Important hello for everyone

[FriendlyHedgehogMeow]

Hello mumsnet people

That is the reason we give Ptolemy oysters , if he doesn;t get them opened and necked in 20 minutes they go rancid .
Avocados can be a bit too forgiving.

And Ptolemy is on a Tag so bed time is 21.00 .
I suggest you investigate this for Jonquil , it sounds like he's heading that way anyway

You’re such a great mum. Just bear that in mind at his trial in a few years time.

🤣🤣🤣

I'm 54 and keep getting negative pregnancy tests.

I haven't had a period since 2009 and my husband and I never have sex.

In fact I only have sex with my lesbian lover these days. My husband can't get it up anymore.

Could I be pregnant?

It’s possible. Could you get a test from Waitrose?

That ship has sailed unfortunately shake , I spend more time waiting in court rooms than my living room.

Ptolemy is seriously mis understood . Most people don't even get past his name and called him Ptolemy which gives him a rage , honestly they don;t even try

OMG, congratulations hun

Disgusting. All those are very risky behaviours. I can't believe you are not pregnant on a weekly basis.

You need to be on the pill, on the depot, an implant and coil. Your husband should be slathering his penis in spermicide and wearing a condom at all times. ALL TIMES.

He’s obviously super bright and his school haven’t been stretching him enough. I’m pretty sure it’s their fault.

Gosh , no , Boots has extra points on at the moment . While you;re there stock up on your Odour Eaters, breath minds , Acnecide cream, haemorrhoid cream, Canestan, Senna Extra, PeptoBismal, Windeze tablets , hair removing cream, wax strips for your back and your nose hair , extra thick nails cutters, athletes foot powder, ear wax remover , dandruff shampoo, extra strong roll on antiperspirant and that stuff to stop you biting your nails' .
You won;t be embarrassed buying your pregnancy test AND lots of bonus points

Can I blame the school still ? He's 26 nearly with a Masters ...........

Good point, that’s trickier. Has he got an overbearing GF that you hate? He likely has PTSD from living with her?

Don;t forget , in dinnerladies they did query if sperm can get through a sash window .......

So don;t rule it out .

🤣🤣🤣 They can be pretty drafty

He hasn't got a GF , his wife is a bit unreasonable there .

Shocking.
Has she considered starting a thread on here about this?

Your husband should be slathering his penis in spermicide and wearing a condom at all times. ALL TIMES

He does.
Even his penis beaker is full of spermicide.

Not that he ever ejaculates these days but anyway you can't be too careful

I don't know , she has totally Grey Rocked me .
Nothing to do with her completely unreasonable treatment of The Messiah (Ptolemy) but she demanded I put my FurBaby dog in the garden because it "looked at her funny"
This was mid May . She expected me to put my dog in the garden in MAY .

Ptolemy is booking his Free 30 Minutes with a Lawyer and getting his Ducks In a Row .

Can I recommend you fill it with Quick Dry cement , it'd have to be dark obvs so he doesn't see it .
Then he'll permanently have "something on the end of it" as advised by Jeremy Kyle

I’m not answering the door or the phone because I’m busy making a massive salad to have with quinoa, washed down with half a thimble of red wine. Am I drinking too much???

I hate these competitive undereating threads. Seek help OP, for the love of god.

Half a thimbleful of wine indicates incipient alcoholism and you need to address this vigorously.

Start going to AA and go to your GP to confess. But I imagine that your liver is already fucked.

Yes I suspected my liver had probably packed its bags and left. Quick question: AIBU; My NDN has asked if I could possibly take in 3 camels that are being delivered to her to take part in her Nativity tableau as she’ll be out when the van arrives. I said I will but I’m not completely happy about it. WWYD?

peckin awa, peckin awa

Half a thimble every week ?

My bottle of !976 Beaujolais Nouveau barely has a dent in it , we just lick the cork and put it away .