To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

[MourningMirrorOtter]

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

I think I might know something of what you mean, although your post might seem harsh to some.

Loss does become part of who we are. Sometimes it wells up completely unexpectedly.

I think sometimes as we resurface and come out of the intense period of loss, we feel disorientated and don’t know how to build a new life and, in effect, a new identity.

It might not be an appropriate analogy but I do remember being told by mental health professionals that the most dangerous time for suicide was not at the most intense time of depression and mental ill health but as they are recovering. This is because the person suffering has to face the future in a way they did not when they were completely overwhelmed.

Your post suggests to me that you have someone in particular in mind?

I get impatient with my own grief - I find it frustrating that it catches me unaware, I feel I should be done with it by now, I hate the public side of it that comes from the unexpected memories cause me to sob my heart out in the most random of places.

I have heard people refer to "grief vultures" - is that what you mean?

But my first thought was that grief is inevitably part of lots of peoples' identities. For example, losing a child, or losing a parent when young, or losing a loved one to suicide, or - any loss really. These things change you forever. Who are you or I to judge what someone's grief should look like?

I would guess you are annoyed at someone who posts a lot about a lost loved one(s) on social media. All you need to do, if you aren't going to give that person support, is move on.

I think you are some sort of bot. You don’t sound human.

I don’t think I explained it clearly enough and it’s clearly not landing how I meant it, so I’m going to bow out here. Nothing I wrote was ever about deep or tragic bereavement and I genuinely wish you all well.

How can you possibly know someone else’s internal motivations for their behaviour? You can’t possibly know that it is “more about attention or validation than the loss itself.” There are accounts on social media about grief which have grown into supportive communities not just for the bereaved but for others who have gone through a similar experience. Grief is isolating and attitudes like yours make it even more so. I wish that we could discuss death and grief more openly. I remain shocked to this day about how many people who I thought were friends couldn’t even manage to send condolences for the sudden unexpected death of my parent, and seemed to think they should just pretend nothing happened. Get a grip.

You know grief isn't linear, it can come in such tremendous waves at the oddest of things. My DM died a few years ago and for some reason the Amazon Christmas ad had me sobbing yesterday. I've seen it tons of times but for some reason it triggered grief. I wasn't even feeling sad.

You need to read up about grief. Its called complicated grief when someone can't move past the grief. They deserve sympathy and support not derision.

There's another one running at the moment about 'do people only do the right thing when someone is watching.'

There really needs to be a name for these types of provocative, easy to identify the pattern, bullshit OPs with their word soups, feinting in subsequent posts and then disappearing like snow.

This thread is particularly cruel, unpleasant and hurtful to anyone grieving.

My heartfelt sympathies to anyone on this thread who has suffered the agony of loss.

Grief changes the very fibre of who you are as a person - especially when the loss is a person who’s had a very present role in your life.
When I lost my person, I simply couldn’t comprehend a world without her in it - because it’s something I’d never known. She was there from the very moment I was born, and I don’t think I ever went longer than a couple of days without speaking to her. For months afterwards, I’d instinctively pick up my phone, scroll to her name in my contacts and then remember she wasn’t going to be on the other end of the phone.
Even now, 3 years later, her loss still feels really fresh sometimes - certain things mentioned in conversation, or going to certain places etc bring up all those feelings of grief all over again. So yes: I guess that grief has become a part of my personality in a sense, but not in the performative way your initial post tried to perpetuate.

I think people are misunderstanding what you mean, but I think I know. I think social media has a lot to answer for (as usual). I follow a couple of accounts which started as interiors/mum blogging and due to sad events are now ‘grief pages’. One mum very tragically had a stillborn baby a few years ago, and she still posts about her loss and grief every day. She’s had another baby since, and while I completely respect her right to grieve as she sees fit, I wonder about the effect it has on her children and her own MH. Every birthday, Christmas, or anniversary, she has them write letters to their late sibling, or draw pictures, or release balloons. She talks to them a lot about their sibling and films it for the account. Every time they have a group photo one of them has to hold a photo of their late sibling to include her. She recently said one of her children seems to be depressed and cries a lot about it, and although it feels awful to admit, I did wonder if being trapped in this endless cycle of remembrance and grief is good for them - a few years is a long time for a 7 year old, and I wonder if their grief would’ve healed better with time and without quite so many reminders.

I also think she herself may feel like now she’s started the account and has so many followers, she can’t really slow it down.

I do get what you are saying or trying to say but i also know it varies so much from person to person. There are people that cannot “move on” because their grief is so intense whereas for others it’s just different

Backpeddling like mad aren't we OP

Yes, grief can make you self-centred.

But you know what, if you suffer a real bereavement - if you lose someone who really matters to you - if you go through that and act like your best self, you're some kind of saint or robot.

You never get over real loss. You have to find a way to live around it, and in doing so, you become a different person.

If you're lucky, your friends still love you regardless. They acknowledge that you're a nicer, more compassionate person normally, but your cup for dealing with life's crap is overflowing and you're in survival mode.

If you're unlucky, they don't understand and they post threads on MN about you.

If facebook was a pub.....

I lost my son 12 months ago. You wouldn't know if you met me.
I mask well. But you know, my life now is all about keeping ME sane and positive. I hope you are never in this position.

That's a pretty deep analysis for someone you notice online.
I call BS, just another goady post.

That made me tear up because I know exactly what you mean. You get to a point where you're "fine", but little, random things will still catch you out. And sometimes, you're really surprised what you're ok with, and what makes you cry.

I used to inwardly roll my eyes every time someone cried at something I didn't think was particularly sad - like a children's movie. These days, my emotions sit so much closer to surface.

I think having spent so much time crying, my body has created some kind of defence system where if anything upsets me now, I'm so much quicker to cry. You cry out stress hormones, so crying - rather than being all British stiff upper lip - is actually good for you.

And now, by the end of writing this message, that initial sharp pain of shared grief has lessened. I really did judge people for crying at the drop of a hat when I was younger. These days, I think they're really smart and have learnt the best way to process their emotions so they can function and keep going.

PS I've never deleted the phone number either. I don't think I'll ever bring myself to do so.

OP it's not for you to decide what is deep or tragic. That's the point.

I know a family whose uncle died well before any children were born. So they never met. Ever. He died around 20 years ago.

Yet they all tall about him like he died last week, their are neices who have never met this man yet sob uncontrollably when their mum brings him up ( frequently ) and she sobs uncontrollably too. Their front garden is full of memorial things about him

It's beyond grieving him at this point and just about performing and getting attention

To the people on this thread who have lost children and other loved ones, I’m so so sorry. There aren’t words.

I’ve always thought I’m a bit emotionally broken tbh - even now, I don’t cry easily…..but when I do? It’s usually something that seems really minor to other people, but for me there’s a deep rooted reason - crystallised ginger at Christmas for example 🤷🏻‍♀️ My DH bought me some last year and I burst into tears because it reminds me of the special Christmas shopping trips with my person, munching crystallised ginger in the bus on the way home.
Feels really stupid on the surface - crying over ginger! But it’s not.

It could be that what you describe is actually part of the grief.

I've cried over a Dove gift set. My mum always had several sets for Christmas and it was a running joke. I miss her.