Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

183 replies

MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:29

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 16/11/2025 17:22

MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:53

It doesn’t matter to me in a personal way. I think grief, identity and how people express emotion is something we don’t talk about honestly so I was asking the question rather than judging anyone. Everyone does cope differently and I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way.

Show quote history

You literally are saying exactly that

Barnbrack · 16/11/2025 17:23

MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:59

I don’t think I explained it clearly enough and it’s clearly not landing how I meant it, so I’m going to bow out here. Nothing I wrote was ever about deep or tragic bereavement and I genuinely wish you all well.

Show quote history

All grief feels deep and tragic to the people grieving

Mikart · 16/11/2025 17:51

UniteTheUnicorns · 16/11/2025 17:13

I think you are very lucky not to know about grief Op.

I lost a teenage DC to suicide 6 years ago. No one knew anything was wrong, so their death was like a grenade going off in my little world.

It is not something I will ever ‘get over’ or forget.

If you met me irl you wouldn’t know anything was wrong.

I work, I socialise, I smile and I go on holiday. On the surface everything is normal. My mask is firmly in place in public and for much of the time in private.

However I am a different person now. I keep going for my other Dc, but I think about my loss every day. I feel guilt and anger and sadness.

I talk about all of my children to friends and family. Most of them can look forward to many years together with their kids and that is as it should be. All I have of my lost Dc are memories and I am pathetically grateful when someone remembers their name or talks about them.

Am I the sort of person you are taking about?

I'm in the same position. I lie in bed at thinking " well that's another day I got through "... but not even dh knows I do that.

endofthelinefinally · 16/11/2025 20:03

UniteTheUnicorns · 16/11/2025 17:13

I think you are very lucky not to know about grief Op.

I lost a teenage DC to suicide 6 years ago. No one knew anything was wrong, so their death was like a grenade going off in my little world.

It is not something I will ever ‘get over’ or forget.

If you met me irl you wouldn’t know anything was wrong.

I work, I socialise, I smile and I go on holiday. On the surface everything is normal. My mask is firmly in place in public and for much of the time in private.

However I am a different person now. I keep going for my other Dc, but I think about my loss every day. I feel guilt and anger and sadness.

I talk about all of my children to friends and family. Most of them can look forward to many years together with their kids and that is as it should be. All I have of my lost Dc are memories and I am pathetically grateful when someone remembers their name or talks about them.

Am I the sort of person you are taking about?

This. So much this.

HellonHeels · 16/11/2025 20:09

Chattanoogachoo · 15/11/2025 21:17

I've had 4 deaths of close family in the past 2 years and I can honestly say I've never had a performative moment.Support has been minimal from anyone and people still cross the street to avoid me.What you describe bears no resemblance to anything I've experienced.

I want to reach across the void and tell you that I hear you and that I see your grief and loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss and that you've been let down by people who should support you Flowers

Twonewcats · 17/11/2025 02:02

MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:38

Because I’ve noticed (in real life and online) that some people almost build their identity around grief. Not everyone, of course, genuine grief is real and painful. But sometimes when the intensity eases or healing begins, it seems to unsettle them because the attention, sympathy or sense of purpose attached to the grief fades too. It just made me wonder whether, for a minority of people, the grief becomes about who they are now, not just what they’ve lost.

Show quote history

I've lost 2 people close to me in the past 6 months. I feel more alone than ever before. I have less attention than ever before. People have stopped contacting me, everyone else is moving forward, without understanding or caring or empathising with how sore I am.

Aweekoffwork · 17/11/2025 07:43

As human beings we experience pain much the same, I am guessing, and some people vocalise it and want everyone to know how they’re feeling, as part of the healing process, and others quietly internalise it and find their own ways of coping. Not everyone needs to be open and transparent about their feelings

OvenChick · 17/11/2025 21:01

There are some really bloody strong people on this thread. Thinking especially of bereaved parents and those who have had multiple bereavements close together. @MourningMirrorOtter are you coming back?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread