Help - Can’t stand MIL and not sure how to navigate this

[HappyMummaOfOne]

Sorry this is LONG!
I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just feel “done” with my DH’s family and am now in a position that I think a confrontation is approaching and I’m not sure sure how to respond when it does happen.

When we first met I really tried to get on with them but 9 years down the line I just don’t want the negativity anymore and feel it’s more beneficial to distance myself.

For background I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 5 and we have two young children (4 & 1).
.At the beginning we were both living at home with our parents and when visiting him I would make sure he asked permission from them if I could go/stay over, I would always make sure I would say hello and spend a little bit of time with them before DH and I would go out/go up to his room/ head to another room ect - and at the end of the visit I would seek them out to say thank you for having me ect. It was the way I was brought up and I always wanted to be polite whilst in their home.
The very first time I met his mother she refused to look at me/speak to me which I found very strange and it took her two weeks to even acknowledge my presence. I will never truely understand why as my DH couldn’t explain it and just said “oh it’s just the way she is”. When she did eventually start talking to me it was only because DH mentioned I had been to a holiday destination that they were visiting and she suddenly seemed interested in me because I had traveled extensively.

Over time it became very clear that DH parents are EXTREMELY opinionated (to the point if you don’t agree with them they get very argumentative and just won’t let the subject drop) so I quickly realised it was best not to offer up opinions or to just smile and nod to avoid a long rant. They were so rude and offensive with some of their comments I would find myself literally lost for words at what was coming out of their mouths. They are rude, nasty, racist, fattist and generally just not people I would choose to spend my time with. Some of their comments would be directed at my DH and I really struggled to not bite back and defend him but we had a long conversation when we were in private and he made it clear he didn’t want me to “make an issue” and say something so I would always bite my tongue.
Examples :-

• showing his parents a picture of the suit he had chosen for our wedding - MIL “well you won’t look like that you’re double their size! Are you sure it is going to fit”
• Having a meal with them and MIL grabbed his stomach and calling him fatty. Then proceeds to give him the left overs.

Weight comments were constant and she would put him down because his job isn’t as well paid as his brothers.

When we finally bought our first home I asked that he speak to his parents and ask that they stop making nasty comments to him as I said if he didn’t address it then I would as it was now my house and I didn’t want the comments in my own home. He did bring it up in a jokey way and when his mother said “she could say what she wanted” I responded “not in my house” and stared her down.

When I had my first daughter during Covid they asked when I was due…then booked multiple holidays over my due date so they didn’t meet our daughter until she was nearly a month old. They did the same thing with my second. (Great for me as I got peace from them but I know it confused my DH as to why they wanted to be away and not meet their grandchildren like “normal” grandparents.)

• They would then berate me that I wasn’t breastfeeding.
• Made it clear we were not to expect any childcare from them as they had their own lives and didn’t want to look after any “sprogs”.
• We’re disappointed our daughters weren’t boys and even told my husband it was a “shame they are girls”
• When my daughter cried when they were round I was told to put them in the other room and close the door!! (I did not do this obviously)

These are just a couple of the examples.

I continued biting my tongue with the other comments (comments on our decisions as a family, parenting decisions, nasty gossiping about other members of the family ect) but I found that following a visit from his family DH and I would bicker a lot. So two years ago I set myself a New Year’s resolution that I would take a step back in regards to his family. I thought that I would leave the relationship purely in his hands.

• I stopped reminding DH that we hadn’t seen his family for a while so as he wasn’t bothered in sorting contact we could go weeks without seeing or speaking to them even though they only live 5mins away.
• When we did see them I would let DH or in-laws lead the conversation and found it easier to not engage too much. They don’t engage with the kids and barely have a relationship. They spend the visits just talking about their holidays and don’t seem interested in our lives so I stopping offering up information on what we were up to.

I have never stopped DH seeing or speaking to his family and have suggest that he take the kids alone with him if he wanted to see them. This however has caused some friction as he thinks I should “put up” with his mother for him. And I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see them without me.

It all came to abit of a head with a family drama with one of DH brothers and I have removed all of his family from social media, muted them on WhatsApp and planned on happily avoiding them for as long as possible. However today his dad asked my DH if he had done anything wrong and …..my DH said “no of course not”.
So I know an in-law visit is probably imminent and have a feeling someone will ask why I have removed them from social media and don’t see them very much.
What do I say??
A) scream I can’t stand you, you are awful people and I can’t stand being around you!!

B) make up some rubbish about taking a break from social media (but I feel this is just masking the issue and being fake)

C) try to find a way to explain that their actions over the years have upset me and I just don’t want to have a fake relationship with them. They are welcome to see DH and children but I find nothing of value from their interactions and would prefer to not be involved with them.

D) option that I haven’t thought of - welcome suggestions.

Reading this back it doesn’t explain even a fraction of the issues I have with his parents but trying to articulate nine years worth of insults and problems is so hard. When my DH was a child he went to live with his Aunty as his parents “couldn’t cope” with him and wanted to give him up! They eventually took him back after a few months of the Aunty begging them but my DH tries to downplay this as he was just a little shit and it was all nothing. As a parent myself I can’t comprehend this. DH even now as an adult seems desperate for their love and approval which I just don’t think he is ever going to get. They were awful parents and even worse grandparents! I feel he is only wanting to push a relationship with them as he thinks he can somehow win them round but I don’t feel I have anything to prove to them and I don’t need their approval.

Half of me thinks I should just suck it up for DH but the other half of me thinks I shouldn’t have to put up with his parents rude behaviour. What does wise mumnetters think.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think you are all correct and I just need to carry on being unavailable, vague but civil as if I tried to explain it would be completely pointless. They would never take any accountability. I could probably do a full presentation of facts with videos and slides and they would try and twist it all around. Pretty sure I’d be told “it was a joke” or “your took it the wrong way” or even “that didn’t happen that way” 🙄

Although I would love for my DH to get some counselling I know he never will as he can’t admit to himself how bad they are and the damage his childhood has caused. One of the major things that stood out to me as strange at the beginning of our relationship was he said he was really looking forward to having a family because “I just want someone to love me as much as I love them”. This literally broke my heart. As someone who grew up in a really loving & happy family I had never felt that I needed children so that someone would love me the way I loved them.

I think the reason I have kept the peace as much as I have is because I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt my husband and I know that whilst he craves their love and approval I couldn’t be the one to blow up that fantasy for him. I think I just want to quietly support him whilst letting him come to his own conclusions. But taking a step back he is slowly noticing that they don’t make much effort but I think we still have a long road ahead as he still makes excuses for their behaviour even when he knows it wrong.

thank you everyone for your comments

Surely there are no positives with her PILs? They sound like utterly dreadful people.

OP gets no benefit from having any sort of relationship with them. I wouldn't even want them to have contact with my children, if I were OP. They are utterly toxic and they have obviously permanently damaged OP's DH.

?? Those being what exactly? Please enlighten me because I would love to know a positive

I constantly tell my kids you don’t have to like someone but you have to be nice until you can’t.
I would just be as bland as possible until you can’t. If they push just answer with you are focusing on those people who love and support you without negativity and drama.
i would also continue to avoid them as much as possible. DH can just visit alone.

It’s nice that he met you, OP. You sound like just what he needed.

His parents are abusers. I would keep my children away from them.

I'd go for option C. In the calmest, nicest way explain exactly how they make you feel, that you don't want to be around that.
I personally would be very concerned what their behaviour is doing to my husband. I would not want my children being around someone like that.
Do they speak like this in front of the kids? X

I gave that information to give some context as to why he craves their love even though they are completely incapable of that!

As for it not being any of my business, are you joking? My DH is emotionally damaged due to their poor parenting and I 100% can judge them and their actions as they sit there telling me stories of “funny” things that happened when the boys were children! MIL has an unhealthy dependency to alcohol and passed out drunk on the floor one evening and when the boys couldn’t wake her up they called their aunt who came and got them and took them back to hers. The next morning MIL woke up in a panic as she couldn’t find them and then SHOUTED at the aunt when she brought them home!! A funny Christmas story is about MIL being so drunk Xmas morning that she was throwing the gifts from under the tree to the kids to open and she lobbed one that smacked one of the boys in the head (hurting them) and she found it hilarious!
She is the most uncaring individual I have ever met and I 100% judge her and I couldn’t care less how that is perceived!

Option C. Just give it to them straight. Their actions have clearly damaged your husband, but there's no need to let yourself become damaged too. They probably won't understand your reactions, but don't fuss about trying to clarify further. Your husband should seek therapy. You didn't cause the damage, and it's not up to you to try to fix it.

She sounds sooooo like my dad's partner. She had been in my life since the age of 8 when my mum kicked him out due to their affair, and I stopped seeing her when I was 23.

She also can't hold her tongue, makes vile comments, was really cruel at times to us as kids with her words. What she cannot stand is not getting to have "her say". Her own daughter has gone no contact with her now and she did it via email, and that incensed my dad's partner more than anything because she wanted the confrontation.

I've never allowed a confrontation with her, I just quietly decided not to bother with her after one too many horrible visits, told my dad and then let him deal with her bending his ear on it for years.

So all that to say, you don't have to have that confrontation. You don't need to allow your inlaws to ambush you into an argument, or demand to know why when they clearly are not going to change. It'll be such a big waste of time. Your husband needs to protect you from them, they can't just think they can come round and have a go at you! You've made yourself clear, they need to accept it.

I vote C too.

However, I wouldn’t want my children to be around them without someone to shield them and deal with any fallout e.g. explaining that what grandma/grandpa said is not OK.

Agree that your DH is trauma bonded. I think that you’ll find the website OutoftheFog very, very useful. Especially the section called Toolbox.

https://outofthefog.website

How awful that your cousin had to experience this with her parents too. I’m so glad she has recognised that therapy could be helpful and she is now low contact.

I am so conflicted if I am doing the right thing by allowing DH to take the kids to see them but as they are so young at the moment I know any nasty comments will be going over their heads but eventually they will start to pick up on it all as they grow. Does your cousin regret allowing a relationship with her daughters and her parents (as you mention that your niece came to the conclusion herself that she didn’t want to she her GM as she was so horrible). In hindsight does she wish she had protected them from her mother? I flick between the kids are DH’s children too so he should be allowed to take them if he wants and feeling that I should be keeping the girls at a distance to them. Even at 4 my daughter calls them “the other nanny and grandad” and moans when she has to see them. My husband has had to bribe her with the promise of some sweets on the way home to get her to go one time. So she is picking up on the fact that they don’t play with her or show much interest. It’s such a hard situation to navigate

OMG yes they really do sound the same! I think you are right, MIL would love a confrontation just so she could then paint herself as a victim and tell everyone what an awful DIL I am blah blah. I think not engaging is going to be best as she won’t get the drama or the opportunity for “her say” that she wants.

I am so sorry you had to be subjected to nasty and cruel comments as a child from your dad’s partner. I don’t understand why these women feel the need to be so vile to CHILDREN! So glad you have cut contact and never have to see her again ….maybe my DH will “see the light” eventually and I can do the same lol

You won’t change them. They’re your DH’s parents and he loves them, so I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt or upset him - no confrontation, no arguments, no going NC. It’s so easy to say this to strangers online, when it’s someone else’s family. But it’s a terrible spot to put your DH in, when he loves you and his parents and feels torn between the two.

Gradually remove yourself from the equation and leave it up to him to deal with them. Don’t call them or message them - leave it to him to navigate the relationship and organise plans. I’d be polite and nice when I saw them, but otherwise wouldn’t involve myself at all.

Ask your DH if he wants your children go through the experiences he had as a child - the insults, being constantly put down, having their bodies grabbed and criticised? Regardless of whether it's meant as a 'joke' or not, does he think it's a healthy thing for his daughters and they should go through that?

If the answer is no, then it shouldn't be difficult for him to understand why you don't want to see your ILs or spend time with them. If he wants to continue seeing them, then that's his choice as an adult. But you have every right to not see them and to protect your children from them. You are not going to sacrifice your daughters' self esteem and well-being for the sake of 'putting up with them', because he's too scared to rock the boat and tell his parents the truth.

By the way.... the reason he is giving you a hard time for your (reasonable / bland /non explosive) refusal to "go along with it" is because it creates huge congnitive disonance for him. it interupts the facade and disrupts the fake happy family narrative meaning he has to actually confront something he has beem despearately avoiding because its so painful for decades.

The "excuses" are him trying desperately and pointlessly to put the "smashed vase" back together so he can pretend its all fine and normal service can resume.

I try to be understanding with my dh (who has gone to therapy over it) but i'm clear he vant take it out on me just because i am a safe space.

Thank you so much for this. Even after a quick read I’ve realised I “Medium Chill” already 😂

Selfish as it is I would look after myself & my kids & not see them.

He can go when he wants.

If it's a shame that you have daughters then they won't care about not seeing them.

This!
Just go as NC as you can. Don’t engage with them at all. Nothing will come of it.
Go out with kids and avoid avoid avoid!!!!
Get therapy for husband to work through his past and feelings around his parents.

I could have written an awful lot of what you have. I even wondered if you are my sister in law but the details don’t match. I chose the route of supporting my husband, keeping my mouth shut and silently fuming. I was dreading a lifetime of doing this. Fortunately he saw the light himself. I never had to say a bad word about his mother, in fact I encouraged his relationship with her but she really is so awful even he couldn’t continue to put up with her so I feel my policy paid off. We no longer have anything to do with her and that’s absolutely none of my doing and all down to her own evil work.

Hang in there. If you’re lucky he will work it out for himself one day.

Yes, you have hit the nail on the head. he is definitely trying to keep up the fake happy family narrative and he hates that I don’t want to play along.

No help to you OP but while he may have been terribly unlucky in the parents he got, your husband has thankfully been very lucky in having such a loving and thoughtful wife. As others hsve said, there must be cognitive dissonance for hm in figuring out 'oh this is what love looks and feels like'. As your children grow, expect more comparisons to be made and more realisations. This will be a journey, sometimes a painful one for him. My parents were OK but it's funny, in my early 50s I am having some negative thoughts about their relative lack of support for me at key momenrs which are prompted by my son going off to college. Grappling with our upbringings, reflecting on it, is a lifelong thing. He may never have the 'aha' moment, all you can do is be the stable loving presence for him and protect yourself.

100 % this

I have noticed in the last two years that by pulling back myself it has opened his eyes slightly to their behaviour and actions. We don’t argue as much as I refuse to get involved in discussions around his family (example - he will say something about his parents and I just response oh right ok and change the subject). So this has been good for our own relationship but then he seems confused as to why I dislike them as he says I haven’t had a problem with them recently (ie - I haven’t complained about them 🙄)

An alternative might be
e. I am not going to do ‘drama’ any more.
Then grey rock as others have suggested, maybe have a few stock phrases you can use on repeat-
we will just have to agree to disagree
I I don’t thing DH is overweight
that is an interesting way of looking at that

You are doing many things right, letting him take dc to see them.
You will need to have a talk with your dh at some point, stress that it is how he is treated which upsets you, explain why grey rock is best for all.
You may eventually have to confront them if they start to do any comments about weight etc to your daughters.

@HappyMummaOfOne her dh always let her take the lead on the girls seeing their grandparents, especially when he quietly withdrew. He didnt want her to resent him but has expressed that had it been solely up to him the kids would have had limited contact. Her eldest came to her own conclusion quickly followed by her youngest. In her way she did try to protect them by changing the subject when her mum would berate her. It is one of those where you have to see it to believe it though, aunt was so used to putting her down that the digs came thick and fast. She genuinely wouldn't have put up with it from a stranger in the street but with her own mum it was just always the way. I think her dd deciding not to visit was a turning point for her.

She does still go to wider family events where her mum is present but she is now able to tell her mum to mind her manners and any and all of us will do the same if she starts.