To think a lot of MN are ableist?

[Sweetlifeofyours]

So I wasn’t going to post but as a mum with a disabled child myself I feel like I have to get things off my chest. I have read a couple of threads over the past week or so regarding mothers who are looking for advice and support for their disabled child/children (2 that stick out to me)

I was very sad to see that there were only a few posters who actually gave support and advice to the OP’s. The rest were in my opinion, downright rude and nasty and clearly just wanted to upset the OP’s even more for whatever reason.

As a mum with a SEN child, it is incredibly difficult and I myself don’t always get the correct help and support I need so to come on here and see that other women/parents show their (somewhat) true opinions of disabled children upset me.

I am completely 100% on board that autism shouldn’t be an excuse for everything, but surely some compassion wouldn’t go amiss to a struggling parent.

One of the worst things I read was a poster saying to the OP that they should make sure their child doesn’t turn into a sex offender because he enjoys hugs. Says more to me about the poster rather than the OP and their child.

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

If this was the one about making adjustments such as sitting by the window, the person having extra time and starting later the very vast majority said this was fine and was reasonable.

The part most people agreed with that didnt seem reasonable is that no one could drink coffee at their desk any longer because the ND person had a sensory concern.

People were reasonable. It wasn’t upsetting to understand that everyone not being able to drink coffee even in flasks wasn’t reasonable.

Reasonable adjustments are perfectly fine and I sincerely hope everyone would agree but it isn’t free license to be unreasonable to everyone else. There is a balance to be had for all
of the employees while still making reasonable adjustments.

We had a taxi to our primary school as we weren’t near a bus route and our nearest school with space was eleven miles away. Paid transport has been available and widespread for decades.

I agree.

My only point is that the pp was calling someone 'ableist' for simply stating a fact.

Feelings obviously run high on this subject and many others. People read too much into what others are saying. I think that accounts for at least some of the 'ableist' accusations on here.

I like that people can give their uncensored opinions. I appreciate hearing what people actually think.

Also dont understand why people who find mumsnet upsetting spend any time on here at all.

Of course adults should be able to be diagnosed. Why should women who went under the radar during childhood not get a diagnosis because of previous ignorance?

My DS attends a local specialist school run by an educational trust, technically “independent”.

He was thrown out of a private school in Reception, put on a reduced timetable in a leafy MS for 2 academic years, denied a place in the only 2 local specialist LA schools that said they could meet his needs (because they were massively overwhelmed by demand) and eventually given a place at his current school, which is “only” about 7 miles away. He travels by LA funded taxi and is the last to be collected (and first dropped off) because the other kids are from further away. Some have a 90 minute commute each way.

SEN mums are generally superhuman (because we have to be). However, even we would struggle to drive 30-odd miles with our SEN DC in one direction, before schlepping other DC to their MS in the other direction, before 9am, and again at 3.30pm, 5 days a week.

By all means campaign for greater specialist availability locally so SEN kids can use local schools. But until then, don’t remove the one service that actually means those children can receive the correct education.

Oh Simon, don’t come here talking sense and facts. You’re spoiling their fun.

The term “normal kids” is offensive I agree which is why I did not use it, the point about access arrangements is an option phrased in a tactful way, your snipping rather illustrates this point that discussion is stifled

It really is. Imagine being resentful of a disabled child receiving specialist education or transport to it. Or an adult being diagnosed with adhd. As if the world isn’t difficult enough without this prejudice and ignorance

Teachers aren't going to discuss other children with parents.

Yes, of course they should. My point was in previous editions of the DSM ADHD was a childhood condition. You couldnt be diagnosed as an adult. Now, correctly, you can. Thus, diagnostic criteria has broadened. More people are now being diagnosed. Saying this isnt ableist. Its just a fact.

I don't know why you keep picking on me, and seem to think I am on a war path against disabled people.

Having people who genuinely need help doesn't remove the claims from people who are not genuine, those who get unfair advantage, and play the "mental health" card to get ridiculous adjustments at work, or unlimited holidays and break. We all know people like this. It doesn't mean we dont' know genuine people too.

I don't know why we are ending up speaking about this, because I was talking on a thread about children and schools, but knowing of genuine cases doesn't stop the need to change the system and stop people from getting unfair advantage, and also make sure that the rest of the team doesn't get penalised because of adjustments given to one.

Actually lots of people on that thread were saying we’re saying that a compromise could be found and agreed with suggesting cups with lids, drinking it away from their desks, moving seats etc because everyone mattered, especially jally those who needed coffee due to adhd, ms…etc

I think with the post you are referring to - the perceived ableism came from the mums absolute inability to see what her son was doing was impacting the little girl and her absolute gloating that she ‘won’ and her son would be able to continue to invade the girls space even though she was clearly suffering. That little girl and the other thread where the girl had feaces smeared - those children deserve just as much support.

Our two both have additional needs, our daughter has cerebal palsy, more than one poster told me I was lucky she had been diagnosed as we could give her back to social care, one also sent me a private message about it. They were pregnant, so I imagine they would have dumped their baby at the nearest opportunity, that poster does moan that sometimes nanny isn’t there and they shock horror sometimes have to parent their own child.

A poster once said my husband was an abuser who was faking his (severe) physical disability because he asked me to iron a new bedding set and further proof he was faking it was him having a professional job. His poor professional colleagues have to be in the same room as someone with a disability, how very awful.

Quite a few MNers would have loved hitler.

I agree, but it seemed the anger was placed at the little boy and not the mum (OP)

of course not

but then we can't complain that a class TA who spends the majority of her time with one or 2 children brings a lot of complaints from other parents - asking when their own child gets the extra support they need. Fair and reasonable question.

That's when accusing everyone to be ableist is unreasonable.

Pip isn't an out of work benefit.

I don't work, i did for 15 years, as a Teaching Assistant, but thats because im a carer for my profoundly disabled 19yo DS, who if I didn't care for, would be IN care, and costing the NHS and Council a lot more than the £70 pittance I get paid for doing it.

But go off Queen..

It really makes you despair at humanity at times doesn’t it? But then I go back to my real life where my family, friends and work colleagues are on the whole lovely. I look at those that are spouting this awful stuff and feel sorry for them. Something must have gone wrong in their life somewhere, they must be unhappy and maybe need help themselves. They’re just dealing with it the wrong way, in a way that tries to bring others down, that makes them feel better for a while, but then they go back to their real life and it’s just as bad, so they do it again the next day. You have to pity them really because no happy and healthy thinking adult thinks, never mind says these things.

Yep. I've had some lovely comments as well.

My son is incontinent and one poster was completely outraged that he goes to a mainstream primary school because it's ''disgusting'' and he clearly belongs in a specialist school.

Just the other day I had a poster helpfully tell me that if she had a child with a disability and couldn't work, she'd move to a very basic house in a cheap location so she wouldn't have to claim UC.

I'm so sorry @Overthemhills that you had such a disgusting response to your child. My child is SEN and I'm severely disabled.

I can tell you people say the most disgusting things about trans people and gay men and yes they do get deleted but not banned.
There's a thread running re a mumsnet clean up. It might be enlightening.

The world has become more toxic and I've some terrible things posted to me ( last Christmas springs to mind when I was a lyng fraudster and disgusting excuse for a mother). I'd posted about some abuse from my adult son. I resulted to telling them to f*ck off as every other post was their made up narrative. Too arse lazy to read the thread. Probably pissed too!

Everyone’s brave behind a false name and a keyboard, you have to wonder where their life is falling short that they get satisfaction or even joy from their bile.

you know it's possible to question why free transport is not accessible to everyone and not only to a selected few, without being ableist.

My local schools have all staggered their start and finish times - it makes it possible for parents to manage children going to different schools. That's reasonable and helps everyone.

I am not sure if it's the same for every other area? My point was that many families need some adjustment and support or other. It's not being ableist to question and discuss those, and state the same help and adjustments must be offered to everyone.

I was involved in that thread. It was horrible. Some truly vile comments on there.

I agree with you OP.

Trying to whip up a massive problem is scaremongering against disabled children and very unpleasant.

Except it is true. Find a teacher and ask them how bad things are in school.

There are usually more than two children with disabilities or additional needs or behavioral problems in any class of 30. These are not bad children but they have challenges which mean they disrupt, or hurt other children regularly. Knowing that it is not the child's fault but the lack of funding that is the issue is no consolation to any parent or child.