Help - Can’t stand MIL and not sure how to navigate this

[HappyMummaOfOne]

Sorry this is LONG!
I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just feel “done” with my DH’s family and am now in a position that I think a confrontation is approaching and I’m not sure sure how to respond when it does happen.

When we first met I really tried to get on with them but 9 years down the line I just don’t want the negativity anymore and feel it’s more beneficial to distance myself.

For background I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 5 and we have two young children (4 & 1).
.At the beginning we were both living at home with our parents and when visiting him I would make sure he asked permission from them if I could go/stay over, I would always make sure I would say hello and spend a little bit of time with them before DH and I would go out/go up to his room/ head to another room ect - and at the end of the visit I would seek them out to say thank you for having me ect. It was the way I was brought up and I always wanted to be polite whilst in their home.
The very first time I met his mother she refused to look at me/speak to me which I found very strange and it took her two weeks to even acknowledge my presence. I will never truely understand why as my DH couldn’t explain it and just said “oh it’s just the way she is”. When she did eventually start talking to me it was only because DH mentioned I had been to a holiday destination that they were visiting and she suddenly seemed interested in me because I had traveled extensively.

Over time it became very clear that DH parents are EXTREMELY opinionated (to the point if you don’t agree with them they get very argumentative and just won’t let the subject drop) so I quickly realised it was best not to offer up opinions or to just smile and nod to avoid a long rant. They were so rude and offensive with some of their comments I would find myself literally lost for words at what was coming out of their mouths. They are rude, nasty, racist, fattist and generally just not people I would choose to spend my time with. Some of their comments would be directed at my DH and I really struggled to not bite back and defend him but we had a long conversation when we were in private and he made it clear he didn’t want me to “make an issue” and say something so I would always bite my tongue.
Examples :-

• showing his parents a picture of the suit he had chosen for our wedding - MIL “well you won’t look like that you’re double their size! Are you sure it is going to fit”
• Having a meal with them and MIL grabbed his stomach and calling him fatty. Then proceeds to give him the left overs.

Weight comments were constant and she would put him down because his job isn’t as well paid as his brothers.

When we finally bought our first home I asked that he speak to his parents and ask that they stop making nasty comments to him as I said if he didn’t address it then I would as it was now my house and I didn’t want the comments in my own home. He did bring it up in a jokey way and when his mother said “she could say what she wanted” I responded “not in my house” and stared her down.

When I had my first daughter during Covid they asked when I was due…then booked multiple holidays over my due date so they didn’t meet our daughter until she was nearly a month old. They did the same thing with my second. (Great for me as I got peace from them but I know it confused my DH as to why they wanted to be away and not meet their grandchildren like “normal” grandparents.)

• They would then berate me that I wasn’t breastfeeding.
• Made it clear we were not to expect any childcare from them as they had their own lives and didn’t want to look after any “sprogs”.
• We’re disappointed our daughters weren’t boys and even told my husband it was a “shame they are girls”
• When my daughter cried when they were round I was told to put them in the other room and close the door!! (I did not do this obviously)

These are just a couple of the examples.

I continued biting my tongue with the other comments (comments on our decisions as a family, parenting decisions, nasty gossiping about other members of the family ect) but I found that following a visit from his family DH and I would bicker a lot. So two years ago I set myself a New Year’s resolution that I would take a step back in regards to his family. I thought that I would leave the relationship purely in his hands.

• I stopped reminding DH that we hadn’t seen his family for a while so as he wasn’t bothered in sorting contact we could go weeks without seeing or speaking to them even though they only live 5mins away.
• When we did see them I would let DH or in-laws lead the conversation and found it easier to not engage too much. They don’t engage with the kids and barely have a relationship. They spend the visits just talking about their holidays and don’t seem interested in our lives so I stopping offering up information on what we were up to.

I have never stopped DH seeing or speaking to his family and have suggest that he take the kids alone with him if he wanted to see them. This however has caused some friction as he thinks I should “put up” with his mother for him. And I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see them without me.

It all came to abit of a head with a family drama with one of DH brothers and I have removed all of his family from social media, muted them on WhatsApp and planned on happily avoiding them for as long as possible. However today his dad asked my DH if he had done anything wrong and …..my DH said “no of course not”.
So I know an in-law visit is probably imminent and have a feeling someone will ask why I have removed them from social media and don’t see them very much.
What do I say??
A) scream I can’t stand you, you are awful people and I can’t stand being around you!!

B) make up some rubbish about taking a break from social media (but I feel this is just masking the issue and being fake)

C) try to find a way to explain that their actions over the years have upset me and I just don’t want to have a fake relationship with them. They are welcome to see DH and children but I find nothing of value from their interactions and would prefer to not be involved with them.

D) option that I haven’t thought of - welcome suggestions.

Reading this back it doesn’t explain even a fraction of the issues I have with his parents but trying to articulate nine years worth of insults and problems is so hard. When my DH was a child he went to live with his Aunty as his parents “couldn’t cope” with him and wanted to give him up! They eventually took him back after a few months of the Aunty begging them but my DH tries to downplay this as he was just a little shit and it was all nothing. As a parent myself I can’t comprehend this. DH even now as an adult seems desperate for their love and approval which I just don’t think he is ever going to get. They were awful parents and even worse grandparents! I feel he is only wanting to push a relationship with them as he thinks he can somehow win them round but I don’t feel I have anything to prove to them and I don’t need their approval.

Half of me thinks I should just suck it up for DH but the other half of me thinks I shouldn’t have to put up with his parents rude behaviour. What does wise mumnetters think.

I wouldn’t see them ever again, but I also wouldn’t want my precious children anywhere near them either.

You have a DH problem really. He needs extensive therapy from the sounds of it.

they are completely awful people.
your DH probably has a trauma response to them
i agree need to protect your family and not engage .. I would not go to see them at their home. I may agree to meet in a mutual place eg restaurant, pub

Horrible Bastards, I would not see them. Its a shame, but your DH, wants love and recognition from them. I would not see them as I can't keep my mouth shut, I would call out the nastiness.
You cannot stop him going, he is a grown man. Not sure about the children though. If he wants to take them, and they are his kids too I dint think you can stop him. This is hard on you and hard to navigate.

A and c won’t work.

b is probably the best option.

personally I went with I’m going to be away that weekend dear as I don’t get on with your parents.

he didn’t actually like them himself so the visit never happened.

Your withdrawal on social media is not really the problem! If that’s your focus, I’d suggest you are dodging the issue.
You both (you and DH) need to find your peace in all of this. They sound awful, but if your DH ‘needs’ them in his life, things are tricky and need to be discussed and navigated.
Without a lot more info, it’s hard to advise further.
Good luck! 🩵🩵

I think you have nothing to lose at this point so I would say-
“ I find it difficult when you call dh fat etc or when you judge our parenting choices (such as xyz). I find it easier to be a bit less involved, so I decided to take you off social media “
honest but polite I’d aim for.

I would ask myself what benefit would come from telling them the truth. Are they the kind of people that will reflect maturely and change? It doesn't sound like it. So IMO there's no value in causing aggro for everyone by telling them their behaviour is the problem. I would follow a PP's advice and just be out when they're coming (and ideally take the kids too) and maybe once a year at christmas agree to meet them at the pub or a neutral venue. Have an air pod in one ear and have some nice music on so you can focus on that and largely tune them out. If they ask DH why you never see them any more it's then up to him to decide what to say, but I'd probably suggest he just says that you're very busy these days with the two kids or some other gentle brush off then change subject. Life's too short to spend it being miserable so don't let DH pressure you to see them more. I do agree as well that you shpuld see if you can encourage him to get counselling for his own wellbeing.

I’d go with C personally, God they’re awful , awful humans ..
Your Poor husband OP , it must have been terrible growing up with them as his parents 😔..
I also think it’s a trauma bond .. I wouldn’t want them anywhere near my children x x

I wouldn’t waste your time and energy trying to explain why you’ve deleted them. People like this will never see any wrongdoing in their own actions, it will always be someone else’s fault. So it’s utterly pointless. You could just shrug nonchalantly and say ‘why do you think?’ Or you could keep out of their way. Either way just give them nothing. No debates, no explanations, no gracious hosting. Be as bland and beige as possible.

I personally wouldn’t want them in my home or around my dc but I appreciate it’s tricky when your dh still wants to keep the peace. I’d suggest some counselling for him as he seems completely lacking in boundaries probably due to years of put downs and abuse from them. Awful people.

I would just try and focus on the positives, rather than the negatives

What positives would they be then?

C

Honestly you've handled this pretty well up to now.

IMO: Vibe is minimum energy

I would continue to not engage meaningfully and grey rock them. The dc would be kept at a good distance. I often take myself and one or both of DC off when mil visits so dh can habe "quality time".

Let dh limp on with this hellscape if he wants.

I wouldnt do a show down i would keep it low energy.
Go read a book go to a gym class, have a lie down, whatever...If they about social media I'd feign surprise and say something like "gosh geoff...thats a strange thing to be checking! " then redirect conversation.
if heavily pressed i'd say something truthful but not too wild like "well look gloria, we are very different people arent we? But thats all part of the tapestry of life...i need a fresh tea"

D - Grey rock them! Be vague, be slippery, make excuses (ie like option b) - never explain, it will cause them more drama and involvement in your life. Just phase them out - and let DH explain if he wants

I think you need to stick to the events that have happened that involve you and not go dragging up events that occurred pre your relationship, when your DH was a child etc as you weren't there and frankly none of your business and nor your place to judge what happened back then.

I agree with PPs - I don’t think much good will come of saying how their behaviour has impacted you and DH - they aren’t going to reflect or be open to a discussion - it will turn into an argument (which you have been doing brilliantly to avoid for nearly a decade!). It’s up to DH to facilitate the relationship now - you just carry on grey rocking.

You're doing really well with the slow fade, beige, grey rock. They've obviously noticed something but they don't have concrete proof

Don't give it to them, some good suggestions above.

The truth will backfire, you can absolutely guarantee that. It will provoke some sort of confrontation, endless hassle from relatives, and DH will be forced into taking a side and as he's not ready to confront the truth of his parents he might side with them and expect you to apologise or something equally awful. That would be really bad for your marriage.

Keep your powder dry.

They sound like awful people and I would go nc!

My in-laws are similar and my DH also spent an period of time away from his parents as a child.
I initially tried to get along with them and when our DC came along I was desperate for them to have Grandparents. Eventually I could no longer deal with them so I had a long discussion with my DH and set my boundaries regarding them with him. We compromised ect until we were both happy. This was around 12 years ago and Eventually they have pretty much disappeared from our lives.
My biggest boundary was that they were no longer allowed in my home whilst I was also home. My preference was for my husband to go to them as it was easier to leave when he wanted to.

I think that without them being a regular presence in my DH it allowed him to to reflect and think about their behaviour.

A few years ago our DS wanted to try and have a relationship with them. My DH arranged a time to go round and they stayed less than 20 minutes and nothing has happened since. The fact that they did not accept social media requests or text back made it clear how they really feel.

You need to look after yourself and your children. It is not OK for your DC to hear anybody being rude and unkind to their Dad.

They wouldn’t be welcome in my house. If your husband wants to go and see them that’s his choice. I wouldn’t want them anywhere near the kids. Could you persuade your husband to see a councillor? I agree with a previous comment about the ‘trauma bond’. Ultimately, you can only protect your husband if he’ll let you. However, you absolutely have a right and a duty to protect yourself and your children from these awful people.

Sell up the house and move as far away from them as you can get.

This is what we did.. the peace.. no fallout..no drama.. it's bloody awesome!!

I’m not into the family drama on social media, so have removed myself. I don’t like the drama and don’t want to be part of it in general

Given they’re so awful and unlikely to ever be self aware about it, probably some version of B. If it comes up, which it may not.

”Oh, I got a bit fed up with WhatsApp so I decided to keep it to just close friends and family.”

My cousin had always been treated in a similar way as to your dh by her parents, even the same disappointment over her beautiful girls. She up until very recently would still seek their approval and love. I'd tell your dh what I told her. Her so called parents were not worthy of the title mum and dad. They were never going to give her the love and support regular parents do because they just were not capable of it. She needed to put her own happiness and health first and focus on her own beautiful family.

Her dh established boundaries in their home and mil wasn't allowed to put his wife down. He withdrew as you have done but then one day spectacularly blew his top. Cousin wanted him to apologise and smoothe things over till he emphasised that she really needed counselling and or therapy to undo the damage that they had caused her self esteem. He also reiterated what I had said re the negative influence on and around their girls and that he wouldn't allow them to upset their children. She now is at counselling and has very low contact with parents Limited to a phone call a week.

I think you have behaved really well in trying to be a supportive wife but also limit the disrespect his parents have towards him. I would stand your ground and refuse to have anything to do with them. As for letting your children continue to see them my cousin did the same until my aunt started to insult her infront of her kids. One day she got short thrift from my niece who told her that she didn't want to see her again as she was so horrible about her mum and that despite being her gran she just wasn't a nice person and someone she wanted ro spend time with.

We aren't morally obliged to spend time with those that are deeply unpleasant or even cruel just because we share genes.