Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

he's the OP' son, he's not their nephew at all?

And even if he was, it's pretty common not to invite everyone. Why should they invite him, plus his current girlfriend if he's living with someone, if the bride doesn't even know them?

Not every wedding has 350 guests! It's not rude to have a smaller wedding!

It's bad manners to invite more people than you can cater for, and expect them to pay for everything. It's normal to invite the small number you can afford.

If you have (for example) 100 guests, that's 50 for the bride, 50 for the groom, so an absolute maximum of 25 couples each. It's really not much, when you add parents, siblings, FRIENDS. Most people can't invite their own cousins and all their nieces and nephews

With the OP's attitude, I wouldn't make her a priority.

Maybe they have invited your youngest as he still lives at home

You seem more upset about not being invited to the ceremony than about your son not being invited to the reception

I really do think if I only had space for 2 guests my Sister in Law would take priority over a nephew.

So you wouldn't invite your siblings family unit to your wedding? You'd only invite the sibling as their spouse isn't related? Or would you invite the unrelated spouse along with the biological nephew who is also biologically related to the other son you've known for longer than the bio son?

Very confusing how some of you view families.

When we got married in a registry office we could only have 30 people attend, it meant that some children of attendees and long term friends waited outside the venue to see us arrive and wish us well and then waited to throw confetti afterwards, the ceremony only lasts maximum of 30 minutes. Everyone was invited to the local pup afterwards where we had booked a room for a buffet and catch up, nothing posh.
My guess is they are constrained by numbers and so they are inviting ‘blood relatives’ only. It doesn’t make sense to me the way they have done it, because in their shoes I would have invited you and your DH and then both nephews to the meal afterwards only, surely it’s more important that you attend over your children.
I wouldn’t ring around, your DH is right it would be embarrassing… He should of course go to the official bit of his brothers wedding, then you and your children should attend the reception/meal with him afterwards. Neither of your children need to be at the ceremony so I would suggest to the one invited that he turn that part down.

I think that's really poor of the brother-in-law. Did you have any inkling he doesn't really think of you as family? I kind of understand your step son if room is tight, though if your DH has been step-father to him for a significant amount of time, I think it's pretty poor too.

I would (do my best to) stop being upset by it and just take it as a sign of what sort of relationship the BiL wants. I wouldn't be going out of my way for him ever again. Wouldn't attend the reception. Wouldn't ever invite him or his family to my home (DH could, but I wouldn't be facilitating, might arrange to go out that day). I'd be civil if they were at other family events, but it would just be a medium chill approach and then forget about them the rest of the time.

Neither do I. The reception is the best bit.

DP and I are getting married and no one except the bare minimum two witnesses will be invited to the ceremony. Everyone will join us for the important bit - the party.

And you can get some really tiny rooms for ceremonies. There's one in our town hall that only holds 8 people max, including the couple and the registrar.

Sorry, your DH and younger DS are being weird.

It is out of order and strange to invite a father/son and not the mother in this scenario. Like they'd consider your son to be your husband's plus one. How is that right? Have you previously not bothered with the bride and groom where your youngest son has, OP?

Also not inviting your eldest to any of it is out of order.

I wouldn't go if I were you. Bound to face awkward questions from other confused family members on the day as to why you weren't at the ceremony when they were.

I wouldn’t discuss it any further with your DH but tomorrow I would RSVP with a polite refusal. DH and DS can go on their own and you can avoid the whole horrible, disrespectful lot of them.

My step sister invited me, my son and my husband to her wedding but excluded my stepson. Very offensive especially as she herself has step children. I went as my very elderly Nan was also going to used it an opportunity to spend time with her at someone else’s expense! Husband and I discussed it and agreed, he really wasn’t bothered at all but it damaged the relationship. To make matters worse her stepchildren behaved appallingly towards my son so we called my husband and left in tears before the evening reception had even started. My advice would be to ditch the wedding completely and go away for the weekend as a family. Your BiL clearly doesn’t consider you family. It’s absolutely ok to make your boundaries clear - you’re a family and you come as a package. Exclude one of us, you get none of us.

No, I wouldn't invite the sibling "family unit" as a priority
I don't see the adult son, living independently, not related to MY sibling a priority at all, I am not sure I would even invite them to the evening.

would you invite the unrelated spouse along with the biological nephew who is also biologically related to the other son you've known for longer than the bio son?
I'd rather invite a friend than trying to make sense of that one 😂

If they hadn't invited OP's son to the ceremony, this would be a reasonable counter. As it is, it's irrelevant.

If I suggested to my younger son that he should turn down an invitation to even a part of his uncle’s wedding he would think I was insane.

Is it a gay wedding and only men are going to the ceremony or something?

Would your eldest be expected to turn down an invitation to something your younger wasn’t?

Why should the husband go alone? Why should the younger son who has been invited not attend because his mum hasn’t been invited?

So your other son isn't invited to any of it?

I think you now know how your bil feels about you tbh. Especially when he expected your husband not to say anything to you.

Your husband sounds like a prick who doesn't have your back. I'd be quite disappointed with him.

I wouldn't be going and I wouldn't be wanting to spend time with any of them ever again. Once you see you can't unsee.

Anyone else getting shades of prolific poster who can’t accept fact it’s ok for her younger child’s grandparents to be kind and polite and generous to her older child’s, but they don’t have to include them in their will.

Your point was the OPs son isn't related to them so why would they invite him. I was trying to figure out your thought process - believe me I find that equally confusing!

The sibling has raised this boy since he was little. He's directly related to the nephew and they've actually known him longer. Longer probably than some unrelated friends that are invited.

So I'm unsure why your point is he's not biologically related when neither will be a lot of the guests?

Anyway, I hope you don't have step children.

They don’t see you as “real” family and DS1 isn’t family at all to them. DH and DS2 should go but I would distance myself. Is DS1 bothered/upset?

Same!!

You see he is a thoroughly decent bloke who would have my back, for example over a recent career change but he doesn’t see a half hour wedding ceremony as being an occasion for having my back.

Our register office were very firm on numbers at the point of booking and in all follow ups - standing was absolutely not allowed, late arrivals would not be admitted. Massive parties really slow things down at busy register offices and they run to a tight schedule. We were limited to 18, including us!

You have no idea what configuration they’ve gone for - if it’s the 25 then that’s 11 people each once they themselves are included plus a bonus one. Bear in mind register offices consider a photographer as guest too and some will even take the registrar as one!

You also don’t know what “family” beyond mum and sister looks like on the Bride’s side. By the time you have witnesses, a bridesmaid/best man/parents/siblings… well there’s your 25.

Honestly though - you’ve been invited to the nice, fun bit including the meal and evening and a nice hotel. So no standing around waiting for the photos etc - embrace it.