To have told NDN that dh won’t be helping her anymore?

[Babycarrierdilemma]

NDN has a young baby. We live on the second floor and she has been knocking or messaging every day wanting dh to help her up and down the stairs with the pram.

She has asked twice for a lift to an appointment next week as said she couldn’t manage the train alone. I told her that he can’t take her and she should sort out a taxi to which she said she cant manage car seat / pram and baby alone.

I had 2 carriers from when dc were little so I took them round and gave them to her said I didn’t have instructions but I was happy to show her or could send her the link to YouTube for each one. I said to her that we can’t help her anymore as it’s really getting too much. It literally is as I’m fed up of the daily requests and it’s almost like learned helplessness?

She messaged dh that evening upset and he’s told me I’ve been really unkind ??? It’s caused an argument and I’ve had to say it’s now a deal breaker if he continues to let her disrupt our lives this way?

You have an absolute right to set boundaries but...

1. If DH is doing the helping then it's up to him to set the boundary himself - if he wants to. You can't speak for him
2. It seems you've gone from super helpful straight to zero. This could be a bit bewildering to NDN who might not have much insight into how demanding she's being.

I imagine NDN is really struggling so I think it'd be kind to go and see her, tell her something you CAN help with (e.g. watching the baby once a week while she takes delivery of her groceries), and maybe help her work out some coping and support mechanisms.

Give a man a fish, etc.

Yes, I've not many people who think it's ok to text someone slagging off their spouse either.

As a mumsnet user are you counting yourself in this 'not nice' category?

I'm all for helping people but I think you're right nipping this in the bud. As a single parent and it can be difficult but she can't rely on neighbours that she's known for a few weeks to pick up the slack for her .it's one thing occasionally helping to lift things up the stars when you see her and another responding to text sdaily to do things. How was she intending to get to where she was going without a lift from your husband before she moved in or did she plan that trip assuming he would help. I also think she's an absolute neck complaining to him to him about you and he's got an absolute brass neck to be prioritising her and helping her over your feelings. You just need to be careful that now this doesn't become a secret thing where he doesn't tell you that he's helped her. He works from home and the next step would be her inviting him in for coffee, inviting him in for lunch . my partner has female friends and I have male friends but it's her dependence on him and what seems to have become an expectation that he will be there for her that is an issue. would he be jumping up and down to help a man I suspect he wouldn't be quite so keen. what was she planning to do if when she moved in the people across the way were in their 80s?

Thankfully most of the people I know in real life are far more empathic and kind than you are- you seem to be actually angry that the OP and her husband have made up.

Geez.

I don't believe anybody who says they would not mind one bit being asked to do random stuff for neighbour multiple times per day, every day. Unless you are really bored and that's your only social interaction or something?

I'm being deadly serious. Read the OP's messages back.

The neighbour didn't say the OP was 'mean'. Her husband did, after the neighbour was upset that she had been told he couldn't help her.

For all we know, the new mum messaged him to genuinely say sorry for putting so much on him and his wife, she didn't mean to. And he - rightly imo - said his wife is being mean.

Because she is.

She asks for help bringing her food delivery up if the delivery driver won't take it upstairs. So it's not every week, because sometimes the delivery driver will, and it's no big deal taking it upstairs.

She's asked for help getting to two appointments, and the OP has said no.

And she asks for help taking her pram up and downstairs.

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with any of that. If the neighbour hadn't asked, I would offer to carry the pram up and down, and I would ask my husband to do the same. I do it at train stations - doesn't everyone? When you see a mum on their own with a kid in a pushchair?

It's causing a problem in their marriage because the OP is being weird about it. She's threatened divorce because an upstairs neighbour interrupted a film ffs. Nothing sane or reasonable about it.

I'd be fuming if there was no good reason.

I'd cheerfully help a new mum out.

Why can't your DH decide who he helps? I think it's very manipulative and controlling for you to have the conversation with NDN without speaking to your husband about it when you are supposedly speaking on his behalf. Imagine your husband deciding who you were allowed to help.

The neighbour told OP’s husband that she’d been crying all afternoon because OP had been unkind to her, when in fact OP had gone round and given her some baby carriers as a gift.

As long as he's just your doormat it's fine though?

I do it at train stations - doesn't everyone? When you see a mum on their own with a kid in a pushchair?
Yes, and one the tube, as and when it happens. But almost by definition it's not inconvenient for me when I'm at a station; I offer when I'm going in the same direction/up or down the same steps as them. People at stations don't call you over when you're going the opposite way, or standing talking to someone, or looking at something, which is the equivalent of what a neighbour who messages you every time it suits them is doing.

Exactly this! 👏🏼 It’s a red flag from the neighbour to bitch to OP’s husband about her (not to mention outright lying by saying she’s been “unkind” when she’s actually been really nice giving her two carriers), and a red flag from the husband to stand with the neighbour and not his WIFE.

Marriage should be “two yeses or one no” and if the neighbour’s behaviour is bothering OP (and I think most people would rightly be bothered by the constant interruptions alone, let alone the escalation to manipulative behaviour with OP’s husband), then it needs to STOP. Either husband gets on board, or he can move in with the neighbour and become the new baby daddy (I wouldn’t put it past the neighbour to be trying this anyway!).

I’m a little older than you. I no longer-if I ever did-think my dp is likely to shag our neighbour on the stairs!

So many deeply unpleasant replies here. Of course it's too much to do these things daily for the neighbour, and fair enough for OP to have said so.

That doesn't mean the neighbour is manipulative or a cf or anything other than that she's alone and struggling and desperate.

I nearly died with the sleep-deprivation and stress, carrying a baby and a buggy up 3 flights daily with all the shopping was very dangerous for my baby, as I could barely manage it. Getting trains and buses was incredibly difficult indeed. I didn't ask neighbours for help, but can imagine why this woman would be in a desperate state and upset if she thought it was ok to have that daily support and is now losing it.

It sounds like she really needs more people around her supporting her and should be talking to her HV or GP.

I've read the OPs replies thanks...and It's not just about about a pram up and down stairs though is it? She asks for so much more than the odd bit of help, the point is the OP is not fine about it and that should be enough

I know it’s hard being a new mum but she’s taking the mick a little!! Also how dare she message your husband afterwards to almost manipulate him into being in her side.

I have to ask is there any possibility this is his baby? It something has happened with them because it’s a little odd that he’s helping her more than his wife!

Your husband can help as much as he likes, however it’s excessive and she’s not going to learn to cope if she doesn’t have to figure things out herself. For me, I wouldn’t want my husband hanging round with a single younger woman, baby or not.

Do you think that it was appropriate of her to complain about the OP to her husband?

That's quite a spin you've put on things.

The fact of the matter is that this woman and OP's DH seen desperate to see eachother and OP rightfully doesn't like it.

If they’re not already! He’s wfh all day while he’s wife off at work and she’s downstairs on her own with a baby!

Neighbour sounds like a cheeky fucker. It's one thing helping if it's desperately needed but she's knocking daily and taking the absolute piss. She lives alone with a baby she needs to learn to manage to do some things herself. Whilst she probably didn't intentionally choose to be a single parent she is one and needs to manage herself and her baby accordingly. She can't go imposing herself on you and your husband for every little thing. Taking her baby to appointments etc she should be able to manage a bus or train ride with a little one in the pram I mean come on public transport accommodates wheelchair users so it's not like she's going to come across any obstacles getting a pram on them. Seems she's taking advantage of your husband's kindness. To go behind your back with a sob story painting you out to be a nasty cow is manipulative and your husband shouldn't have even entertained her whining

She's a cheeky fucker.
I had a boss like this who when pregnant expected me to do her morning shifts because she had morning sickness. I put my foot down and said no. I had 3 kids and had morning sickness but had a job every time.
Keep putting your foot down op she is taking the piss.

It takes a village doesn’t mean “it takes a strangers husband.” And it certainly doesn’t extend to getting so intimate with said husband you feel comfortable crying to him about how his mean old wife has suggested lines are being crossed.

This woman needs to find her own village, not saddle up beside a taken man and use him for every ounce of needed emotional and physical support.

You feel it’s a ‘cat pissing territory’ issue when the dh is ‘helping’ everyday afd us asked to fo more and more for her.
When do you think he should stop? When she is making advances to him? When he’ll have to take time off work (like taking her to an appointment)?

I hope the dh was happy to do all of that for the OP when she had THEYR babies. And he wasn’t expecting her to go to appointments on her own and just, you know, get on with life as a new mother…..