Help - Can’t stand MIL and not sure how to navigate this

[HappyMummaOfOne]

Sorry this is LONG!
I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just feel “done” with my DH’s family and am now in a position that I think a confrontation is approaching and I’m not sure sure how to respond when it does happen.

When we first met I really tried to get on with them but 9 years down the line I just don’t want the negativity anymore and feel it’s more beneficial to distance myself.

For background I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 5 and we have two young children (4 & 1).
.At the beginning we were both living at home with our parents and when visiting him I would make sure he asked permission from them if I could go/stay over, I would always make sure I would say hello and spend a little bit of time with them before DH and I would go out/go up to his room/ head to another room ect - and at the end of the visit I would seek them out to say thank you for having me ect. It was the way I was brought up and I always wanted to be polite whilst in their home.
The very first time I met his mother she refused to look at me/speak to me which I found very strange and it took her two weeks to even acknowledge my presence. I will never truely understand why as my DH couldn’t explain it and just said “oh it’s just the way she is”. When she did eventually start talking to me it was only because DH mentioned I had been to a holiday destination that they were visiting and she suddenly seemed interested in me because I had traveled extensively.

Over time it became very clear that DH parents are EXTREMELY opinionated (to the point if you don’t agree with them they get very argumentative and just won’t let the subject drop) so I quickly realised it was best not to offer up opinions or to just smile and nod to avoid a long rant. They were so rude and offensive with some of their comments I would find myself literally lost for words at what was coming out of their mouths. They are rude, nasty, racist, fattist and generally just not people I would choose to spend my time with. Some of their comments would be directed at my DH and I really struggled to not bite back and defend him but we had a long conversation when we were in private and he made it clear he didn’t want me to “make an issue” and say something so I would always bite my tongue.
Examples :-

• showing his parents a picture of the suit he had chosen for our wedding - MIL “well you won’t look like that you’re double their size! Are you sure it is going to fit”
• Having a meal with them and MIL grabbed his stomach and calling him fatty. Then proceeds to give him the left overs.

Weight comments were constant and she would put him down because his job isn’t as well paid as his brothers.

When we finally bought our first home I asked that he speak to his parents and ask that they stop making nasty comments to him as I said if he didn’t address it then I would as it was now my house and I didn’t want the comments in my own home. He did bring it up in a jokey way and when his mother said “she could say what she wanted” I responded “not in my house” and stared her down.

When I had my first daughter during Covid they asked when I was due…then booked multiple holidays over my due date so they didn’t meet our daughter until she was nearly a month old. They did the same thing with my second. (Great for me as I got peace from them but I know it confused my DH as to why they wanted to be away and not meet their grandchildren like “normal” grandparents.)

• They would then berate me that I wasn’t breastfeeding.
• Made it clear we were not to expect any childcare from them as they had their own lives and didn’t want to look after any “sprogs”.
• We’re disappointed our daughters weren’t boys and even told my husband it was a “shame they are girls”
• When my daughter cried when they were round I was told to put them in the other room and close the door!! (I did not do this obviously)

These are just a couple of the examples.

I continued biting my tongue with the other comments (comments on our decisions as a family, parenting decisions, nasty gossiping about other members of the family ect) but I found that following a visit from his family DH and I would bicker a lot. So two years ago I set myself a New Year’s resolution that I would take a step back in regards to his family. I thought that I would leave the relationship purely in his hands.

• I stopped reminding DH that we hadn’t seen his family for a while so as he wasn’t bothered in sorting contact we could go weeks without seeing or speaking to them even though they only live 5mins away.
• When we did see them I would let DH or in-laws lead the conversation and found it easier to not engage too much. They don’t engage with the kids and barely have a relationship. They spend the visits just talking about their holidays and don’t seem interested in our lives so I stopping offering up information on what we were up to.

I have never stopped DH seeing or speaking to his family and have suggest that he take the kids alone with him if he wanted to see them. This however has caused some friction as he thinks I should “put up” with his mother for him. And I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see them without me.

It all came to abit of a head with a family drama with one of DH brothers and I have removed all of his family from social media, muted them on WhatsApp and planned on happily avoiding them for as long as possible. However today his dad asked my DH if he had done anything wrong and …..my DH said “no of course not”.
So I know an in-law visit is probably imminent and have a feeling someone will ask why I have removed them from social media and don’t see them very much.
What do I say??
A) scream I can’t stand you, you are awful people and I can’t stand being around you!!

B) make up some rubbish about taking a break from social media (but I feel this is just masking the issue and being fake)

C) try to find a way to explain that their actions over the years have upset me and I just don’t want to have a fake relationship with them. They are welcome to see DH and children but I find nothing of value from their interactions and would prefer to not be involved with them.

D) option that I haven’t thought of - welcome suggestions.

Reading this back it doesn’t explain even a fraction of the issues I have with his parents but trying to articulate nine years worth of insults and problems is so hard. When my DH was a child he went to live with his Aunty as his parents “couldn’t cope” with him and wanted to give him up! They eventually took him back after a few months of the Aunty begging them but my DH tries to downplay this as he was just a little shit and it was all nothing. As a parent myself I can’t comprehend this. DH even now as an adult seems desperate for their love and approval which I just don’t think he is ever going to get. They were awful parents and even worse grandparents! I feel he is only wanting to push a relationship with them as he thinks he can somehow win them round but I don’t feel I have anything to prove to them and I don’t need their approval.

Half of me thinks I should just suck it up for DH but the other half of me thinks I shouldn’t have to put up with his parents rude behaviour. What does wise mumnetters think.

Do they have money? Are they old? If yes to both then I’d suck it up as best I could and go with option B (ie lie about why you removed them from SM). If you’re not likely to see a penny then I’d just go out when they visit and if they thought that was rude I wouldn’t care less. I would avoid option A or C, as I doubt your DH wants to be in the middle of a massive barny and they’re his horrible family, so he gets to choose if he has a relationship with them.

We had a similar issue with my in-laws and at about 10 yrs in I said to my husband that it couldn’t continue , he went and told them what the issues were , they then decided to go NC with us rather than change / adapt . The NC with my husband lasted about 3 weeks but they stayed NC with me until both our children were adults ( the youngest wasn’t even born when it started) and after FIL died . I’m now LC with my MIL who is in her 90s purely to help my husband out . Our children were taken for the occasional visit until they were 8/9 when they were allowed to choose and chose not to . Our marriage was vastly improved by the situation as they were horrible people and I’d advise anyone to do the same thing .

I feel sorry for your DH the way they have treated all of you is disgusting. Your DH is clearly trying to win their love that he is never going to get, he needs to go NC with them as well as you obviously for his own mental health but I guess he won’t realise that without therapy. I would show him all of these responses (if you feel you can) and offer to go to therapy with him 🥰 good luck to you all

They sound vile and I think you have put up with more than enough over the years.
I wouldnt want to be in their company and I wouldn't allow the "sprogs" aa she kindly described them, either.
Tell DH he can do what her wants but you will NOT be involved

Just asking, DH is okay?
I only Wonder because you said that
""They are rude, nasty, racist, fattist and generally just not people I would choose to spend my time with."
And DH being their biological son and having been raised by them, he doesn't have any of these traits as well?

Because if he did, maybe that would explain why he can't understand why you don't want to spend more time with them as he has asked you point blank.

From what you describe, they sound like nasty people who have no interest in you and never have, little interest in your husband (their own son,) and are almost disgusted by the idea of their grandchildren (because they're just yucky girls so don't expect us to spend any time with them).
Very odd but, I guess the more that you hear about people's families, the more you find out that there's a whole range of odd out there.

It was very wise of you to remove them from your social media contacts and mute them as well. It's the best thing you can do to not be constantly triggered by their posts which you already know you're not going to enjoy.

I understand your dilemma.
Should you come out and just point blank, blunt as a hammer tell them, "look I don't really like you, and I think you feel the same way, so let's just not pretend otherwise."
Or should you go with the softer approach of "well you know, we're just taking a break right now from social media and life is busy..." (True but not really addressing the issue)
Or try something else.

I think myself, I would want to go point blank blunt, but I don't know if I'd have the courage to do that because, once you do it, there'll be no going back. I doubt they'll respect you more for being completely open and speaking your mind, but you never know. Some people are really weird that way. When you finally have had enough and you're so sick of being polite and you just tell them what you're feeling, and you expect the biggest amount of blowback, I have been shocked when sometimes that actually makes the relationship better. Possibly because they respect you? I don't know. I always expect that kind of bridge burning honesty to go poorly and very occasionally it doesn't.

Or you can just continue drifting away from them, as you've already mentioned, not reminding DH that you haven't seen or called them in a while, not encouraging visits, not engaging in any way in social media, not sending cards or letters.
The relationship will get cold. They'll still always be family because they have to be, but your children won't have a relationship with them (which is the in-laws choice, don't forget that) and you don't have to have much for a relationship with them either. You could suggest if DH wants to get together with them he can do so on his own time, meet them for lunch or something, but more than likely you know what the conversation topical be.
You. And what a troublemaker you are. And how you're driving a wedge between them. And how he shouldn't have married you...

And I've read enough posts to hear that when there's a problem with the in-laws, and partner spend some alone time with in-laws, an awful lot of undermining goes on and then partner comes back home with more doubts about their relationship then when he left.

It's a tricky situation for you. Holidays don't make it any easier, that's for sure.

I'd just like to say being grey rocked feels very weird if you're on the receiving end! I'd much rather the person just said what the problem was rather than taking a back step. I'm pretty sure dd2 has gone grey rock with me. I have mentioned it to dd1 and ds and they don't disagree. Both dd1 and dd2 have dc and whereas dd1 is very keen for me to be involved with her dc, despite me living a few hours from her. I see her regularly, baby sit, facetime etc. Dd2 lives half an hour away and she makes it very difficult for me to visit despite me being very flexible. I did look after her dc for a couple of days in the summer, at short notice, when both her and her dh had to be out of the country at the same time but since then normal service has resumed. She didn't have a great childhood so maybe it's that.

I would confront their negativity every time if you can do it on person. Don’t say you don’t like them, say you don’t want to hear racist/sexist/nasty comments.

On social media,just ignore.
Clearly they have been shit parents.Model the parenting you want.

In theory I agree with you but it all depends how the person on the other end responds when you tell them how awful they are! If your daughter told you what the problem was, would you immediately and violently disagree, turn it back on her and make any further communication difficult if not impossible - and so awkward for everyone around you? Or would you acknowledge her issue and use it as a chance for self-reflection and work on how you can improve things going forward?

I mean we all would like to be honest and tell awful people what we really think about them! But there's a reason it doesn't happen that often. @HappyMummaOfOne clearly expects her in laws to react badly if she confronts them and wants to save her husband from that drama and difficulty. Grey rock is certainly the easier course of action and probably the kindest one in these particular circumstances.

In my case I had to let my husband get there in his own time. If I'd gone in too soon, telling him how awful I found my MIL and her husband he would probably have got defensive and felt his loyalties twisting. He would have chosen me, every time. I can say that without any hesitation. However it would have been very uncomfortable for him to have to process that information and work out how to navigate around it, and would have definitely distracted from him working it out for himself. Natural stubbornness might have made him cling on a bit longer too. There was no point in provoking a confrontation because it wouldn't have changed them as people or made them behave any better. My gradual retreat meant that he knows he made all his own decisions and wasn't influenced or manipulated in any way and can make his case clearly and honestly when uncomfortable conversations happen with other family members. I did as one of the posters above suggested and remained completely non-committal. I didn't engage in conversations with him about them and just gave a gentle mm-hmmm or a very neutral answer when he asked me any direct questions about them and changed the subject as soon as possible. Around them I was polite and civil but very unengaged.

Their behaviour then became soooo bad that I no longer had to take that approach and feel free to slag them off all I like now because he feels exactly the same, but I tend not to because no matter what she's done, she's still his mother and I think he'd like to be able to retain a little bit of love and loyalty for her. I absolutely agree with him and join in the condemnation when I feel he needs the support but I mostly don't think or talk about them at all because I'm really happy not to have to.

My DH is the life and soul of the party type person so at the beginning of our relationship when he would make sexist “jokes” I thought he was genuinely joking as I couldn’t comprehend that he was being serious. Then when we moved in together I realised he really did believe some of the crap he use to say! He definitely believes in woman and men jobs around the house, he had a bit of a wake up call when I refused to cook for him every night 😂
Over time he has woken up to the fact it is 2025 (I think it helps that my dad irons, washes up, cleans ect and can be very domesticated and he has seen this and is close with my dad. Also with us having two girls it has helped.)

But he does have some of their traits and he sometimes lacks empathy. I think a lot of his damage was hidden and has slowly shown itself the further into the relationship. I do not have a problem holding up a mirror to him or telling him when he is being completely unreasonable. He has made changes and can see that his family’s “ways” was not the norm and he can even admit there are aspects of his family’s behaviour he doesn’t agree with which is a massive step in itself.
He is never going to be perfect but he is 100 times better than his parents.

Have you actually asked her why she is distant and what you have done wrong? People don’t distance themselves for no reason so she obviously has a reason to keep you at arms length.
Would you want an honest answer from her?
Do you think if she gave you her reasons you could take any of it onboard and acknowledge her feelings?
You say she didn’t have the best childhood, have you ever discussed this with her? Apologised? Expressed regret that you aren’t close? How do you think she would respond to doing this?

Although I have no need to try and repair my relationship with the in-laws I think if they approached my DH in this way and took some accountability for his childhood and the way they have treated him it would massively improve the relationship they all have between them. Obviously something like this would only happen when hell freezes over but they are different people to you. You have the opportunity to try to improve your relationship with your daughter.

Sorry forgot to quote you @StruggleFlourish

My DH is the life and soul of the party type person so at the beginning of our relationship when he would make sexist “jokes” I thought he was genuinely joking as I couldn’t comprehend that he was being serious. Then when we moved in together I realised he really did believe some of the crap he use to say! He definitely believes in woman and men jobs around the house, he had a bit of a wake up call when I refused to cook for him every night 😂
Over time he has woken up to the fact it is 2025 (I think it helps that my dad irons, washes up, cleans ect and can be very domesticated and he has seen this and is close with my dad. Also with us having two girls it has helped.)
But he does have some of their traits and he sometimes lacks empathy. I think a lot of his damage was hidden and has slowly shown itself the further into the relationship. I do not have a problem holding up a mirror to him or telling him when he is being completely unreasonable. He has made changes and can see that his family’s “ways” was not the norm and he can even admit there are aspects of his family’s behaviour he doesn’t agree with which is a massive step in itself.
He is never going to be perfect but he is 100 times better than his parents.

@HappyMummaOfOne I have apologised for their childhood and she has said that I made the best of a bad situation. Neither of us like confrontation which is part of the problem. The issue with both dd1 and dd2 is their df, neither want him to have anything to do with their dc. We are divorced but still live together atm, she has offered to pay for a solicitor but doesn't appreciate it's difficult because dd3 is still at school. Dd2 is having a baby next week so hopefully during her maternity leave we can talk.

D. Grey rock.

Engage as little as possible. Make excuses to leave the room if they visit. Never visit them yourself. Only make polite chit chat and smile.

If they start a confrontation, act confused and make excuses and go. Act as if nothing is wrong. Gaslight them, essentially.

Neither them or your DH will ever change. Confronting them will achieve nothing.

And if your DH puts up with nasty comments, that's his problem. He is a grown man. If he wanted to change or get therapy, he would. You can't MAKE him

Some people have never learnt about empathy and because of that they lack so much when it comes to relationship building. I imagine that your in laws have a very narrow world view, never had a chance to practice empathy and therefore have grown into adults who are narrow-minded and quite frankly toxic. They obviously have some issues and your husband is probably too involved in their world to see how bad it really is. He may also lack the empathy skills to see how harmful his parents behaviour actually is. I'd advise some couples therapy to chat about family circumstances. Nothing heavy, just to have a safe space to talk about it where the therapist can mediate and help encourage positive management of this situation. X

This. No need to make it complicated. They won’t accept whatever you say, will argue and be rude regardless.
Repeat yourself once then there’s no need to explain further. It’s your choice what you see on your social media. Good luck!

Never ever see them again. Your husband can obviously but not you nor your children.They are AWFUL .

Sorry if I've missed anything OP, but you've made reference to DH having siblings. Do they have spouses/children? How are the relationships between them and the in-laws? How is DH's relationship with his siblings?

Four brothers, three have children.

Eldest son is divorced…twice. (walked out on his 1st wife and two kids!) and in-laws hardly ever see the two girls. Not that they made much effort when the parents were together. This brother seems to only contact the in-laws when he needs something or money.

second eldest has 1 child and last month got married (DH found out by text message after and hadn’t even known they were engaged. In-laws hadn’t thought to mention it to anyone). This brother has a boy and he appears to be their favourite. Not sure how often they see this GC but it’s more than any of the others. This brother seems to get on with in-laws and has been on holiday with them.

Then there is DH and we have two girls. In-law don’t make much effort with our girls.

Youngest son has no kids. Not sure what his relationship with in-laws is like as I avoid him as he is soooooo entitled and up his own arse. Never around his long to know.

DH is not close with his brothers. They hardly text or speak and only really catch up if they run into each other at their parents.

The whole family is dysfunctional and a hot mess! They all seem very self centred (including my husband which I have pulled him up on!) and won’t do anything for others unless there is a benefit for themselves. This is the complete opposite to my family so I find the set up really strange.

Your poor husband. He was - and is - their ongoing victim. He comes from an abusive family - expelling him to live with an aunt???

Therapy is needed - insist he now deals with the legacy of what they did, because without that you and your children are not only having to cope with them, but also having to cope with the unhealed him who minimises their behaviour, and takes their side (which is what 'that's just the way they are' is). Desperate for some crumbs that he was denied as a child.

You're right not to remind him he hadn't seen them in a while. Kinkeeping so often defaults to women anyway, so that's a positive move.

This is YOUR home. YOUR children. And in this situation, your husband is a kind of child.

I'm post meno so I've run out of fucks to give. So I'd be stamping on that Every. Single. Time.

Talking to them like they're children might help.

'Now we don't say nasty, unkind things in our house, do we.'

'Remember - every time we say a nasty thing, everyone thinks we're nasty, don't they.'

And start deploying the kindly 'we're a little concerned you might be losing it' approach with a sweet, tender tone of voice and a little head tilt - 'don't you remember, we talked about this sort of thing last time, dear? Are you getting forgetful?'

🤣 love this!

Jesus, I thought I had problems 🤣, oh OP! You are too nice! And doing so right by your DH, that poor man! If I had the guts I would do option A but given that you’ve explained what type of people they are, I think option B would be good. This way, you can carry on living in bliss and they will know something’s up but won’t be able to argue it with you. Good luck! X