To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

[MourningMirrorOtter]

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

Sheesh. You’ve obviously never experience significant loss. It’s absolute agony.

Oh.

That’s an interesting take.

Why do you say that OP?

I think it partly is about identity - how you find out who you are once the part of the life with your loved one has ended.
Most things we feel ARE self centred.
However , I don't think people fall in love with grief at all. It's not enjoyable to grieve so heavily.

Maybe, but equally, sometimes people get impatient with other people’s grief because they don’t have the empathy to understand it’s real and not something you can choose.

Because I’ve noticed (in real life and online) that some people almost build their identity around grief. Not everyone, of course, genuine grief is real and painful. But sometimes when the intensity eases or healing begins, it seems to unsettle them because the attention, sympathy or sense of purpose attached to the grief fades too. It just made me wonder whether, for a minority of people, the grief becomes about who they are now, not just what they’ve lost.

Grief is an awful experience and not one I would wish on anyone. It rips everything about you asunder and sometimes the pieces don't come back together. Theres no time frame for grief and you can't help but be changed by it.

Grief changes a person forever. Everyone's timeline is different.

It's been nearly 2 years since I lost one of my kids. I'm still grieving, I rarely talk about it IRL but it's obvious and I'm glad the people around me understand and treat me with kindness for as long as I need.

I spent time with a mother recently who lost her son 8 years ago. She's in and out of mental health facilities, the pain of her loss oozes out of her. Shes struggling to come to terms with it. You would call it performative. Should she just get over it already?

You do not get to dictate how people grieve. One day you'll be in that place and need people. So I'd probably keep these feelings to yourself IRL.

Sure, some people do, but what's that matter to you? If everyone's doing the best they can in life, some will be doing some things better than others, and on it goes.

Have you ever lost someone close to you? My dh has lost both parents. He was broken. He was only in his 25 when he lost his mum. His grief was not a performance. It did not become his identity. Changed his outlook on life some what.

@gamerchick I'm so very very sorry for your terrible loss.

Because I’ve noticed (in real life and online) that some people almost build their identity around grief

I really don't recognise this and it's not something I've ever noticed.

Yabvu op

Agree with pp that grief can change a person so agree with you that grief can be about identity as well as loss. But I don’t think people commonly lean into grief for attention.

Nothing about what I said was aimed at situations like that. Deep grief, especially after losing a child, is in a completely different category and I would never minimise it.

My point was about something much smaller and more surface-level that I’ve seen in a few people, where the grief becomes tied to identity or attention, not the grief itself but the social performance behind it. That’s very different from real, life-altering grief. I agree everyone’s timeline is their own.

But sometimes when the intensity eases or healing begins, it seems to unsettle them because the attention, sympathy or sense of purpose attached to the grief fades too.

Sorry, but this is a moronic statement.

I belong to a widows and widowers support group, and the one thing you learn from talking to others in the same boat, is that we can all experience grief differently. Grief never goes away, we can just try to cope with it as best we can. You might think everything's okay, then years later, grief can hit you with an intensity that can leave you weeping every day ... in secret.

No one's experience of grief is better or worse than another's and it's not for you, or anyone else, to judge how a person handles their grief.

Your judgey post says a lot about your lack of empathy and understanding towards a grieving person.

Well said and I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my son twelve years ago and the pain never goes or diminishes. If you’re lucky you find a way to deal with it but it reoccurs in intensity at any time. Op please don’t tell people how they can or can’t grieve.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t wish grief on anyone. The initial pain is excruciating and everyone processes it in different ways and timescales. I don’t judge.

It doesn’t matter to me in a personal way. I think grief, identity and how people express emotion is something we don’t talk about honestly so I was asking the question rather than judging anyone. Everyone does cope differently and I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way.

You'll have to explain what you mean. Do you have any examples? Something has sparked you off making a thread.

Grief from losing someone you love(d) deeply changes a person forever, and changes the whole landscape of their life. It comes with real physical symptoms and then emotional waves that knock you can still come out of the middle of nowhere years and years later. The death of each loved one, its timing, the manner of the death, the individual who died, the relationship lost, all of these things affect that grief. People carry their grief with them all their lives, but usually not openly. I think British culture (English, Welsh and Scottish) lacks many of the mourning rituals that might make one’s grief an easier, or perhaps a less lonely journey. You should keep your attitude to yourself. I suspect any grief stricken person will swiftly learn to keep a distance from you anyway.

You have clearly never experienced real grief. Totally unreasonable. Read the room.

I’m not saying that genuine grief is performative or that loss becomes anyone’s identity by default. I meant that occasionally you see people who shift into a public-facing version of grief for reasons that are more about attention or validation than the loss itself, not that this is the norm and certainly not about people who are genuinely bereaved. The vast majority of grief is real, raw and deeply personal.

You sound young, judgemental, and lacking in emotional depth. Can you describe any specific examples of what on earth you mean? It’s none of your business how someone else grieves anyway. If you can’t be supportive then just move along and make way for someone who can.

Op, I don't really want to dignify such rubbish with a response. All I can say is you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about and shame on you.