Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

This seems to be quite crucial, if your older son doesn't live with you I imagine that's part of the decision. Would he really have even wanted to go to the wedding?

An invitation is an invite to an event it is not an invite to play detectivem you either go or not but no one needs to be interrogtated nor have details spied on, although this is MN there will be poster's who tell you to 'report it' and hire a ex-detective to go in all guns blazing there has to be some grey rock red flag detail going on for good measure inbetween someone cheating on someone, husband having an affair with the bride? someone has to come up with something

But why would you want to go anyway if you are not happy with what they are doing?

He should be telling his brother they attend family events as a family of four.

How do you know they’re only a family of four though?

OP’s older son doesn’t live with them and may well have a partner and several kids (or even step kids) of his own so are you saying they should all be invited or are you advocating for just inviting him and excluding his possible family?

Suddenly inviting 3 people could turn into inviting 7 or 8 and then multiply that by however many other family members may also have adult children / stepchildren and before you know it you’re inviting an army before you even get to inviting friends.

Everyone’s peripheral family members will also have family networks of their own but the line needs to be drawn somewhere.

Well we didn't make ours public and were literally only allowed the witnesses in the room as there was no room lol, then we had a reception/party a few weeks later...it worked for us

Exactly.

I would be mortified to sit down & write 3 invites; one for my brother, one for sister in law and one for nephew.
And leave out a child that has been in my brother’s life for 20 years.

Speaks volumes about the BIL.

Your sons are all adults. It’s clear BIL only wants blood relations at his ceremony (for whatever reason), which you and your other son are not. I agree with your husband that you’re not owed an explanation, it’s not your wedding. There could be many reasons BIL is handling his guest list the way he is, but the bottom line is none of it is your business. I personally wouldn’t expect or pressure my husband or son not to attend the wedding or the ceremony. What is in your control is deciding if you’re up to attending the reception or not. It’s not your wedding, you’re not paying for it, so you have no say. As an aside, it always confuses me how peripheral family members make so much drama out of what should be a happy event that in the grand scheme of things has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Exactly! If there is a space issue, fine, but to find out from the weird invitation is just bizarre.it could have been avoided with a 5 minute conversation.

A 26 year old who has moved out of his parent's house is hardly a child!

I couldn't get worked up over this
People do what they do
I know when my kids were at school my son with ASD never got invited to a single party, despite me doing Halloween, Christmas and birthday parties at home for him and our other children..
I know it's not the same as a wedding,but it made us resilient..
Lots of people don't see step children as family ,I've read many threads on here where grandparents leave out a step grandchild
Why would an uncle be any different.
Don't let it destroy your marriage,or cause issues between your boys
Is your eldest son upset ? Did he actually want to go ?

I am wondering how many male 26 year olds are desperate to go to weddings with their parents?

How incredibly rude and outrageous.

Personally I’d be chuffed to get out of the ceremony bit.

What does your elder son think? If he doesn’t care about going to any of it, then you’re acting on principle - which is fair enough, but weakens your case. If the BiL were to acquiesce and invite your elder son, it’d be awkward if he then turned down the invitation.

Ah yes I can just imagine my DH at 26 thinking he'd managed to swerve a wedding only to find his mum had forced an invite to come his way! But maybe some 26 year olds are keen to attend step uncle weddings.

Maybe but I am presuming most 26 year old men can decide for themselves and not need their mummy to be offended on their behalf

Dh should check why you haven’t been invited to the actual wedding, and why your eldest son does not have an invitation. On principle we wouldn’t be going, it is very divisive. The saving grace being he is an adult, so hopefully can brush it off.

I would also be upset my adult son did not have EI to see this really wedding is really lacking in basic kindness and manners.

YANBU to be upset. I would be too. The most important part of a wedding is seeing the couple married because, it's a wedding.

What do you like doing? Is older son free for a weekend away somewhere you've always wanted to go? Or other family member or friend? Enjoy your weekend away (or at home, doing the stuff you love without interruption or catering to anyone else), tell DH to have a great time at the wedding.

Is his other brother’s wife invited?

I can’t believe your son has been excluded. WTAF is wrong with people! They sound dreadful

To be fair you are invited to the reception so I wouldn't be upset. The ceremony will be restricted on capacity.

Your sons are adults, and no matter how strongly you feel about your own children as you should, he will never be a relative to your husband’s family. He is to them just the son of the woman your dh married. Of course treated with courtesy whilst a child but they have no reason at all to continue socialising with him as an adult.

It's something you have to be aware of entering a partnership with existing children. Let's face it - inviting your brother's adult step son to your wedding wouldn't be high on many people's priority lists.

tbh the groom sounds rude - 3 separate invitations, he could at least have spoken to you about the plans

But why can the DH go who has received an invite and not the son who also received an invite?

Because husband and wife are individuals in their own rights, not a single undivideable unit. I can’t quite explain but I can’t comprehend how anyone would think differently either!

The husband could go for his brother's sake.

Not all blended families are like yours as I’m sure you know. I actually feel sorry for blended families like you describe that have that set up - but I guess you’ve known no different.

Exactly.

OP you need to think about how this will impact your family unit after the event. It’s already causing upset and you feel unhappy. I think you all need to decide not to go, as pp have said it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but your family unit can decide not to attend. I know that’s is what my family unit would do in your shoes. I do wonder if that’s is what they are hoping by the way?