Husband has no time for me

[Aceofbase1987]

That’s it basically. We have 2 young children, aged 4 and 8, he works a stressful job with long hours and frequent travel. I’m a stay at home mum. I feel like he has no time for me at all, when he’s home he’s hands on with the children but doesn’t seem to want to spend time one on one with me. I asked to go for a coffee with him today while my mum watched the kids but he said he’d rather spend the day as a family. I know that’s important but I also think spending time together as a couple is and this would have been about an hour of the day and would have meant a lot to me. He’s away for work again in the morning (he got back from a previous trip last night) and he won’t be back until Saturday. I’m hurt and fed up. AIBU?

When he’s only home for 36 hours and the kids are asleep for a good chunk of that then “your time” as a couple needs to come then, not at the expense of his already limited waking hours with the children.

This reminds me of the thread at the moment where a poster said her dh is amazing in a situation or emergency, but she was saying why can’t he give some of that all the time. Ten years ago naive little me would have said but op it’s nice he wants to spend time with the kids, now I’d definitely say he need to do both, as you said even a half hour.

I hear you and similar here too. I think it’s just a season ie this is just how it it right now / the reality of the situation. Doesn’t mean that you’re both not committed- the opposite actually. But it’s very hard to carve time out for the two of you to be - you. Is there opportunity to book a night out in advance / over the coming weeks - babysitter etc to head out and reconnect?

We don’t have family who can help out so do try to get a date night in every other month (sounds not enough which it’s not but better than nothing)….

Keep talking and plodding on. Probably he feels he’s doing all he can with the short time he has too. Not easy for either of you.

Sadly, yes.

There were mitigating circumstances and it was a very difficult time but we worked long and hard to get through it. I would be shocked if he would risk the fall out from something like that again. But then, people never fail to surprise me, even those we’re closest to.

but honestly, I don’t think it’s that. We’re at a stage of life where we have so much going on and not enough time.

I don’t think she’s unrealistic to want time with him, but when he’s only home for such a short period he’s going to want to see his children too.

So OP’s time with him needs to be at home when the kids are in bed - a takeaway and a bottle of wine, for example, so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on his kids even more.

Which is obviously a ridiculous piece of advice 🤣🙈

He doesn’t drink and eats clean. So no wine and takeaway for us. Maybe I’ll suggest a superfood salad and a herbal tea 🙄

But he can do both - family time during the day and then one-on-one time with OP in the evening. Even if he’s up at 5am they can still have a takeaway or a nice dinner.

I mean, there are healthy takeaways, or get a posh supermarket “fakeaway” and some posh mocktails. I’m sure there’s something you can do once the kids are in bed - films, board games etc.

butterycroissants

Sorry that’s what I meant- he can do both, I didn’t mean to the detriment of the family time, I just worded it clumsily!

Sorry if that came across as sarcastic. It was a poor attempt at humour. But he genuinely doesn’t drink or eats crap. But as you say, I’m sure we could find something. He does like an early night though 😬

It’s hard if you’ve been away traveling / on the road. Tbh I’ve done that also and the last thing you want to do after entertaining clients is go out / get a take out; especially if you have to get back on it the day after and do the whole thing again.
For me and this situ - chalk it down to a crap evening and when he gets back try to do something fun

How much parenting do you do when he’s around? To be honest, I would call him and say I keep asking for time with you and it’s at the point it’s humiliating. So from now on I’ll be focussing on time out for myself when you’re around to parent, you can let me know when you want to put some time into our marriage. And take a walk, plan coffee/dinner witb friends, go to the library, do a hobby. Every weekend. While he gets his precious family time and feeds them and looks after them. Let’s be honest, if he isn’t that into you any more then you do need to be into you and find your spark for yourself.

I would say 50-60%

Why can't you work too and he reduce his hours? Then you could have more family time.

I suppose I’m even more frustrated as he has time to go to the gym (albeit early in the morning), get his hair cut, see his physio/nutritionist, but if I ever suggest meeting him at lunch etc, he’s too busy

Because his earning potential is massively higher than mine, if he cut his hours (impossible in his role) and I took a part time job, we’d be hugely worse off

Is money the be all and end all? I'd hate to be with someone who worked all hours, spent no time with me/us while I did nothing. Who is happy in this scenario? I'd rather have less money.

So would I. But he would never agree to it. He grew up with nothing and wants to do better by his kids.

…but you are a bird in a gilded cage, helpless and at the mercy of this man’s whimsy.

He has you right where he wants you so why would he change?

Yes this was my response. Switch the sexes around (mum works hard, never sees kids, when she's home she wants to catch up with them ahead of spending time with husband) and people would say how petty the husband was being. Sorry.

I think you've both lost yourselves in parenthood and work.

He's built a career where he can't reduce his hours, and he's still trying to be a present and active father, and you've built your life around your children, and you don't want that to be your entire identity to him.

It's hard when the kids are young, they're not young forever.

Can the kids not stay with your mum or your mum stay over and you go to the gym together some mornings?

Just wanted to say, OP, that this sounds very lonely, and I absolutely don’t think you’re unreasonable to miss your DH’s company and find it hurtful that he seems to avoid couple time. It’s not what most people have in mind when they dream of having a family with someone they love.

I think you’re seeing his perspective and he’s not even remotely trying to see yours, and that really hurts.

I don’t have any advice, as if he won’t make any time for the two of you, that’s kind of that. But it might be worth spelling out what this means for your marriage - that if he doesn’t think it’s important to have any couple time whatsoever, you will gradually come to feel completely taken for granted as a domestic / parenting / sex bot and there will be a lot less in it for you to facilitate his life in these ways.

I know what you mean and can see that argument. Still crap from where I’m sitting though

I think you’re right. It’s such a crazy time and we are both trying to do the best we can in our own way, but I worry that our relationship is suffering because of it