To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

[MourningMirrorOtter]

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

@Monmkeymamkymonky It's very easy to look at that family, I'm sure, and say "Oooh how weird and dysfunctional" but actually it's just very, very sad and they (the adult who was bereaved of their brother) are dealing with it in their own way. It's not great if it affects the children negatively but it won't be the parents' intention. I have an uncle who I never met, he was murdered and his body was never found. I feel very sad when I think about him because of the awful circumstances and because of how it affects my parent.

I think getting upset is very different to public wailing though,

I'm sorry about your uncle. My first baby died 2 hours after he was born, I've since had 2 other children and although their aware of him, they have never got emotional about him ( afaik ) and I assume that's because I've never got emotional about him infront of them

We had the same thing with my dad and the big blocks of Dairy Milks at Christmas. Last year I walked around Tesco in tears because I accidentally bumped into them and it hurt so bloody much.

When I say cried I mean I walked around getting my shopping and kept wiping involuntary tears away, rather than sat in the aisle and howled the although that was tempting . I certainly wasn't trying to be performative or whatever other bollocks the OP might label it as.

No, and I think you're very judgemental about how people grieve. People who judge you not to grieve in the 'right way' are awful and have probably never (yet) experienced real loss.

I lost a child a good few years ago now and it is totally part of who I am today. It does change and shape identity. I am most definitely not performative about it. If I never had to tell anyone, I'd never tell anyone because it's personal and it's painful to share. I'd rather hide away and keep it to myself.

But it's hard to keep it to yourself because people ask prying questions about your children and what they do. If people would stop asking those questions, it would be much easier to keep it to yourself because you're not forced to disclose it. Disclosing it also comes with the risk that the person finds your loss to hard too know about and decides not to be a friend or social contact anymore, because they are unable to put their own discomfort aside in the face of your loss. (No loss to me, those kind of people really, but it does affect how easy it is to form social connections because you don't know if the person is safe or will run).

In honesty, I want to hide and it takes a real effort to be social and meet new people. I don't want to tell you about my loss and I definitely don't wear it on my sleeve. If you don't accept my dismissive explanation of what my children are doing and push me to the point I can't avoid telling you, if it's the wrong day, I might burst into tears when I tell you. That's on you, not me. And who cares? It's not performative, I can't help it in that moment. If that makes you uncomfortable and makes you end our friendship, then you are the selfish one who is self-centered. At least I can sit with people's pain and tears, even before I had my own loss, because I can centre their feelings, not mine.

It's impossible for some losses not to shape who you are as they are so profound.

I do see where you're coming from tbh.

It's like women who keep getting pregnant because they miss having people fuss over them and can't handle it when they no longer have a cute newborn. A friend of mine even admitted to me that's how come she's got 7 kids! As soon as she was running out of time to have more babies, she started getting cute puppies!

I'm a widow and joined a group called WAY UP which helped me through the first few years.

I like the saying that grief is love with nowhere to go. It's not just missing the person, it is also what they are missing. My husband is missing the arrival of our first grandson, I do feel very sad about it.

I was with my husband for 38 years and when he died my whole future changed, I was 59. I thought I'd be OK financially as I was expecting my pension at 60 - I'd not received the letter telling me it would be 66. I'm 68 now and had to sell our family house and spend all of our savings during the six year wait. I've not managed to save much since as the cost of living has increased so much.

Queen Victoria springs to mind. Performatively mourning for decades even while shagging her equery or whoever he was.

@sunkissedandwarm Your post truly says it all and is so beautifully written.

What?! Do you mean Abdul??

It’s not a fashionable coat that you can parade around in or take it off whenever you feel like it though.

It’s a bone drenched forever a wound.

This is a bit of a cuntish post, isnt it.

Who are you to sit in judgment of others' grief. Count yourself lucky - you seem to have no idea of the pain of loss and grief.

Oh look, another Mumsnet thread about being performative.

Goody.

Of course you build your identity around grief.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Your grief is the only certainty you have about who you are now. If you're going to build a new identity it's all you have to start from.

You grieve for the person you have lost but you also grieve for the life you had when they were alive. Just leave people alone to cope how they see fit. Sorry it doesn’t fit in with your idea with how people should grieve but it’s none of your business.

I can only assume the OP has never lost anyone that’s knocked the stuffing out of them

Regardless, grief hurts like hell, have empathy

Her brother died young and she dares to remember him? How utterly awful for you 🤦‍♀️

I think i get what you mean OP. Genuine grief is devastating and I find it distasteful when I see certain people on Instagram etc seeming to capitalise on it and trying to make it their career.

Some people grieve very quietly without broadcasting it to everyone they meet. I have felt the pain of grief (many times) but I have never felt the need to vocalise it or demonstrate it in my behaviour. I have always had to get on, no wallowing in a dark corner for me…

I think grief in England is very weird in the main. As you point out, your expected to be tight lipped and get over it. Your expected to only show upset when it touches you directly.

It's very unhealthy to not show or feel grief. My mum lost three children. She had no counciling or therapy, she just got pregnant again asap. She was expected to suck it up. But that pain defined her. And me. And all of us as a nuclear family. You would never have seen her cry. Ever. You would have seen her drink though.

I went to my cousins funeral. They was in there 20's. I put on my sunglasses and bit my lip like a true Brit.

It's not like this in Ireland where death isn't a shameful vulgar conversation. When people I know die, they seem to cease to have ever existed. Because no one ever mentions their name again.

So I'd never judge anyone's grief journey as my experiences are not healthy either.

You don't get to categorise what kind of bereavement is worthy of as you call it, "real life altering grief". How do you know what effect a loss has in somebody ?
How dare you call grief attention seeking.
Performative🙄.......you have clearly never experienced loss.

I lost a sibling. It was life changing in the sense that it was and still seems completely unbelievable. My grief wasn't and isn't performative. No one would who didn't know my history would know. It's loss pure and simple. I would honour anyone's method of coping with loss.

While I don't want to minimise the loss of parents, that at least is in the natural order. It's hard to lose them and painful, and life is different with a generation now missing, but we all know it is likely to happen sometime.

I think the most difficult losses are usually a spouse or child. When I think of the loss of my child, I get a quick flash of all the hospital stays and the three year journey before we lost her. I see all her friends now getting married and having babies, like she might have been.

I've seen friends lose spouses and my DH is having some health struggles right now. I'm not that old really and have had to consider the potential that I might have a few decades of having to live life without my soulmate by my side. It's a sudden change of perspective I never say coming. Widowhood is still more in the natural order than a child though. You know one of you is going to lose the other eventually.

The thing with grief is I think it's cumulative. Each loss builds on the other. How I respond to that is part of my identity and shapes who I am now, for better or worse. Even if it's inconvenient for people like OP who would prefer it affects me differently. At least people are more understanding of the loss of parents and spouses. Children are just too hard for most people to handle. That makes it a lonely journey. Hard enough without being told you're doing it wrong.

I wouldn't wish grief on anyone. we lost my fil 8 years ago now and its still as hollow as it was then. it changed both me and my husbands lives forever. we didn't have performative grief but had days apon days of just struggling on and keeping face. you learn to live with it little things remind me of him which make me well up and have a little cry in private. he is not there to join us in lives special moments. Xmas is not the same. I have friends and work colleagues also lost someone no one does what you have siad. one of our neighbours lost her son in a bad accident she still goes about her day stops and chats to you but you can see it.in her eyes it's there. I wouldn't wish grief on anyone

My mum used to call people professional mourners, or say their tears were for show.

It said more about her than it said about them.

I accept there are some who wallow or use their grief for attention, but they are the minority when it comes to the number of people grieving.

I've had 4 deaths of close family in the past 2 years and I can honestly say I've never had a performative moment.Support has been minimal from anyone and people still cross the street to avoid me.What you describe bears no resemblance to anything I've experienced.