To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

Yes you are missing something. She is making demands on a daily basis and then being manipulative by trying to drive a wedge between a married couple when she doesn’t get what she wants.

Red flags? No idea whether there are any or not. The point is, if I didn’t trust my dp to be able to carry a woman’s pram upstairs without shagging her, my relationship would be over. Even if she was wearing a t shirt saying “Free sex here!”incidentally, I’d also be reconsidering my relationship if he refused to spend 10 minutes a day making life a little easier for a neighbour.

Exactly. And you have hit the nail on the head with one word: occasional.

Of course, you would need to take some time to work out whether your concerns were well founded or not before broaching the subject. That isn't really what I'm talking about though.

If I felt that I had to ban my DH from helping a neighbour because he couldn't be trusted with her, or that I had to install a ring doorbell to keep an eye on him when he was wfh, then that would be a good sign that the trust between us had evaporated.

Yes, because hyperbole always wins an argument. Sigh. 🙄

Or it could just be a sign you’re sick to death of your neighbour keep pestering you and don’t want to keep answering the door to her.

In that scenario, I would discuss my irritation with my DH and leave him to deal with it.

She sounds young, immature & a bit overwhelmed tbh. And your husband sounds like he's enjoying white knighting & being needed by her. Even if she were married, if her husband was working, she'd have to manage these things daily herself, while they were at work. I'd be upset at the messaging him about you being unkind & that she's been crying, that's bonkers, and a closer emotional relationship than she should have with a neighbours husband. Who on earth messages someone about their wife, like that. He's a fool if he thinks sulking about it is an acceptable response & should really examine why he feels like her messaging him in that way was appropriate. Even if he wanted to help her & disagreed with you, he should've been stamping that behaviour out immediately. But he hasn't & that's the issue.

@CurlewKate , are you really that naïve that you can't see the red flags?

It really isn't a case of "The point is, if I didn’t trust my dp to be able to carry a woman’s pram upstairs without shagging her, my relationship would be over."

Channel 5 will be taking notes here for their next drama. You’ll be played by Jill Halfpenny.

This^
what does your DH say when you say-well you left me to manage the same stuff alone?

She sounds like she isn’t coping, she needs to seek proper help rather than relying on you. She’s also being ridiculous saying she can’t manage on public transport or stairs - I had 2 dc in a flat before the days of flat entry buses and didn’t drive, i went out all the time.

Hi op the fact he’s not his usual self is a red flag most normal people will just get on with it and even forget the interaction but like others have mentioned he seems to care for her which is really odd. She might have told the council she needs to live there because the dad is there you never know. I really hope not for your sake but maybe remind your dh that you had to this with baby and toddler and you never came home to help so why can’t ndn get on with it. Tell him it’s not your responsibility she should have moved somewhere more suitable for her needs what would she have done if an elderly person lived where you did and couldn’t help her. I would call him out tbh otherwise you have a very large elephant in the room.

It is exactly that.

This is exactly how I see it...

Yes, the problem here is him not understanding that NDN messaging him about feelings of upset when you spoke to her is crossing a line. It's worth noting that most of the posters who've disagreed with you that there's anything wrong have failed to address this part.

@CurlewKate , It really isn't.

she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.
Someone else's DH.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week
Not taking No for an answer.
She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument ..
Coming between OP and DH, and DH is siding with NDN.

It's gone far beyond asking for occasional help and into Cheeky Fuckery.

The thing is that it’s not about no trust in the DH, the fact is that affairs can creep up on people, and spending time with someone can bring feelings and cause an affair when there was never any intent at the beginning. Getting to know people can cause an attraction to flourish, so that’s why we have boundaries.

It’s not as black and white as saying well if I don’t trust my DH with another woman then we should divorce. I am sure that my DH is fully committed to our relationship, but I wouldn’t like him spending a lot of one on one time with another woman even if it started off as purely innocent, because that’s when feelings can begin even when there was no bad intent at the start.

I agree @Goldshelfie

I agree .

If this was 75 -yr old Pauline or Graham asking the DH, they'd have been fobbed off weeks ago.

I'm sure most people help their neighbours occasionally. But I do not believe people stating they would not mind at all if they had to do everyday tasks for someone else several times per day, every day. Healthy young woman cannot carry her groceries up the stairs?

Same here. I left home at 18, had my son at 22, lived in a Victorian conversion on the second floor (so you know it had many steps and the hallway was narrow) and I just had to get on with it. This was also back in the days where the busses were not pram friendly and lifts were a rarity.

This neighbor just seems lazy, taking the piss, and just wants an easier time of it rather than her actually struggling with motherhood in general or struggling with the pram due to a physical disability ,etc.

My 17 year old ( who is almost 18) can be like this. He will always opt for the easy route/try to have it handed to him on a plate even if that means inconveniencing others before trying things for himself, and each time I lay into him about this because if I keeled over tomorrow, then what?!?

That said, neighbor can ask all she likes, if partner can’t see what she is doing is ridiculous and going to him complaining about his wife is unacceptable then he actually needs binning.

It’s your DH’s sulking when asked to stop that’s the worry.

When I met DH he had an old school friend who treated him a bit like a boyfriend on nights out. It came to a head just before we got married when she got drunk and admitted she fancied him. DH’s reaction was to tell her that she needed to stop it or they could no longer be friends. I have no doubt that he would have followed through on that if necessary.

Also, why do women think they can makes decisions for their husbands/partner based on her own prejudices? I'm not saying he should be helping so much but having his mummy-wife telling the neighbour he won't be helping is embarrassing.

Given that DH gave out OPs phone number to NDN rather than OP deciding to do it herself, worth considering whether being involved in the other's social relationships is just the dynamic in this couple.