Help - Can’t stand MIL and not sure how to navigate this

[HappyMummaOfOne]

Sorry this is LONG!
I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just feel “done” with my DH’s family and am now in a position that I think a confrontation is approaching and I’m not sure sure how to respond when it does happen.

When we first met I really tried to get on with them but 9 years down the line I just don’t want the negativity anymore and feel it’s more beneficial to distance myself.

For background I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 5 and we have two young children (4 & 1).
.At the beginning we were both living at home with our parents and when visiting him I would make sure he asked permission from them if I could go/stay over, I would always make sure I would say hello and spend a little bit of time with them before DH and I would go out/go up to his room/ head to another room ect - and at the end of the visit I would seek them out to say thank you for having me ect. It was the way I was brought up and I always wanted to be polite whilst in their home.
The very first time I met his mother she refused to look at me/speak to me which I found very strange and it took her two weeks to even acknowledge my presence. I will never truely understand why as my DH couldn’t explain it and just said “oh it’s just the way she is”. When she did eventually start talking to me it was only because DH mentioned I had been to a holiday destination that they were visiting and she suddenly seemed interested in me because I had traveled extensively.

Over time it became very clear that DH parents are EXTREMELY opinionated (to the point if you don’t agree with them they get very argumentative and just won’t let the subject drop) so I quickly realised it was best not to offer up opinions or to just smile and nod to avoid a long rant. They were so rude and offensive with some of their comments I would find myself literally lost for words at what was coming out of their mouths. They are rude, nasty, racist, fattist and generally just not people I would choose to spend my time with. Some of their comments would be directed at my DH and I really struggled to not bite back and defend him but we had a long conversation when we were in private and he made it clear he didn’t want me to “make an issue” and say something so I would always bite my tongue.
Examples :-

• showing his parents a picture of the suit he had chosen for our wedding - MIL “well you won’t look like that you’re double their size! Are you sure it is going to fit”
• Having a meal with them and MIL grabbed his stomach and calling him fatty. Then proceeds to give him the left overs.

Weight comments were constant and she would put him down because his job isn’t as well paid as his brothers.

When we finally bought our first home I asked that he speak to his parents and ask that they stop making nasty comments to him as I said if he didn’t address it then I would as it was now my house and I didn’t want the comments in my own home. He did bring it up in a jokey way and when his mother said “she could say what she wanted” I responded “not in my house” and stared her down.

When I had my first daughter during Covid they asked when I was due…then booked multiple holidays over my due date so they didn’t meet our daughter until she was nearly a month old. They did the same thing with my second. (Great for me as I got peace from them but I know it confused my DH as to why they wanted to be away and not meet their grandchildren like “normal” grandparents.)

• They would then berate me that I wasn’t breastfeeding.
• Made it clear we were not to expect any childcare from them as they had their own lives and didn’t want to look after any “sprogs”.
• We’re disappointed our daughters weren’t boys and even told my husband it was a “shame they are girls”
• When my daughter cried when they were round I was told to put them in the other room and close the door!! (I did not do this obviously)

These are just a couple of the examples.

I continued biting my tongue with the other comments (comments on our decisions as a family, parenting decisions, nasty gossiping about other members of the family ect) but I found that following a visit from his family DH and I would bicker a lot. So two years ago I set myself a New Year’s resolution that I would take a step back in regards to his family. I thought that I would leave the relationship purely in his hands.

• I stopped reminding DH that we hadn’t seen his family for a while so as he wasn’t bothered in sorting contact we could go weeks without seeing or speaking to them even though they only live 5mins away.
• When we did see them I would let DH or in-laws lead the conversation and found it easier to not engage too much. They don’t engage with the kids and barely have a relationship. They spend the visits just talking about their holidays and don’t seem interested in our lives so I stopping offering up information on what we were up to.

I have never stopped DH seeing or speaking to his family and have suggest that he take the kids alone with him if he wanted to see them. This however has caused some friction as he thinks I should “put up” with his mother for him. And I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see them without me.

It all came to abit of a head with a family drama with one of DH brothers and I have removed all of his family from social media, muted them on WhatsApp and planned on happily avoiding them for as long as possible. However today his dad asked my DH if he had done anything wrong and …..my DH said “no of course not”.
So I know an in-law visit is probably imminent and have a feeling someone will ask why I have removed them from social media and don’t see them very much.
What do I say??
A) scream I can’t stand you, you are awful people and I can’t stand being around you!!

B) make up some rubbish about taking a break from social media (but I feel this is just masking the issue and being fake)

C) try to find a way to explain that their actions over the years have upset me and I just don’t want to have a fake relationship with them. They are welcome to see DH and children but I find nothing of value from their interactions and would prefer to not be involved with them.

D) option that I haven’t thought of - welcome suggestions.

Reading this back it doesn’t explain even a fraction of the issues I have with his parents but trying to articulate nine years worth of insults and problems is so hard. When my DH was a child he went to live with his Aunty as his parents “couldn’t cope” with him and wanted to give him up! They eventually took him back after a few months of the Aunty begging them but my DH tries to downplay this as he was just a little shit and it was all nothing. As a parent myself I can’t comprehend this. DH even now as an adult seems desperate for their love and approval which I just don’t think he is ever going to get. They were awful parents and even worse grandparents! I feel he is only wanting to push a relationship with them as he thinks he can somehow win them round but I don’t feel I have anything to prove to them and I don’t need their approval.

Half of me thinks I should just suck it up for DH but the other half of me thinks I shouldn’t have to put up with his parents rude behaviour. What does wise mumnetters think.

B. You’ll never change them so don’t bother trying - just minimal contact and emotionally detach. I wouldn’t tolerate racist or fat shaming comments in front of my DC though, it’s fair to say that to your DH that that is a non-negotiable.

Nails it. DH counselling and possibly OP as well as he will play the vileness down if left to himself,

Why did you buy a place 5 minutes away? Put some distance between you and they will bother you less.

Keep up with the grey rock. If asked about social media be vague and non communal. “I found too much media wasn’t good for me”.

The other thing to be mindful of is not to emote or be the emotional release valve for your husband. If the inlaws do something egregious, and afterwards you show anger or upset about it, that relieves your husband of the need to express it. Mentally, he can bucket you all as the unreasonable ones, and put himself in the poor me victim trole in the middle. It keeps him stuck.

If however, you don’t emote, it gives him space to feel and, more importantly, express those emotions. At first he may get angry at you instead and try to make you express the anger. “Why don’t you care about me?!” If you can hold firm and be calm and agree calmly it sucks and change the subject he has to then deal with the emotions himself.

Thank you so much for your lovely message. I really try to show DH how a “normal” family should be and he sees how my parents are and he keeps saying “I love the way your family all are” but he still thinks/hopes he can recreate this with his parents. I’ve tried explaining that you can’t make people WANT to be involved or make them care.
I think you are right in that this will be a long journey and I have to just be there to support him but protect myself and the kids as much as possible by staying at a distance.

Don't see them again.

Tell DH you don't have to 'put up' with any of this shit. Easier said than done though OP, I know. Ask him why it's important to him that you remain in an abusive relationship with them. That's essentially what he's advocating for.

There does seem to be a strange social expectation that these relationships must be forced if they don't naturally exist. You have to adjust your behaviour/reactions severely but they don't. It's so fucked up.

Haha well I did try looking for houses further afield but we fell in love with this house and it’s also 5/10 minutes from my parents and sister. To be fair it makes no difference them being close as they don’t visit any more often than if we lived further away. Usually a visit every 6-8weeks (which I’ve managed to avoid a few by going out or sending DH to them instead).

This is really insightful and I will definitely try to not emote after a visit moving forward and see how this impacts his response. Thank you

They don't give a penny about you or your felling so the only option that will grant you succeed is reciprocate and grey rock them.
If they ask just say: yes, I'm going out of some media stuff because other people lives is none of my business and if you want me to know something you can tell me straight away. (Which is not going to happen because they don't give a penny).
Options A and C will only add more drama and you don't want that.

@HappyMummaOfOne Please keep your daughters safe! Why should they be around abusive gp who might tell them they are fat and thick and talk badly about you. I wouldn't trust your dh to defend them against his parents because he's too much in denial about their behaviour. Tell them he can see them but if he wants your daughters to see them you need to be sure there is a trusted person around to stick up for them (maybe a bil or a sil?).

In future, when speaking to DH about this, maybe you could approach it by talking about protecting your DCs. Maybe something like:

"Do you really want to allow Piss Head and Knobhead to treat Leia and Luke like they treated you? Do you want Leia and Luke to learn to accept being insulted, put down and called names? To be hurt like you have been? How will you feel when they start insulting Leia and Luke; calling them names, bullying them, and putting them down? Do you want Leia and Luke to keep trying to love people who are nasty to them and do nothing but hurt them? Is that the lesson you want to teach the kids?"

He may not be able to protect himself from his parents (as mentally he's still that poor little boy desperately seeking parental approval and love) but he may be able to protect his kids from them.

I just want to hug your poor husband. They are horrible people, and I wish he could see that. I don't know what to advise, other than objecting to any whateverist remarks made in your home, reacting defensively (but calmly) to any nasty remarks made about you, your husband and your kids, and damn the consequences. Stay icy calm and polite, DO NOT ever get involved in a shouting match. There is nothing more satisfying to oneself, or more irritating to an angry antagonist, than you remaining calm and collected while they are blowing their top. Good luck. Oh, and I agree with blocking them from all social media etc.

Option B, absolutely. A and C are going to cause you nothing but more trouble. They are horrible, horrible people, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Since your DH is obviously bonded to them, the best thing is to be low-contact, as you have been doing. You can't get rid of the problem, but you can reduce it to background noise. Sounds like you're in for a visit soon. The only thing you can do is be diplomatic and it will soon be over.

Sorry you have such awful in-laws. Mine were a circus too, in different ways, and it made me vow to meet the family early on if I ever date again. I'm probably never marrying again anyway, but if I did, I wouldn't consider it unless I really liked the family.

They are toxic - you will never get an acknowledgement or apology about their behaviour from them. They will never realise they are toxic people and suddenly change. Best to go low contact and put your energy into protecting your children from their toxic behaviour.

They are DH's problem - not your Circus not your Monkey's.
I recommend the book - toxic in-laws by Susan Forward

Point at your kids and yourself. Tell him you all love him as he lives you

Ask him if one if your girls plays up, is an 'awful little shit' will he send her away?

He can remake himself if he turns towards you, the family he has made.

“Healthy families” have the balance right. There’s appropriate space for autonomy and respect because nobody wants the drama. It’s in toxic families where there’s no space and disregard that all these boundary violations take shape.
You’re on the right track OP - it’s about being “busy”, “unavailable” and never engaging in the drama. Your DH must go to his family and leave you out of it.

Easiest way would have been to mute them and they wouldn't have realised.

Well they still don’t seem to have “got it” because they only asked DH why they don’t see me much 🙄
Like how can I spell it out any clearer without actually saying the words! I avoid visiting them, I find reasons not to be here when they come to visit, I don’t respond to messages, I removed them from social media…..not sure other than putting up a banner saying you are toxic people and I don’t want to see you that they will realise 😂

I did this with mine.
It's easier because there's a physical distance.
I'll talk on video calls if I'm caught with them but I don't have any other contact. I've never prevented dh or the kids having contact but I fully grey rock them.
Nobody can ask about social media because we all curate what we want the world to see. Just say 'I tightened up my settings'.
I definitely wouldn't have them spouting hate in my house though, same goes for friends or kids friends. I give them one chance by challenging them, then they don't come over again.

This!

no point in telling them. I think it would only increase their animosity towards you. It would be like declaring war- the subtle digs would turn into an outright smear campaign.

they won’t change- only double down and tell everyone how awful you are to them.

Your poor DH. He needs therapy to understand his upbringing so he can deal with this. MIL sounds massively narcissistic

Yours kids spend most of their time with you and they will grow up with your morals. Mine will gladly challenge racism and misogyny from anybody in the family and I'm really proud of them for it.
Don't force the children to go to see them if they don't want to as they get older but never stop them going because that makes you the bad one.

I'd go for C - keep it as short and to the point as what you've posted, don't go into a list of all the wrongs they've done you as they will stop listening and/or weaponise it.

They won't like it, they'll try to make it into an argument, but just 'grey rock' any response. 'I've let you know my feelings, that is the end of the dicussion about this' until they shut up and/or go away.

MILs; aren't they wonderful? Your DH sounds like a mummy's boy imho. Dare I say somewhat of a feminised man, perhaps. It will take time to correct this.

Totally unprovoked, my MIL called me an alien three times in front of everyone; my now DH, and my now BIL and FIL. She made it clear I was not wanted in the house, so I walked out and sat in my car. FIL came looking for me and said I could come back in, so I did, very, very carefully. We weren't married at the time and we were still teenagers.

My MIL isn't nearly as horrible these days, although still rather opinionated. My only working theory is that she was menopausal at the time and wasn't on any form of hormonal therapy, so she was 'roughing it'. Her attitude on most things absolutely stunk and the atmosphere in the house was usually thick with tension. Like I said, MIL has mellowed out a lot since then, although some of her comments can still be a bit barbed, and some of what she says are straightened out by FIL simply because they come off hypocritical or omitting a lot of context.

I don't want to say to cut contact because you'd be doing that in the heat of it all and you don't want to cause a long-standing rift in the family on the back of stupid comments and exchanges. It's not good for the pair of you or your children.

Start firing back, but stay polite and tame. One's own medicine doesn't taste nice in the majority of cases.

As horrible as his parents are to him, your DH is an adult and all you can do is be there for him.

Your children, on the other hand, need protecting from their emotional abuse.

I think your choices need to be putting up with them so that you can be there whenever they are around your children (and being immediately ready to stand up for them regardless of how uncomfortable it might make you feel), or stopping your children seeing them altogether.

If they visit without you there, who immediately shuts down any comments about them? Your DH may not be strong enough to tackle them, given their treatment of him.

Option C.

Your ILs are spectacularly shit people who have cause your husband massive damage. You may encounter unavoidable issues with your DH over this as you have picked off the scab and exposed their inadequacies as parents. Your DH has put up with their abuse for years by taking all the blame and glossing over the pain. You not accepting their behaviour shows him they are in the wrong and his world view is wrong. If he’s open to it, some therapy will help him come to terms with how they have failed him which he’ll need to do. His parents broke him, he’s going to have to fix himself.

Boundaries. Having boundaries doesn’t mean making other people do what you want them to, it means you do not accept their behaviour. Your boundaries shouldn’t depend on other people. You will not be spoken to in a disrespectful way in your house. You will not tolerate insults in your house. You will not spend time with people who clearly don’t like or respect you. You will not allow your children to be exposed to abusive behaviour.