Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

Op if sleep training is not for you just crack on. Cannot see the point of your thread TBH .

I only “showed” him in the sense that he saw me and everyone else walking, I didn’t specifically show him anything and most definitely didn’t teach him. A child developing normally will learn to walk given the right opportunities with no teaching needed.

do you consider that you taught them to crawl? If not why not?

Put to bed at the roughly same time every night, story, cuddle, gradually less over time.

I didn’t sleep train. I completely had the same views as you and prioritised responsiveness to my child out of concern for their long term welfare. I was a terrible sleeper as a child and remember multiple nights laying in bed miserable because I had to stay in there when I’d had a bad dream etc…

I now have primary aged DCs who get up and need me multiple times a night. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in 8 years. I am exhausted.

I wish I had done something a bit more.. not necessarily sleep training from young, but found some sort of happy medium.

although tbh anyone who is judgy about parenting choices done in best interests is a dick, sleep training or not.

It’s completely your choice op and if you are coping then that’s great.
We did gradual retreat sleep training at 9 months because I was solely responsible for my DD overnight 80% of the time and felt like I was slowly going insane through sleep deprivation. I didn’t really want to do it and hated hearing my daughter cry but her sleep improved so much, we were all much happier. I was a much happier and better mum during the day.

Ooh, goody, one of these ones!

Please please oh wise @Houseshmouse explain why my sleep trained son started sleeping through the night four days after sleep training, but will still cry out if he is ill/teething/has a nightmare?

It's ever so confusing because I've been assured by delightful people like you that he's silently weeping at these times?

Please help, oh wise one! I don't understand!

I assume you meant newborns? If so not relevant here as the OP s baby is nearly a year okd

Totally agree. It's all a bit goady tbh (you do know your baby will be brain damaged if you sleep train?) and I don't see why it's anybody else's business except op and op's oh. I don't believe people keep telling her she's in the wrong - she comes over as not only knowing what's best for her baby (quite rightly) but what's wrong for everyone else's - you'd only mention it to her once to wish you'd zipped it.

OP, what you're doing suits your little family and works perfectly for you. Perhaps avoid mentioning sleep to those who do it differently?

I’m hoping your thread wasn’t intended as a passive aggressive dig at those who do choose to sleep train. Please don’t assume you’re a superior parent because you can cope with chronic sleep deprivation while others can’t.

I (gently) sleep trained my DD when she was around 8 months because I was no longer able to function on the amount of sleep I was getting. I recall fantasising about stepping into traffic and getting hit by a car so I could go to hospital, as at least I’d be able to sleep there. I honestly think I would have harmed myself, or, god forbid, DD if we hadn’t done something. I was referred to the local mental health team with suspected PND, which disappeared as soon as I stated getting a decent amount of sleep - turned out it wasn’t PND, it was the sleep deprivation. Gentle sleep training was the best decision I made both for myself and DD, as it enable me to bond with and parent her properly.

Also, the ‘they just stop crying because they’ve learned you won’t come’ thing is a myth. DD is 10 now and has always still called out if she needs me in the night.

This is my fear! Because as a family we are all happy with the arrangement now. I always slept very well as a child so I don’t have experience of that.

Once again the first post nails it.

I’m not sure which of those things you’re worried about (that poster’s experience as a child, or as a mother), but we sleep trained DD and she would always come in if she had a bad dream etc. (She also sleepwalked on occasion, often into our room where she would rabbit some gibberish at us and then we’d put her back to bed and she’d fall back asleep.)

Stop thinking that sleep training means ignoring your child from 7am to 7pm. It doesn’t!

People shouldn't be telling you how to raise your child and I'm not going to tell you to sleep train. Its entirely your choice and i wouldnt judge you either way!

But alongside the risks you mention of sleep training, i would just also consider the long term potential risk to the child's mental and physical health of not having good sleep. And to yours! The importance of setting good sleep patterns for life. I was a terrible sleeper as a child and it all came to a head at uni when I needed sleeping tablets to break the cycle.

I sleep trained because I simply could not take any more sleep deprivation. I did it earlier than you. Since then both my girls slept from 7pm-6/7am. Bliss.

Yes ours would wander in if thunder or bad dream. I’d do what my mum did and let them climb in to our bed for a cuddle and then take them back or they would actually get too hot and go back themselves!

I get where you're coming from, OP. My health visitor insisted that we would have to sleep train in the end. A couple of friends also said similar, but I quickly learned not to discuss it with people if I didn't have to!

My dd was also "sensitive", and I knew that there was no way that she would just cry for around 10 mins and then give up and go to sleep. She just wasn't wired that way, and the more likely outcomr is that she would worked herself into a massive state that would have just kept escalating the longer we had left her.

More to the point, I just didn't want to leave her to manage those big feelings on her own. Instinctively, I knew that that wasn't the kind of parent that I wanted to be, and I wasn't prepared to do it. That isn't a criticism of those who make different choices, but it is just how I felt.

Co-sleeping was the solution for us, and we carried on with it for as long as dd needed that security. Again, I realise that this wouldn't be for everyone, but it worked really well for us.

DD is a young adult now, and I have no regrets about how we managed that period. She is very independent, very confident and emotionally very healthy. We also have a very close relationship. Of course, we will never know how things would have turned out if we had done things differently, but I'm confident that our approach didn't damage her in any way!

Just follow your own instincts, OP - you know your own child, so do whatever you feel is best. And just gloss over the sleep question if other people ask...

My sleep trained DDs are also independent, intelligent, successful , emotionally intelligent and close to us too. They are also great sleepers!

Yes, and I specifically stated that we don't know how dd would have turned out if we had done things differently. My point was not to suggest causation, but merely to point out that not sleep training doesn't appear to have done my dd any harm.

I'm not judging anyone who did things differently. They were parenting different children and presumably made choices that they considered to be "best" for their children.

The only times I have encouraged it are when I've had friends who are absolutely making themselves ill, run ragged, and miserable because they've heard that it's wrong to sleep train.

Normally I don't care what people do, and obviously it's up to them. But sleep training can definitely be the lesser of two evils. When I've had friends who are severely sleep deprived and not functioning and hating every second, it's just not worth it.

The perversion with sleep training threads seems to be the older baby/toddler/child who wakes up every night crying - often multiple times - is deemed to be a much happier and well adjusted than the baby/toddler who sleeps well. Sleeping well is seen as being so emotionally deadened that you have given up on crying, rather than you just like your sleep. I feel that I’ve been lucky insomuch as while with all my babies I’ve found the first 3 months tough, and up to 5/6 months I had an expectation of a night feed, all my babies have slept well enough for me to get my 8 hours from 6ish months bar illness, teething, growth spurts . They haven’t been “trained” but that didn’t stop snarky remarks like “oh…I just really feel it’s best to be…responsive..” etc like I’m Hitler if my kids are lazy or settled. So much of motherhood is this. The helpful, unhelpful, passive aggressive advice and openly rude remarks continue to slide in and before you know it it’s changed from weening and potty training to higher education choices and mortgages. For some reason women who would happily ignore or accept unsolicited advice in other areas of their lives refuse to ignore parenting advice even when, like the OP, they are absolutely confident in their choice. They may not follow it but they don’t ignore it either. You don’t want to sleep train - don’t - but we are social creatures and a perfectly normal response to “my toddler and I are exhausted and cranky - we haven’t had a good nights sleep in our entire lives” then “you need to get that kid sleeping longer at night” is as valid a response as anything else. I suppose the secret is, if you aren’t looking for a solution, don’t share the problem.

DD1 is very sensitive and as a result, she took to sleep training like an absolute pro. She’s just turned 4 now and other than being a natural early riser, her sleep hygiene is impeccable. She is so in tune with her sleep needs she will choose if she wants a story or not based on how tired she is.

Sleep training isn’t for everyone but I do agree with PP’s that sleep is also a life skill we should be assisting our children to develop (in what ever method we choose). I’m not saying people won’t have bad sleepers the same as people have fussy eaters, turbulent emotional regulation etc but with all of those things we implement strategies.

Also agree that if you’re saying ‘DC sleeps terribly’ or words to that effect, people will feel compelled to tell you what worked for them. My general approach is not to whine about my kids, but speak factually about what’s difficult (because it doesn’t do anyone good to believe others have everything nailed).

Basically - do what you want but have some insight into your part in these conversations.

I didn’t teach to crawl no. I did teach to walk. Most kids don’t just walk without being coached. And the crawling question…. Evolution innit

I don’t believe at all that most kids won’t walk without being taught. So if we didn’t teach children to walk they would just crawl forever? It doesn’t make any sense. I definitely did not teach mine to walk. As a previous poster said,
how would you even go about teaching that? What are you showing them with regards muscles and balance? I wouldn’t know where to start.

This is so weird 😂

This is what I was searching for. Thank you.

In an attempt to clear the air as this forum seems to have generated a heated debate (in hindsight, inevitably) - I honestly do not judge those that choose to sleep train. I understand why and if I had a less sensitive baby number two, and felt that to protect my family’s sanity that sleep training would help - and that outweighed what I perceive to be the potential risks - maybe I would sleep train. I am not trying to be passive aggressive.

What I do judge, is when I have these conversations - others don’t seem to appreciate that my decision is one I have come to from doing a lot of research. They assume I am an ignorant, over protective first time mum.

My baby was in NICU when he was born and almost died. And I believe that has made him particularly sensitive because his nervous system was dysregulated when he was young. I don’t want to add to that by being - what I perceive to be - unresponsive. And by unresponsive I am referring to gradual withdrawal or CIO.

The purpose of this post was absolutely to vent my frustrations and to use it as an outlet. It was also to gain some reassurance from those that share my view, have been through it, and can vouch if they stand by their decision now their DC is older - because like all mums (surely?) .. I question whether what I am doing is right - particularly when it seems to be against the grain of modern western society.