Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

... I'm not sure what your point is. Babies die the world over from bedsharing. And the practice being common doesn't undo the evidence that even when people bedshare as safely as possible, it's still more dangerous than following safe sleep practices.

Sorry but this is as silly as saying 'half the world don't use seatbelts' as a way of trying to suggest it's okay not to use them here too. We know better. We can do better. Babies deserve that.

It’s not sleep deprivation if they are getting the amount of sleep that they need overall. If for some reason they are not able to sleep in the night they will make it up by sleeping more the next night or during their naps in the days. Obviously this can leave to sleep deprivation for the parent, which is a genuine concern. For us personally co-sleeping solved this problem.

@DarkPassenger1 “But it's a hell of a gamble to take. If you end up with a 5yr old, 8yr old that is waking throughout the night unable to fall asleep by themselves, or a teenager that struggles to get to sleep, you will look back and wish you'd done it when they were a baby.”

If you are happy with what you did that’s great but this is just not true.

There’s absolutely no good evidence that sleep training as a baby has a positive impact on sleep in later childhood or the teenage years. The characteristics of the child and the home environment/bed time routine in those later years are what impact a child or teenager’s sleep. Children and teens who are neurodiverse are more likely to have sleep difficulties. Children and teens in homes that lack structure (eg when parents allow them to stay up all night on a screen) are more likely to have sleep problems. It’s nothing to do with whether they were sleep trained as babies.

My daughter is 4. I lie next to her every night at bedtime and she falls asleep within 10 minutes. She sleeps through the night in her own bed. We never sleep trained. I’m glad I had access to factual information and studies about biologically normal infant sleep when she was a baby as there is so much false information spewed on the internet.

But the rules change all the bloody time. In 20 years people will be saying " oh you shouldn't be letting a baby sleep in a cot because so and so"

When my brother was born parents were told to put them to sleep on their front, when I had DD1 a decade later it was on the side, By time I had DS it's on the back.

I'm sure it will change agin

Right. You have to lie next to your 4 year old so she can go to sleep? Not really something to aspire to.

What happens if you can’t lie next to her?

Whoever else is looking after her lies next to her? Why do you imagine this to be such a problem?

We read one book, then she falls asleep. Altogether it normally takes less than 15 minutes. It’s actually one of my favourite times of the day.

This, I think a lot of people think sleep training is just let them cry it out.

Our DC was a terrible sleeper, never all the way through and was an early riser at 5am most mornings (still is), so we just helped him settle, pat him, stay with him until he was quiet, the leave, he would maybe shout for us about 5 mins later, repeat repeat repeat. He was never left to cry, but it worked and we were able to then put him down and if he woke in the night he would either soothe himself or go back with a little pat. It took about a solid week of consistency.

I would assume some of your friends may think of a more gentle approach. It depends on your family, we were both working full time and could not function anymore on such little sleep, it wasn’t good for anyone.

If you don’t have a problem with it then that’s fine. But I’m guessing she can’t fall asleep without someone actually lying with her. Lots of parents wouldn’t really want to go down that route.

That's fine if only one child. Doesn't work so well if you have 3 of them. Or takes ages and your evening ruined constantly

Of course I have no problem with it. If you would, why? I’m in there reading her a book anyway, it literally takes a few minutes and she’s very sweet and cute as she falls asleep.

Adults: I need window open, white noise, no screens after 6, no caffeine after 2, eye mask, podcast, husband cuddling me to sleep well.

society: fine I guess

children: I need the person I love most in the world to lie beside me for 15 minutes while I fall asleep

society: RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. ROD FOR YOUR OWN BACK. YOU NEED TO TRAIN THAT OUT OF THEM

If you don't want to sleep train then don't. It's your life.

Personally, I managed to get both my kids sleeping through the night from ~6 months. Sleeping training was amazing for my and my children's wellbeing.

I know people with 3+ year olds dealing with night wakes. If they're happy and can handle it, then more power to them. Not for me though.

I guess you only have one child and are there every night. Bit of a rod for your own back.

I don’t think lying with children until they go to sleep is the best idea. Imagine if you had 3 kids….and worked late or needed to go away.
Each to their own though.

I can’t comment on what it would be like to have multiple children as I only have the one — I imagine it’s more complicated putting multiple children to bed either way. But the point is she sleeps great overall, it works for us as a family, she’s not sleep deprived, and I have no regrets.

Yanbu it’s not their business

I tried to sleep train mine, it worked with one it didn’t with the other and I didn’t sleep properly for five years in total.

they sort themselves out eventually, but you should be prepared for the long haul

are you going back to work soon?

It’s not a rod for my own back, literally anyone who I trust to put her to bed can lie with her and it’s fine.

Anyway, this is a massive sidetrack as the point is she’s not at all sleep deprived and her sleep still works fine for us as a family, in spite of all the fear-mongering above about how not sleep training will lead to children that never sleep and are exhausted all day at school nursery.

Yes with one child…wouldn’t really work with two. So yes it’s not very relevant.

I’m waiting for someone to come and tell me she’ll need me to fall asleep with her when she’s 18 so won’t be able to go off to uni or go live with a partner 😂. Always one!

It’s relevant to the fact that absolutely none of the outcomes regarding her sleep deprivation have panned out. I appreciate the logistics of managing multiple children are a factor but it’s unrelated to the initial claims that children never learn to sleep properly and become sleep deprived.

Anyway, I imagine if I had two my husband and I would tag team, or the children would go to bed at different times and I’d do one and then the other, or we’d all lie in bed and they’d fall asleep together, or I’d work it out some other way. From what I gather when people have multiple children their needs and schedules often don’t line up and you just need to work around it. This would be no different.

Sounds great! Lovely way to spend an evening….

I’ve never told anyone to do it but we did it at about 13/14 months. I was so sad, felt so sorry for my baby as they cried for 2 nights for an hour or so on and off. BUT they soon started to sleep through and go to sleep easily and I’m so glad we did it. Sleeping well is a massive gift to them and you. The tales of parents with 9 year olds who won’t go to sleep are so alien to me because both of mine sleep so well.

I love that you are being sarcastic but actually lying beside the little people you love while they go to sleep feeling safe and loved is actually a lovely way to spend an evening ?!

Yes if it’s a choice. But if you’re home alone and trying to get 3 kids to sleep. Might not be the best plan.

Or if you need to go out and you want someone else to lie with all your kids whilst they get to sleep. But if that’s genuinely how you want to spend your evening and don’t mind that’s what will need to happen every evening go for it.

In the meantime parents are tired, need to cook themselves dinner, maybe actually have a chance to chat to each other, sort laundry out, prepare stuff for next day etc...@

What if you’re at work? Not everyone will have the luxury or time to lie with each child whilst they go to sleep. What are the other kids doing whilst you lie with the first?

It’s not very practical for more than one child. I can get that it’s a nice thing to do. But what about when you can’t do it? Would they still sleep? Or are they reliant on you lying there…