrong, but it also gives you an identity in your own right. If your whole life is as X and Y’s mummy and nothing else, it’s inevitable that that’s all he may see you as too. Again this is from hindsight - looking back, my whole identity was being a mum. I did always work but I took a few years out of the career path when they were little. I have so much more to offer in terms of conversation now I’m back to a career job.

Also re me getting a job, I agree it would give me some much needed company and stimulation outside of the home. Without divulging too much, in the early days of parenthood it truly would have been impossible for us both to work and for our child to have time with at least one of their parents. The type of job I do is not something that can really be done part time, so it would mean a career change for me into something that would allow me to be part time. At that time, with a toddler and a newborn, and husband working long hours, this just wasn’t feasible. We now seem to have fallen into
this just being our accepted way of life