Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

All legal ceremonies in England and Wales must take place “with open doors” (which means open to the public). It’s in the Marriage Act 1949, and various follow up legislation. It’s a condition to be licensed for wedding ceremonies and it applies to registry office weddings too. If you go to a registry office and try and attend a wedding where there are spare seats, you might get some strange looks and possibly angry approaches from guests, but the Registry Office staff should not throw you out unless you are disruptive.

Fire capacity rules take precedence, though. So you can’t get around guest limits by just telling people to turn up anyway.

It's genuinely a weird attempt to be contary too.

Nobody in real would ever try to argue that husbands and wives aren't pretty much always invited as a pair to weddings. Regardless of any rare exception, it's just an absolutely uncontroversial social norm and a universally accepted rule. In other news, water is wet.

I think the real problem is her husband is gaslighting her, refuses to ask what's going on, and plans to take their son in her stead and say nothing. I don't think this will end well, at all.

But the thing is, if all has been fine and dandy previously then the current scenario just doesn't make sense. And if it doesn't make sense then there's something missing from the story.

I'm reading as three separate invites: brother, his wife, his son. Brother and his son have same invites to wedding ceremony and reception. Wife's says reception only. Groom told his brother not to tell anyone. My take is don't tell anyone you are invited to both. 🤷‍♀️

Wait, what? That’s insane! I’d have to call and ask why only half the family are invited. As it stands I would not go at all, and neither would either of my kids. DH could do what he wanted.

Actually telling people not to tell anyone, indicates that the person knows what they're doing is shitty.

Good point.
And all the more reason to question why husband is okay with it.

Wow there’s a lot of drama llama response here. It looks that there will be a handful of the closest relatives at a tiny ceremony, which actually a lot of people choose to do. Then for the dinner - and she’s incorrect to say she’s only invited to a ‘reception’ - that’s the after party - for the meal and reception, the wider family is invited.
‘splitting families apart’ is wildly over dramatic!! You’re not one person. You can survive half an hour not in each others pockets. Stop taking it so personally and crack on with worrying about actual bad things.

But OP’s not sidelined she’s invited to the reception? Can understand it as space is often an issue at registry but agree it’s odd that their son has been invited ( age would be useful )
it’s disappointing that her older child is excluded but without knowing the context of how the general extended family see each other it’s hard to comment

He’s a teenager - 19,

They may just be gauche.

How do you know it is a tiny ceremony? Our local registry office offers rooms that cater from 12-220 guests.
I think if bil couldn’t invite you for the reason of space etc then he should have gone about it differently - firstly not asked your dh to keep it a secret from you and secondly explained to you why you weren’t invited to the ceremony.
Your oldest ds not being invited at all is I think really poor. The reactions of your dh and ds2 are poor too - even if they disagree with you the fact they have no empathy for your upset and confusion about your non invite isn’t ok.
All that being said - if you want to go to the meal and reception then go and if you don’t then politely decline and just remember that some families don’t see in laws and step siblings as family.

So much reaching and insanity on this thread. Not inviting your sibling’s husband or wife to a wedding ceremony where the sibling is attending, is not normal behaviour. If you do that, you need a good reason that has to be explained to the sibling and spouse at the very earliest stage.

Why does this always happen to the grooms side of the family…

If your husband wants to go, let him. But he can't co operate with the brothers decision to divide his family. I suggest he goes to the registry alone and nobody goes to the reception.

As I've got older I've realised that this sort of thing bothers me less than it probably would have at the time.

It would have been nice if BIL had explained.

Op has been invited to most of it & will be celebrating with BIL as a family should she go.

If I had 2 places I'd invite my SIL & niece & not my BIL.

I think as the older son has left home he doesn't have to be invited if he is no longer close with his uncle.

I would assume numbers are an issue since you get on well, however in this situation it would normally be your son that was invited only to the reception.

These days people getting married in a venue without a marriage licence do seem to treat the formal registry office part as a secondary add on to the main event at the country house or whatever. There have been threads on mumsnet from furious relatives and friends before, who have not been invited to what they see as the main event ie the ceremony. Often the couple have even done that bit weeks before (or have it planned for later). Their focus is on whst is basically a massive party and they don't understand it when people get upset about the registry office part.

My cousin married her partner in Canada about 20 years ago. My parents and me and my family attended - it was just the part because they had been formally married a few weeks before, with a meal for close family. My mother was really upset - she would rather have gone for the registry office and meal than the party.

I would find this behaviour very odd. I was not invited to the wedding or reception of S-DiL's sister's son - but then, I would not expect to be invited, I am a bit distant and see them occasionally at Christmas.
However, not inviting your SiL of many years, the mother of your DN, is very, very odd - it argues that the DB doesn't consider anyone a relation unless by blood - good luck with that when it comes to to his new wife's family.
I'd expect DH not to go to any of it and explain why.
It is his job - not OP's - to ask DB why he didn't want his SiL to know he was getting married, as well.

The ceremony is what? A formality? It's a legally binding contract with rights and duties attached to it and which it is expensive and difficult to withdraw from. Your DH seems not to understand what marriage is. And it's an insult to you, OP, not to invite you to the most important bit. I wouldn't go to any of it and stop DH going, too. Not sure why your DH and DS2 think you are weird - it's an insult to them as well.
And you are not upset, you are angry. Tell them so.

My guess is theyve decided absolutely no fuss, so they can say they did it on a whim, probably 2 'witnesses' each. If not then yes i would be well pissed off. P S your husband should ask and if a whole bunch of guests are going, refuse to go himself unless you are included!

I agree, the whole family should attend together.

It sounds like it’s a small registry wedding. Then everyone invited for reception - bar your eldest son

which is wrong he wasn’t invited

years ago my stepson got married. It was quiet. Only imm family. No partners

so dh went. Not me

Your husbands a meek pathetic mouse.

a cousin did this to me, invited all other cousins to both parts whereas I was only invited to reception, my dad didn’t go. Nice to know my lovely dad has better morals than some men out there today,