To think ds has adhd

[tickclocktock]

I’ve tried to convince myself he hasn’t but I kind of think he must …

He’s 5. Been at school today. After dinner I put the TV on.

Ds just … won’t sit down. He endlessly circles the room, relocating toys from one part of the house to another, standing right in front of the tv, scraping his chair across the floor, climbing on the back of the sofa. Just will not sit down.

Obviously I tell him not to but he ignores me. Or does it then moves back.

I am stressed out with constantly nagging him; our relationship is poor as a result.

I don’t know what next steps are.

@stomachamelon it is hard to say. I haven’t been feeling great all week and I probably have been overreacting to some stuff.

But the thing is, and I know I am repeating myself a bit here, I do have to parent in the real world, my world, and that does sometimes mean the TV goes on.

He has seemed slightly less ‘wired’ today for want of a better word. I have always found ds easier to manage out of the house, and if I only had him we could be out and about all the time, but I can’t drag a tired two year old out all the time in all weathers, I have to balance their needs. Sometimes I don’t feel I’m doing a good job of that.

I really try to make time for one to one time with ds. I always read with him at night and I do book things for him but it’s limited.

I relate very much to your point about screens. But also to your last paragraph! I am currently finding it tough going parenting a very “lively” 4yo boy, whose behaviour sometimes really confuses and exasperates me. As an extremely “good”, people-pleasing child (and adult), I find it difficult to understand when he behaves poorly. I also feel like a useless parent as I feel that I do all the right things and yet his behaviour reflects terribly on me. Obviously, I take responsibility for my failings, but I do wonder whether some of it is just personality. My younger child is not the same.

Op - I understand this, I absolutely saw from about 5 years old that my daughter is neurodiverse - you know as a parent when your child is veering off the 'norm'.

the thing is - even if he does reach the diagnostic criteria - he is just the same child - the reason it helped me having the diagnosis was I changed my expectations - I stopped wishing and hoping my autistic child would join in with kids playing sports or run off on busy playdates - or go to after school club when she was absolutely exhausted after school etc. It did make things easier.

but I still had to find a way for her to be her - in the world and at home.

My son is very high energy and was always better outdoors or with a friend over.

Could you have regular playdates at your house? would that focus his playful energy?

Could he go to after school club and burn off a bit of running about vibes - I know I said this in an earlier post but for ND kids, (or - to be honest - lots of kids! but just particularly the high energy ones) p school is HARD - its tiring, there is a lot of instruction and they may need to let loose some wild feral energy afterwards

I remember crying at the dark evenings when my son was little - he is not adhd just very bouncy kid - he was climbing the walls at home and yes you can't always find something to do - but it might be the key if you cld find a couple of things after school.

I wouldn’t do TV after school/dinner - too much stimulation. If you can, do a park/playground for half an hour after school instead.

5 is probably too young for a diagnosis. My DS is 6 and we’re currently exploring one for him.

It’s hard, but try not to be too tough on him- it’s not their fault. Ask school for a meeting; ask about an assessment and what he’s like in class. Then ask what they can do at school to support him: wobble cushion, fidget toy, ear defenders; basically anything to help him focus a bit and not get lost.

Good luck OP.

I’m getting very hard time about the TV. No, I’m not going to a park or playground in the pitch black in gale force winds, heavy rain and fog, just no, not happening, not now,
not next month and not the month after. In spring, possibly. But right now no. No, no, no!

I struggle to understand how you can say using a tablet is lazy parenting but you stick your DC in front of a TV and won't take them to the park until spring. Your comments make it seem like you're unwilling to try anything to help your DC.

Look - have you missed the amber weather warning we had yesterday? And the fact that by 530 it is pitch black?

In the context of complete darkness, high winds, heavy, gushing rain and floods I don’t think sticking the TV on is lazy. I think going to the park in that would be insanity quite honestly, as well as fucking dangerous!

People are being ridiculous. The park in pitch black, wet weather?

I agree tv is just adding to your problems though. If I were you I'd just leave a board game out of some Lego. I find dc quickly get engaged or find something they prefer- drawing, playing. Either way they are doing something that isn't screens.

😂 anyone would think that it was something really abnormal and strange.

Look, jury is out whether ds has adhd or not. But whether he does or not, I can’t really play a board game with him while I’m doing the dinner. I think the thread is best wrapped up there; it’s just become endless focusing on the TV rather than attempting to be helpful. I’m sure there’s a lot I could do differently but ultimately I live in my world, not an idealised one with a chef who cooks the dinner while I smile serenely and play snakes and ladders.

I think part of parenting the child/children you have, is picking your battles. And I agree that going to the park after school through a UK winter is often impractical and a bit shit. Even if it isn’t pouring with rain, it’s never going to be a hallmark movie experience.

My DS is now in his 30’s and wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood. Believe me, we tried, but apparently he just needed to try harder to sit still and concentrate, because he clearly had/has ability. But my point is that at your DS’s age, his thing was watching technical videos which used to be commonly included with household appliances like washing machines and vacuums. He would watch them over and over after school, much to mine and DH’s bemusement. Now that I have a better understanding of ADHD (I work in an adjacent field), I can see this was a form of sensory seeking, calming him after his day. I think your DS too is finding his outlet, it’s just that it’s not working for you.

So whilst I don’t necessarily think that sitting still on the sofa is right for your DS, I wonder how else he could meet his needs, that you would find less annoying? Ignoring the perfect parents, most of us asked our DC about their day, gave them a drink and went through their book bags, before using the TV to entertain them whilst we cooked dinner. It’s not neglectful, it’s parenting 101.

What I would suggest is to ask yourself honestly how much of a problem is the standing in front of the TV? Is it actively dangerous or just annoying? If it’s dangerous, then your best plan is to find another safer route for his energy. Accept that sitting still isn’t likely and find an alternative. Get an indoor trampoline, a pull up bar for a door frame, to be used in your eyeline only, or some exercise bands and let him wriggle away.

Alternatively, if letting him stand too close to the TV isn’t harmful, could you let him do it? Agree that it only until dinner and then the TV goes off until later, and he doesn’t get to stand in front of adult TV later on.

I also wanted to say that I get the panic that comes with the realisation that a condition like ADHD might be a possibility, and I’m not going to sugar coat it and pretend that it’s an easy ride. What I will say is that my DS now works in a job that gives him an adrenaline fix and that works for him. He’s also happy, sociable and in a long term relationship.

Have you talked to his teachers at all? He presumably isn't lapping the classroom once a minute and standing in front of the board? Maybe ask them how they do it?

@CarefulN0w i did have a tough week and I probably overreacted to a lot of stuff. At the moment a lot of it could be ‘normal’ high energy little boy. I agree he does need to let off energy and I do give him so many opportunities to do so - just ,,, not at that time, in that weather 😂

@Elsvieta it’s a completely different environment in school. I know myself children are very different at home and school. Even my second, ‘easier’ child doesn’t tantrum at nursery and most mysteriously of all eats cauliflower and spinach, neither of which she will at home!

Oh God no. I did not mean play a board game with him. Leave out one he can play with his sibling. If not he can find something else to do. It's a wankery term but I do find 'invited play' works very well with my ds. Just leave out something in the middle of the room and dont mention it. Could be a tray of Lego, or Playmobil or anything.

Op, I think you are inconsistent. No screens but tv is fine? Ds is 14. He now does watch tv. But.... with the sub titles on. Because he literally cant absorb what's happening on the screen very well when he just watches.

A tablet on the other hand, was always easier. And like the poster above, he often watched realy odd basic things. It was calming for him. Even now, I occasionally pick up his phone to see what his algorithm shows him... its cat videos mostly!!!

I would be considering shifting his tv time to tablet time myself.

I didn’t say no screens, I said no tablets. I do think they are damaging because they are very addictive. And yes, I probably am inconsistent insofar as some days we will watch TV and others we won’t; depends on weather, how everyone feels, the state of the nation, etc. We are not having a tablet for many years, it just won’t be happening. I’m sure he would concentrate on it, and forgo everything else which would be sad really.

But the environment is created by the adults who control it, right? And he's the same child (either capable of understanding adult instructions, eg "Don't stand there and block everyone's view of the board", or not). The home environment has an adult who declares herself to be "powerless" over one 5yo. The classroom has a bunch of 5yo, and an adult who does not believe themselves to be powerless, and isn't. The home environment has a parent who fiercely resists every suggestion on how she might take control, rejecting ideas without trying them; at school, they're in control. The home environment is teaching him that ignoring adults and responding with aggression when they try to control him will make them back down, and get him his way. The school is teaching him something else. Do you really not want to know how to do that? Do you know what their techniques are? Have you asked? Would they let you sit in and observe?

He might just settle a bit with age. But what if he doesn't - and if you never succeed in asserting your authority? How do you picture life in ten years, say? Will you still be helplessly bleating that you're "powerless" over a violent teen? Because that could become a problem for other people, not just you. That could turn into a tragedy.

Make an appointment with the school. Talk about getting an ADHD assessment, and ask if you can observe some classes.

I think it’s well known that a lot of children who are neurodivergent manage to hold it together in school but then need to “let go” once they get home to their safe environment. The change in behaviour is very much not about parents not “controlling” children as well as teachers.

My ADHD child WILL focus on a screen but not in the all consuming way you imagine, my son will play a game but needs to be a strategy game that gets his brain whirring for his body to stay still. He'll build in Minecraft or navigate animal crossing or Zelda worlds but also he interacts constantly while doing it, constantly narrating himself to us or his 4 yr old sister. I've seen friends kids completely zone out in front of a cartoon or Disney movie and I have never seen my kids or anyone in my family do it. I actually have come to the conclusion neurotypical kids are more likely to zone than neurodivergent kids because they can entirely settle to the show or whatever. I'm not saying get him a tablet but I wouldn't be too afraid of him trying one here and there.

Also sometimes you have to be home and TV is needed, I totally get that. My advice isn't saying you're doing anything wrong. It's just broader advice from someone whose been there.

All those advising you to put rules in place and generally be a better parent clearly have never parented a child with SEN.

I speak to your GP who will refer you to Early years intervention who were instrumental in me getting an autism diagnosis for my DC. How is he at school?

But the old saying that boys are like dogs and need exercising is not incorrect. Not easy when the weather’s shit I know.

My kid is currently ‘washing’ dishes in the kitchen sink. It’s a sensory thing - he just lives his hands in water. I used to try and limit it because water everywhere etc - but now I just put a bunch of towels down and let him do his thing lol. Sometimes his dinosaurs need a bath or whatever but I try to find ways he can still satisfy his urges without making it too difficult for me if that makes sense- because he will still feel the need to play constantly with water or constantly jump and climb. So I have learned over time to relax about things - don’t get me wrong sometimes it still winds me up if the timing is bad but it’s a journey lol. 😜
anyway I’m going to enjoy a cup of tea now while my son washes all the tea spoons while talking to them and giving them voices lol.

I wouldn’t demonise screens - there’s a lot of really good educational apps suited to that kind of age are engaging without being OTT over-stimulating. I often used them in preference to TV - we had some problem solving games, music games etc which were great, really good quality. You just have to do a bit of research and maybe be prepared to pay something to avoid the crappy content.

Two and five is a hard age, even with NT kids, as their needs are quite different. That should get easier.

One of my ND DS was definitely more challenging around 5 as his emotional regulation was less mature and he has learned to manage his reactions much better. You often hear about things getting more obvious as they get older which is often true but it doesn’t necessarily mean it gets harder. DS is very physically hyperactive but he’s much more emotionally mellow aged 9.

This is your right. But I would strongly recommend that if you suspect he has adhd, you do some reading and research on screens for children like this. My child is not addicted. We have always had very clear boundaries in place- in our case, we didnt limit screen time per se but we 100% insisted that screen time was only after anything else that needed to be done was done and screens INSTEAD of z or y was not an option. Worked for us and he has a really good balance now. And there is no doubt that finding a way for him to handle the emotional and physical disregularion has been key to him maturing and developing in a way that frankly, I was worried at one point would never happen.

I dont blame you for being concerned - dn who we suspect also has adhd (younger) has been allowed screens but done in a way that is hugely detrimental. So you aren't wrong to be cautious. But I reiterate that you should do the research to understand how an iPad can be easier than the tv - even if hes watching the same thing.

Many many young children struggle to sit still- he’s not disobeying you, he really can’t help it. Making sure he gets lots of exercise every day, and things like mini indoor trampoline or a peanut chair can be helpful, along with lowering your expectations!