Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

It must feel like a weird dream where no one is listening to you.

It’s so odd that they can’t even empathise with you.

Whilst I understand the upset some of our registry offices don’t even hold 20 people. Yes, you would normally expect to be invited but if numbers or finances are tight they have to make a cut somewhere. In that position I would choose my actual friends over my BIL any day of the week because these are the people I have known for years and actually choose to spend time with. My in laws are who my siblings chose not me.

You obviously have every right to be upset but you don’t have an automatic right to attend someone’s wedding.

But if numbers are so tight for the ceremony, would PPs invite their (admittedly blood) 19 year old nephew to attend over their SIL or BIL?

I couldn't do that, very strange thinking.

Unless said nephew has been very close to the family in question where the SIL or BIL hasn't bothered.

Excluding a step-nephew is cruel but his age is a factor.

I just wouldn't go (unless there is a good reason for me to be excluded). "D"H indeed. What a coward!

If it’s a case of space, it would be polite to invite you and DP, rather than DP and the son that has the right genes.

Because you treat the children of blended families the same.

Does the 26 year old even care? As a stepchild, I literally didn't give two hoots when I wasn't invited to step in-laws weddings. I didn't expect to be, probably would have felt I had to go if invited but more than happy not to have to go!

Yep agree. Sorry OP but you are making this far too much about yourself. I think the obvious reason is numbers are very tight. You don’t seem to answer how involved each son is in their uncle life which I think probabaly answers the question.

I expect he cares very much. He’s spent most of his life feeling that he’s an intrinsic part of the family and is now getting the message loud and clear that he isn’t.

I could have had a big wedding, but my husband is not from the UK and his family for a variety of reasons would not have been able to attend. My family were so enthusiastic for the whole big wedding but I decided to do the registry office and only invite immediate family on both sides. Because his family couldn’t attend.

There are always family dynamics.

We went to the local village pub for the reception and they put on a lovely intimate occasion.

The majority of the family were just happy that we were getting married. One or two relatives considered it a travesty that they were not invited. It did not spoil our day though. We were Just caught up in the moment.

It's not about the wedding ceremony though is it? It's about your BIL and future SIL seeing you and your elder son as not being part of the family or unimportant. Your husband is looking at it, as a boring, stuffy wedding ceremony and you have the better deal because you get to miss it all and go straight to the reception. Both your husband and son are completely missing the point. If you are inviting a brother, who has a wife, a son and a step-son - they are a family unit, and should all be invited as a family. Excluding members of that family unit, is very hurtful and insensitive. Your BIL can't be stupid enough to think you won't mind!!!

Apparently I am going to the best bit and the ceremony is a formality.

I would be absolutely chuffed to be offered the meal/reception on top of a weekend away at a resort, without having to sit through a ceremony.

I think this unrealistic expectation is what drive so much of this upset. Many people don't treat blended children the same. I wasn't treated the same by my step parent's extended family as or how they treated their family ( ie my step and half siblings). And the same for my step siblings and my family. They weren't my aunts and uncles etc. None of us expected to be treated the same - it wasn't cruel, it's just how it was.

The involvement is the key.

YABU if your 19 year old plays golf with his Dad and Uncle every weekend and is really close to the couple getting married.

YANBU if they're not close and they've prioritised blood relatives, which I find odd myself.

Your other son being excluded altogether is sad, hopefully he has contact with his other family and your side of the family OP.

How could you possibly know that? I wasn't invited to a step aunties wedding at a similar age after being part of that family for around 20 years. I didn't care. I liked her and enjoyed spending time with her over the years but she wasn't my aunty.

It wasn’t a blended family then. Ours has been blended for over 25 years and we don’t allow other people to differentiate between our kids who are all now adults. Anyone who hasn’t got the memo can get to fuck. We treat them all the same and that’s what we expect from other people.

I understand that it could be tight on numbers. What I really don't understand is why you wouldn't call your own brother ahead of sending the invite out to explain it. Or even speak to your SIL who you've probably known for 20 years. It's just weird.

but a lot of guests will likely be friends? People the couple knows?

Why would you invite an adult (not a child that you can't leave home alone) that is not related, not a friend.

Many people don't like the concept of child-free weddings, but understand the idea. It's perfectly normal not to invite everyone to a wedding.

So I'm unsure why your point is he's not biologically related
because you might have to invite a certain amount of family, but unrelated people, you really don't. He's 26! He's an adult with his own life!

It's not even uncommon not to invite all the adult cousins and nephews, and their partners (because at 26, he could very well have a partner, then the OP would complain he didn't get a plus one 😂)

I would let your DH and DS go to the wedding and the rest of it. I would go elsewhere where I could have three days of not bothering with any of them.

But, that's just me and in reality, my DH would not want to go to the wedding if I wasn't going, so he'd jump at the chance to just go to the reception with me.

since when and why? You might, many people don't. When the children spend half their lives with their other family, they physically cannot be included anyway.

The "child" here is a 26 year old man, so it's a completely different scenario.

it's fine, but you can't demand that people treat people they are not related to the same as they treat their own family. It doesn't work in real life.

Is it an actual legal ceremony? In which case it is open to the public in England and Wales. And you can just turn up.

Wow this is just weird and mean! Your a family a unit you come as one in my eyes. All or none at all. Wow some people are just heartless.

Edited because I was wrong

I think my post explains.

There’s no way my husband would let a relative drive a wedge through our family in this way. Either you all go or none of you go.