Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

But presumably you created an environment that enabled the development of walking, and responded to certain cues your child gave (like playfully engaging with squats or downward dog), and possibly encouraged them towards greater independence (Eg not picking them up so much but instead physically or emotionally supporting them to take steps or stand).

That's what most people are talking about wrt sleep training - creating the right environment and habits, watching for cues of changing needs and noticing when you might be standing in the way of your child's development.

You can't sleep train

It's the parents struggling with lack of sleep, not baby

And given the ironically passive aggressive (or just aggressive) replies on here - honestly: I think a lot of people sleep train because it’s the ‘norm’ and ‘so-and-so told me to’. As opposed to it being an independently educated decision.

What I do judge, is when I have these conversations - others don’t seem to appreciate that my decision is one I have come to from doing a lot of research. They assume I am an ignorant, over protective first time mum.

The irony!

Yes re: creating an environment that supports their development. But that is not “teaching”
and they would learn to do it by themselves anyway. It’s supporting, modelling, whatever you want to call it but it is not “teaching”. Same as I didn’t teach him to eat, I just provided the food and the environment. To me saying you taught your child to walk is like saying you taught them to chew. Clearly I helped.

wrt to sleep, I think this is where a lot of the disconnect comes in the discourse. I did not “sleep train” my child as is commonly understood ie I did not withhold my presence at any stage. I did of course support his growing independence by putting him in his cot to go over to sleep when he showed/told me he was ready. But I didn’t “teach” or “train” him to do this. Anyway he’s 3 and is currently waking overnight. Obviously I am waiting a few moments to see if he settles himself/am
going in and reassuring before leaving to see if he can get himself back to sleep, but if he calls me or cries I go to him. If that is not “sleep training”, then why do people say when they hear I have a 3 year old who needs me at night “you need to sleep train”? If what I am doing is, apparently, sleep training?

i suppose what I am getting at is that generally people who are pro sleep training or who tell me I “need” to sleep train, insist that sleep training is just gentle encouragement and does not involve leaving a child to cry but still tell me I’m not “training properly” since he’s still calling for me at night. So what is training properly? Usually at that point it becomes clear they do actually mean leaving him to cry by himself! There’s sort of a bait and switch somewhere.

fwiw I don’t have a problem with him waking and am happy with our approach. It’s just that people ask if he sleeps through or if he’s a good sleeper and I say well he still wakes but it’s manageable or whatever, they immediately say “you need to sleep train”.

For some reason people who have had their own children love to impart their “wisdom” on new mothers who they see as less experienced. It’s not just sleep but sleep is a big one for some reason.

My daughter was an abysmal sleeper and your journey thus far sounds similar to my experience. If you are happy with what you are doing just carry on. Eventually I just started telling everyone she slept well to avoid the unwanted input as people can’t help themselves!

As it turns out my daughter has lower than average sleep needs so she genuinely needs less sleep than most children her age. Georgina May’s sleep advice changed my life! “Effective” sleep training, for my daughter, would probably have meant her lying awake quiet for hours each night as she genuinely doesn’t need the twelve or whatever hours most people aim for with sleep training so I’m really glad we never went for it.

My daughter is 4 now, she sleeps through the night (albeit from a much later bedtime than most other children) and is developing beautifully.

Oh Jesus I remember one colleague saying "you don't need to respond to your crying baby straight away, let them cry" like wtf

I think it’s weirder that you believe you taught your child to do something that children have learnt to do for millennia!! Are we the only species that you believe teach our offspring to walk?

Cool. So we disagree. No problem there. Bye

My daughter had periods as an infant and woke every 30-45 minutes, she’s 4 now and sleeps through the night. I have friends who did sleep train whose children now don’t sleep through. Sleep training as an infant (or not) doesn’t mean they will or won’t sleep as older children!

FWIW many neurodiverse children have a lot of trouble sleeping through the night so if an older child is still waking frequently this may be something to consider as a factor.

Creating the environment, modelling and supporting are all critical components of teaching so I would consider that you did 'teach' your child/ren those skills.

For your other questions I can't really answer those as I am not you or the people you have these conversations with and I think this thread demonstrates people mean different things by the terms.

I think for me a lot of these more controversial baby/parenting topics come down to the fine line between avoiding discomfort myself and allowing my child to experience enough frustration to meet their developmental needs. It's tricky, sometimes it's hard to know where your needs end and theirs begin, but personally I find following any kind of theory or style too closely separates me from my intuition. And there have been times that has told me stepping back, even if it causes momentary upset, is the right thing to do.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who actively taught their child to walk. I mean, I can see how it could be necessary to intervene for kids with disabilities that affect walking, but kids generally just get up and walk when they are ready.

I do think that in all this talk about sleep training, the parents who sleep train say that it was great and their children sleep really well and the ones who don't say that their children would be traumatized but it, and I think that in the vast majority of cases, both sets of parents are right.

If you are a parent who is in tune with your child and wants the best for them, you will generally try to give them a good sleep environment with good routines and sleep hygiene. For some babies and toddlers, that's enough, and there's no need to go any further. For others to they respond well to the routine, but they need more quiet, or alone time, or are the sort of sleepers where they will respond well to the lack of stimulus of a sleep training routine, and will find those coffees really helpful in going to sleep for three next free years. And some kids really struggle with sleep. Sometimes they are neurodivergent, or have undiagnosed pain or discomfort, or sleep needs that are atypical, or are just a bit behind developmentally when it comes to sleep. And those babies respond really, really badly to sleep training, and it's miserable for all concerned.

And some parents aren't in tune with their kids, and leave their babies to cry alone until they vomit for weeks at a time, or give them no routine or stability and interfere with their natural sleep development, but I suspect that the parents who ask for support on parenting forums, or read up on infant sleep so that they can do the best for their baby generally know their babies well and are pretty competent at interpreting their wants and needs. And they down that path of increasing levels of sleep intervention until they either reach a stage that works for them, or they reach a stage that indicates that slept training is not something that will be positive at this time, for this baby.

So often a child who isn't sleep trained and goes on to struggle with sleep in later years isn't that way because they weren't sleep trained, but rather wasn't sleep trained because sleep is something they struggle with, and they need a longer, slower process than that in order to develop good sleep.

Do you raise the subject a lot? If so, I suppose it's possible that what they really mean is "You HAVE to stop telling me about this". I mean, if you've made your mind up, there's nothing to discuss, so perhaps . . . don't?

OP- You say you’ve done a lot of research- have you done that research in the impact of sleep deprivation in both babies/children and adults?

Like I said, it took us 3 nights. We did not do CIO I popped back and reassured. So a very short time of crying. Then a baby that slept through from then and was a very good sleeper. So total crying time and cortisol a lot less than a baby you don’t sleep train and wakes up and cries multiple times a night every night for years.

Then you have a 4 year old that doesn’t know how to sleep alone, or settle. They’re tired at school. You’re up at 4 am every day. It’s exhausting- I’ve seen it happen with friends. Versus a few nights of sleep training…by all means don’t do the training but don’t underestimate or downplay how important good, deep, long sleep is for everyone. Not broken sleep…..

If you have such conviction that sleep training is tantamount to abuse, I can’t see why you feel incredibly judged for not doing it. Pick a side.

I didn't any of mine to walk with yet DD2 never crawled and was walking before hitting 8 months

Sleep deprivation is not the same thing as a child waking naturally in the night. With the exception of some babies with medical issues that impact their sleep (eg sleep apnoea), they will naturally sleep for as long as they need. It is normal for babies to wake in the night. This does not mean they aren’t getting enough sleep overall.

I never sleep trained and my child experienced no elevated levels of cortisol or crying because she slept in my bed!

My child is now 4 and she sleeps great. She’s definitely not tired during the day and at 4AM we’re all sleeping soundly. If your friends have wakeful children it’s not because they didn’t sleep train. All children are different.

If you are happy with what you did that’s great but there’s no need to spread misinformation.

If the baby is waking and going back to sleep quickly with no crying then no that’s not sleep deprivation. I never said it was. We all wake in the night many times, we have learnt to go back to sleep and we barely register it.

The issues happen if babies are waking multiple times and crying and then not going back to sleep for some time. That is sleep deprivation however you want to dress it up.

If the OP’s baby was waking and going straight back to sleep with no fuss then I don’t think she would have posted on here.

Co-sleeping instead of sleep training is a valid choice if that works for you.

You can see clearly in my post that I said ‘a baby that wakes up and cries’ not a ‘baby that wakes up a few times and goes back to sleep’.

YABU. You don't HAVE to, of course you don't, but it isn't just about you and what you want tbh. If your 11m old is such a terrible sleeper it's unfair to them to keep things like this, when there is the possibility that they will continue to be a terrible sleeper as they get older. They might start sleeping better, sure. But if there's an option to support them to get better sleep now, while they're so little and their brains are constantly learning new things and forming pathways, why wouldn't you?

I find a lot of the reluctance to sleep train comes from a place of selfishness from the parent as it takes work and it's easier in some ways to just kick the can down the road and hope things magically improve as time goes on. But it's a hell of a gamble to take. If you end up with a 5yr old, 8yr old that is waking throughout the night unable to fall asleep by themselves, or a teenager that struggles to get to sleep, you will look back and wish you'd done it when they were a baby.

Do what you think is best for your child by all means but just be aware it comes with risks that will impact not just you. Sleep is incredibly important for babies, toddlers and children, it impacts their ability to learn, manage and regulate their emotions, and their behaviour and mood. Supporting your child to learn how to fall asleep at bedtime and when they wake in the night is one of the most loving and kind things you can do for them and will pay dividends throughout their lifetime.

As parents people will give you all sorts of advice all the time you can choose to consider or ignore, best to get used to it!

I also did all of that. Other than brief stints here and there, he continued to wake every 2-3 hours until 14 months. I persevered with routine, and his cot, all my days were always centered around his naps being in his cot etc. I never gave in and brought him to my bed at 3am either. I did everything the books say to do. Routine was key.

I regret listening to smug people like you who think their babies sleeping through the night is their own personal achievement.

I should have brought the baby into bed with me like my own mum told me to, it will be my one of my life's biggest regret.

tbf bringing baby into bed can literally kill them, so as a parent I'd much rather regret not having bedshared than regret having done it. You did great.

Most of the world co sleep

It's not smugness, I literally said I'm sure mine were naturally good sleepers. You got a rubbish one - not your fault. My point simply was that following the routines works for lots of people because they're based on what works for the average baby and doing nothing and hoping for the best is unlikely to result in an excellent sleeper. I put a huge amount of effort into making sure mine slept because I couldn't be a good mother without sleep. The people who function for years on end with broken nights of sleep are a wonder to me - I would be broken by it, so gentle sleep training was top of my newborn to do list.