To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

[MourningMirrorOtter]

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

No, but some people are dramatic

Hopefully you'll never experience a dramatic loss then and find out about it.

I was going to say ‘no’.

But then I think I know what you’re getting at, because I know somebody who was a bit like this about a very serious illness she had as a teen.

Her life was touch-and-go for about three years in her later teens. Months and months in hospital, over a year out of school, lots of fundraising to get treatment for her, everyone at school and wider community knew who she was and what she was going through.

I met her for the first time in our mid 30s and she would quite often act a bit like she was ill or allude to the fact she had to look after herself, but then she also ran marathons and had a very active and stressful job, so was also clearly quite physically and mentally robust. I assumed she had a chronic condition of some sort. I eventually asked her, and she told me all about her teenage experience (which she totally recovered from, she had been well for 15 years at this point). She was perfectly well, but I think that being a high-profile invalid had quite a profound impact on her and it became part of her identity, how she saw herself and how she presented herself to others.

Grief is personal and isn't really for anyone else to police or control.

Honestly I have never ever experienced this nor had an inkling that anyone else's grief was performative.

I can imagine a situation where people express or perform grief where in reality the situation is more complicated, and can see why someone would want to keep their true feelings to themselves.

Grief to me is one of the most raw, vulnerable, all encompassing experiences one can have, and the other is love so obviously they are closely entwined.

I'm always curious though, the window other people's ideas provide into their own thought processes and personalities.

I definitely think people can get stuck in the grief process which then becomes unhealthy. Grief that isn’t processed healthily becomes unhealthy. But I don’t think it’s necessarily to do with attention. I think it’s people getting stuck in specific grief stages and needing help/support to deal with it.

I say that as someone who has lost both parents.

I think when you've been through something like that though, there's always the fear it could come back or a sense of not knowing what is around the corner for you. Obviously she was severely sick and that does leave you with a loss of trust in your body and what might happen in future.

I agree and know exactly what you mean.

I joined an online support group once for a medical issue i used to have and had to leave in the end because it became a competition about who had it worse. People made it their entire identity and far from being supportive it became quite toxic

One of my concerns is that I've been so busy making sure my other children are okay, that my own grief may not have been fully processed. So if it suddenly hits me in five years when a considerable amount of time has passed - it's because I finally have space to process what has been on hold. I don't think that's all that uncommon and it's a known thing. If anyone says, "She should be over it by now," it could be that I'm only just beginning to process what I couldn't before.

I joined a support group for bereaved parents. In real life, not online. I only lasted three meetings. I know some people find it hugely helpful. I didn't find the painfest helpful to me. That's just a reflection on anyone else but how I prefer to handle things though.

I was 22 when my son died, and 52 when my Dad died. Both times absolutely floored me - the sort of pain where you can't eat, can't sleep, can't function but somehow life has to go on. And slowly but surely you find a way to live around it.

I'd love to know how that was self centred

@sunkissedandwarm sorry to read your post

maybe it’s the old adage that if only good things happened to those who had faith and bad things happened to those who didn’t, EVERYONE would believe in God

That's true. My point is though that if there is a loving god who has the power to prevent unjust suffering and doesn't, do they care? I don't think so. I've seen too much.

Yes. I agree and i know grief well.

I think generally not when people were geniunely close to the deceased - it does a feel a bit off when you see people, especially online, making a huge show of grief about someone they don't seem to have any reason to have been that close to. Certainly seen some stories on MN of some people encountering others using second-hand grief for someone they have no apparent reason to be mourning so hard in an attention seeking way.

Where did it say he was young 🤔

My baby died almost 13 years ago and I don't stand around wailing about him and encouraging children who have never met him to wail about him either 🤷‍♀️

There is never ever a time when you will be “over it”.

I think of grief like a physical wound. At first it’s raw and agonisingly painful and you don’t think you’ll get through it and that it might genuinely kill you.

Slowly, a scab forms and then a song comes on the radio or you see something which reminds you of them and the scab gets ripped off and it’s a fresh wound all over again.

With time, the skin forms a scar. It’s not as raw as it used to be but you are changed and you will never be the same person again because you can see and feel the scar and it’s a constant reminder. You have to then learn to live with the scar.

Mine was a lot older than a baby and the loss has had profound effects on the siblings unfortunately. And I don't stand around wailing either. Not my style. Your children will eventually feel the loss in some way though, even though they never knew them. That might be precisely what they feel - the loss of ever knowing them.

I'm not going to judge anyone's grief. While in hospital with my child I befriended a mother going through the same journey with her same aged child. Our children died a couple of months apart. I was able to get on with life in my way, she ended up on the psychiatric ward. We all handle things differently.

Has anyone you love ever died?
Grief is real! And tales a very long time to get over. Actually I don't think you ever get over it, it changes you permanently.
It's not enjoyable in any way

Exactly. There will never be a time I'm over it. But what I was saying is that delayed grief is a thing. I worry I will experience that, having put a lot on hold to support my children with the loss of a sibling.

I think that I understand what you mean. I have an extremely emotionally immature relative that seems quite in love with her most traumatic life experiences, some of those include deep loss. I have witnessed her almost revelling in the losses of other people. I think it’s a deep seated incapability of dealing with her own feelings and it comes across as something she enjoys. I suspect the reality of it is very different.

OP you should read this book.

Just because it’s intertwined with identity as well as loss it doesn’t make it a performance.

I think what you’re saying is some people build a whole identify as the grieving (relative? Friend etc) and seem to enjoy the attention it brings, so almost don’t want that to stop. I think this will be a particular kind of person though, and these people will behave in this way over anything that brings attention. For example, i’m in some health groups and there’s a small number who build their entire identity around being sick, and i’m not sure what they’d do if they got better. It’s this kind of person that i’m sure you are referring to.