Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

It's very rude. I don't know why some people find it so hard to be considerate. If there is a good reason - lack of space maybe - just say so. Anyone could understand that blood relatives might take priority in such a situation. However, personally I'd just go along with it to keep the peace. The reception is the main event.

Not a big deal. The reception is the best part. The registry has limited capacity

Well no, if we were treated all the same then I would have had to go spend every other weekend with my step sister's dad along with 50% of the time with my other step sister's mum, along with us all shifting between my mum and dad etc. Physically impossible.

Whichever way you look at it, (restricted numbers, whatever) the happy couple have a priority list and neither you nor your older DS are on it. Your husband and younger DS seem OK with that.

Is the expectation that you will travel together and that you'll stay in your room until the reception. Hidden away like a guilty secret?

Personally I would spend time with people who value me and want my company. Book a weekend away, and make sure that your DH and younger son know they won't be on the invite list.

I’d just refuse to go to the whole thing. It’s so fucking rude.

He’ll learn then won’t he?

It's amazing how many people think it's okay to exclude the step-son. Both "boys" are adults at 19 & 26.
BiL is inviting his brother and brother's bio-son to the marriage ceremony and excluding wife and step-son. That's bloody rude. OP's husband should see this as such and be offended. He should be telling his brother they attend family events as a family of four.

Not the same at all, fgs. 🙄

You can't just make up the OP would be annoyed if the sons partner wasn't invited.

I get what you mean about child free weddings, but then all children are excluded, not just some.

If the OP has been with her DH, I'd have thought they would know the son? How do they know the nephew if they haven't spend time with the family for 2 decades?

We shall agree to disagree.

You either invite both individuals in a couple or neither, imo. I wouldn’t go to any of it if it was me. But my partner wouldn’t entertain the idea of going without me in any case, whereas yours doesn’t seem to have your back over this. Jeezo, some family.

Mine neither.

How close are you to the bride and groom and do you want to attend the reception part of the wedding yourself? I think my reaction would depend on a number of things- would you have previously said that you had been treated well by this part of the family?

Are you the bride?

This!

Me too.
Numbers are probably limited at the venue. I really don't think it is the calculated insult you seem to think it is.

What does your older son think? Does he feel insulted at not being invited?

Mine wouldn’t and didn’t when his friend got married and I was only invited to the night do , my partner said thanks for the invitation but I wouldn’t feel comfortable without ….. but we’ll both see you at the night do, which we did

What do you think your husband would say if you told him you were not going to attend any part of it - including the three day stay at the hotel? Has your husband booked and paid for the hotel himself?

They've probably booked the smallest room for the ceremony to save money and so are focused on numbers. They may lack the wherewithal to realise that you always invite married couples together and that it would have been better to have the DS be reception-only, not you.

Probably clueless rather than insulting, OP.

Lucky OP: Can go to the reception and drink the Champagne, without having to sit through the boring bit. 😀

Your DH shouldn't miss his brother's wedding over this, though.

Yes he should! Who the hell cares about a brothers wedding when the bill doesn't even care about his own brother. If he did, he wouldn't be so gross in what hes done.

Honestly I would go to the reception and stay at the hotel to avoid any family drama. But I'd leave DH to sort out the gift, card and suits for him and DS. He can also sort out timings, getting there, all the little details. I'd wear something I already own to the reception. No point going above and beyond for them yourself if you're not close enough to attend their actual wedding.

Edit: By family drama, I mean drama between you, your DH and your younger DS.

This is what stands out to me. Shitty thing to find out.

DH says it will be ‘fucking embarrassing’ if I start ringing round asking questions

What will be fucking embarrassing is when other guests ask your DH where you are and he has to tell them that you weren’t invited to the ceremony and your eldest DS wasn’t invited to any part of it, so you decided not to attend the reception so they could save the few bob that they so clearly seem to be in need of. Hell would freeze over before I’d be attending any part of that wedding.

Your DH and your DS are idiots if they think the ceremony isn’t important. If it’s not important then why are they going? Why is your DS not saying to his uncle that you should be going, as his brother’s wife, over him? If it’s not important, then why are the B&G having any more guests other than the witnesses? Of course it’s important. It’s the most important bit. The rest is just a celebration and it speaks volumes that you’ve not been invited to the most important bit, or that your BiL would expect your DH to keep a secret from you. I think your DH is being disloyal and the pair of them are being really fucking obtuse. It is insane to me that any husband would even consider attending a family wedding that his wife wasn’t invited to every part of, or that one son would be invited to the whole thing while the other doesn’t even get an evening invite.

I wouldn’t be ringing anyone to ask anything. I’d be telling DH to respond to the invite that you wouldn’t be attending. And if he asks you what he should say, tell him to say whatever he fucking likes, but to be aware that you won’t be lying to anyone if you bump into them.

If places in the registry office were limited I would have expected the adult couple brother/SIL to be invited to the ceremony over the 19 yo nephew and for he (and 26 yo step nephew if genuinely close) to be invited to the reception.

Pretty much! A wholly disappointing bunch.
OP and her son have been family for 20 years ☹️

Your brother in law has zero social awareness.

Given there's no back story or fall out, inviting only part of a family to part of a wedding is really poor hosting, never mind the crap people come out with about his wedding his choice blah blah.

If you feel put out, which you clearly do, simply decline your invitation and leave your husband and son to it. Oh and let them sort out a wedding present (it probably won't happen).